When I was a student at Wheaton College, President Edman had a favorite phrase with which he peppered his chapel messages and everyday conversation: “Not somehow, but triumphantly.”
As my family and I pace through these weeks without Nate, those words often come to my mind. I want to be about “getting through this” not just by the skin of my teeth but triumphantly. The opposite of that would be to get stuck where we are now, which would wear us out until eventually sadness would become the dictator of every day. For me, a triumph in this situation is not a fist-in-the-air-leaping kind of victory but a quiet confidence in God’s goodness. Some ask, “How in the world can God be good if he snatches a husband/father/grandfather without warning in only 42 days?”
I do hope the answer to that question will be evident in my life and in the lives of our kids.
At the end of this (and I do believe there will be an eventual end to our time of upset and mourning), I want to look back and say that although the cancer itself wasn’t good, God was. I want to testify, “What the Lord did in each of our lives turned out to be overwhelmingly positive,” with Nate at the head of that list.
I’m about to say something that might make people bristle. It may sound unrealistic and idealistic, but I believe it wholeheartedly. A year or so from now, if we stay close to God in prayer and hang on to the promises of Scripture, I believe each of us will be better off than we were before Nate died. To put it a different way, I think if we continue grieving while placing our trust in God, we will have experienced an increase in: hope for our futures, sympathy for the pain of others, gratitude for daily blessings and confidence that God’s way of doing things is always superior to ours…. increases in all of those. I don’t fully understand how this works, but because it’s in Scripture, I believe it.
Of course typing words on a keyboard is easy compared to living them. My resolve to live triumphantly melts when I see Nate’s cane standing in the corner or find one of his handkerchiefs static-clinging inside a pillow case in the linen closet. I can break down at seeing a New York Times or finding a stray Post-it note with his writing on it.
My widow warriors tell me the wound from losing Nate will heal but will leave an emotional scar. Scars change us to a certain extent but once healed, no longer hurt. That’s what I’m expecting. Eventually I’ll be able to see his cane or the New York Times with a flash of memory but not of pain.
So how to I handle Nate’s death “not somehow but triumphantly”? I think the answer lies in truly believing that God is doing his behind-the-scenes work in all of us right now and also in our being willing to wait patiently until it’s visible.
Dr. Edman also said, “Never doubt in the dark what God has taught you in the light.” Because the Lord has promised that Nate’s death will result in good (Romans 8:28), I want to run from doubting that it won’t. Even though tears still fall and the wound still hurts, I want to keep on believing the promise, because it was God who said it.
“Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” (Psalm 126:5-6)
“My soul waits for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.” (Psalm 130:6)
Beautifully written, Margaret. What you and your family have experienced has already caused our family to have many discussions on the question of God’s blessings through difficulty. Can we say God is blessing us through pain? We believe we can, especially if we are “living triumphantly” as you said. Thanks for sharing your heart with us daily. I look forward to each and every post.
Love, Gale
Amen Margaret! That is a choice ” to live triumphantly” through God’s grace!
You were blessed to have Dr. Edman as president when you were there. He was such a man of God. Marilyn didn’t have him. There was a difference. I had Dr. Howard Ferrin at Barrington College (Providence Bible Inst. – then Providence Barrington Bible College – the when I graduated it was Barrington College) The taught Word of God by him, the phrases he would say and the life of faith he lived impacted my life as well. Thank God for the people , family and outside, who contribued to our lives so that today we can be what God wants us to be.
Praying for that triumphant life for each of your family. I know the pain of losing my Dad and then 15yrs later my Mom, lasted 2 years. Now I can miss them, shed some longing tears because I want to share something with them, but the pain is gone. However, I do know losing a mate is a hefty experice and we pray for you.
A fun thing, I was going thru all my phots looking for pictures of my brother for a rememberance book for his 60th birthday. And since I am a saver!!! I came across all the pictures of you and Nate and your growing family from the time we were at Moody Church until now. I will send them to you unless you have a copy of each one of them. They are a treasure.
love
Beth
You are right on Margaret. When Karen was so tragically taken from those of us who loved her so 50 years ago I thought it was the end of my life. Thinking that was the pry bar needed to cause me to give my whole self to the Lord. It was 5 years before i realized that a day had gone by and I hadn’t thought of her. How much more a life partner takes I don’t know but I do know He IS working ALL things together for the good for those who love Him. What a confidence!
