At this point, Nelson’s main problem is bone pain, specifically in one hip and leg. The doctor has told him not to put weight on that side, but Nelson wants to continue walking as long as possible and ignores that advice. He’s gratified that they’re now going to look into all that pain with additional tests.

                                                            >>>>>>>>>>

December 2, 2022

Here I sit at 3 am in our new little kitchen. We’ve been here for about 2 weeks now, but time is starting to move quicker now.

I still have cancer, even though there are days I wonder if it’s really true. But the constant pain reminds me, along with the daily pill regiments.

I wish it were a dream. At first I thought I would wake up from it at some point.

It’s crazy that [my friend] Ken has it also, even though we haven’t really talked much so far. I can hardly believe that. How can it be that we have it together? In a way it’s a blessing to have someone to go through it together with.

I have a bunch of tests they are going to run today to find out what is happening with these back and leg issues. Dr. Mansfield said he can’t dismiss the pain, being as tough as it is, given my age [49] and that I have cancer.

He said in a patient my age without the cancer, it wouldn’t mean much to him, but for me, he wants to be sure. I get nervous about being admitted [to the hospital] in these times, but we have to go along with the program.

                                               >>>>>>>>>>

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 4:2)

Nelson is coming close to the end of his earthly life—and also the end of his suffering. At this point, though, he and Ann Sophie were still hoping for God’s last-minute healing. Though his pain was escalating, Nelson’s faith never faltered.

                                                      >>>>>>>>>>

December 1,2022

Small group’s canceled for tonight. I’m at home while Annso shops with her folks in the meantime.

I’m not feeling good at all. It’s not the nausea, but severe leg and hip pain that’s been traveling around a bit. It’s been really hard for me lately with this pain. I don’t know why, but it’s there.

Lord, help me pleeeeease. Why does this linger on with one thing after another without end? I take pills and do everything I can, without relief. The docs even gave me a couple days off the chemo drugs, which I thought would be a huge relief, but now I have this [new pain].

Lord, please help me with this. Please. There’s not a whole lot like physical pain to bring you to your knees. I am having such trouble and trying to pray and think of what to do to get help, Lord, but nothing is helping so far.

I just crumbled and took a couple 15 mg morphine, but lately, even those haven’t been working too well. Just mild, faint relief, but at this point, I’ll take it.

God, I beg you for whatever is lacking. You are the author and perfecter of faith, and when we are at our wit’s end, we come to you. I don’t even know what to pray for.

I don’t even know what to pray for.

                                                   >>>>>>>>>>

“We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” (Romans 8:26)

Nelson’s journal entries are getting shorter, so we’re posting three today. He spends a moment looking back with longing but quickly returns to reality, wanting to continue fighting the cancer.

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 November 25, 2022

Been up for some time now. It’s 1:50 am. When sleep is gone, it’s rough, that’s all I can say.

I sit here and try to watch something. The whole of the internet is open before me, but there’s nothing on. I feel like I’ve been beaten by a baseball bat as I hobble around and try to get comfortable. Like I’m not really even human anymore.

Food doesn’t seem attractive. I’m so alone here while the rest of the world sleeps. Doing this occupies my time, so I do it, not that anyone would read it. I don’t care about that.

The Bible brings consolation to some extent, the promises of God, but I don’t know how to activate them to come down to an emotional level.

November 29, 2022

I’m back on the chicken-raising thing again. I wonder if we could pull that off around here. What about the basement and then the back yard once the weather gets nicer? I think it would work, no problem.

It would be so fun, with a little baby boy and a Mama who absolutely loves them. What about when they lay eggs after about a year? How great would that be? Just a few thoughts.

It’s a big fat pain in the butt on the one hand, but most things that are fun are a pain in the butt too—traveling, having kids, most things require some sort of sacrifice to get them going.

Besides, if it’s always “no” to things like raising chickens, then it’s “no” to inconvenience and risk, “no” to messy and crazy, and that’s what makes things fun… within reason.

November 30, 2022

Trying out another dose of those “water pills” so the water in my stomach and legs will drain out a bit. Bill and Brett just left after a long, grueling trip up and back [from Tennessee] with a bunch of flight delays and other issues tossed in.

Funny how I don’t have anything to write down. I read a past journal entry from 2014 when I first went back to Kona in 2014. I was so afraid of what people thought. People want power, but the less you care about it and the harder you work, the more of it you get.

We couldn’t go back there if we tried. I need to stick with this fight, and being close to this clinic is the only way that can happen. No way I could have conceived where I was then or anything. What was Kokua Crew? I didn’t even know back then.

Now I have run the program [right] and have grown to love it a lot. They are, of course, my favorite people on [the YWAM] campus.

                                     >>>>>>>>>>

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” (Isaiah 43:18)