When my mom passed away suddenly, it was
a shock to many of us as it was my dad who had been seriously ill having endured several surgeries and having
Parkinson’s Disease. Your mom’s wise
response was: “The Lord never makes a
mistake.”
The spiritual lessons I learned from my
dad those last thirteen months of his
life without my mom were invaluable. He was faithful and grounded in the Word and exemplified “not somehow but triumphantly.”
Margaret, you are waiting patiently
on the Lord now.As you are doing so,
you are a blessing to many. As many of us continue to pray for you, God is
working out a beautiful plan for each
of you.
Love,
Naomi
Hi Margaret,
Several years ago, my Bible study went through the Gospel of John. You would think a year’s worth of study would result in mounds of stored wisdom and understanding, but only two things have remained very present in my thinking. The first is this- that last week when Jesus entered Jerusalem, from a human perspective, everything was going south and very fast. Yet from God’s perspective, more prophecy was being fulfilled in that week leading to His death than perhaps the rest of His life combined. What is triumphant to God’s way of thinking is not usually consistent with our own vision of it. Your very desire to want to get through this not somehow, but triumphantly, is well… a triumph.
The second is something Jesus said to His disciples, and has warned me often in not being pushy in the growth of another- “I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.” (John 16:12). Jesus knows precisely and is measuring out the pace of your walk, the times you will fall or feel like you’re moving backwards, when your legs can bear the next steps and when you need to rest.
He will restore your soul and lead you in triumph- in keeping with your word picture not likely in fist pumping, but instead in green pastures and by quiet waters. You have been one who has loved God’s Word and your practice of meditation on it is obvious- a guarantee that you will be like a well-watered tree, which will yield its fruit in its season.
“To Thee, O Lord, Margaret’s soul is lifted up. In Thee she trusts. Do not let the enemy of her soul triumph over her, but instead lead her in Your triumph in Christ, and manifest through her and her seven children (you are so Biblical, Margaret!) the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.” Psalm 25:1,2; 2 Corinthians 2:14
Much love,
Terry
There were times after my sister died that “somehow” would have been triumphant! Until we go through the finality of losing the one person who we think validates us as human beings, we just cannot fully grasp the yawning width of that great gulf fixed between the living and the dead. What I would have given for just five more minutes….although I remember, too, telling her in her last moments that “the party is on the other side…” and to go. God gives us this amazing strength for these moments unlike any other, and then, lest we the think we are invincible…we crumple and fold. When shared with Him, those moments, too, add up to a triumph. Even if shared with Him later. Never have I been so grateful for the eternality of God, than when I was drowning in a succession of sad moments. “A man’s reach should exceed his grasp….” and for you to aim at the highest when you are at the lowest surely makes God rejoice over you with singing. What a blessing you are. What an encouragement to keep moving forward with a clear goal, and some trusty comrades in arms. Thank you again for the shared fellowship….via something so lofty sounding as a “blog” 🙂
Margaret, It seems ironic but we know that things will work for our good when we love Him. I’m so thankful that we never go through these painful experiences without Him guiding us! My heart breaks for those that don’t know this truth.
God gave me the privilege of walking along side the last years of my father’s earthly life. [My mom had passed on in 1981.] I was going to be away for two months. We talked as we often did of going to be with the Lord. I said that I might miss his Home-going. With a twinkle in his eye he said, “That’s OK. You’ll be along soon enough!”
As only God could arrange it, I was present for his Home-going. Yes, I miss him. It took 18 months to close his estate. I remember clearly writing the last check to close the last bank account and knew it was the final action I would do for my Dad. Yet I remember our conversations of eternity and our future in His presence, among saints gone before, and His assignments that await us there … what glory that will be!
This I know. You, too, will turn the corner and walk in the sunshine as you continue to walk in the Light.
Amen! Another incredible post.
I continue to pray for you daily, not so that I can make it into your “pink book,” but because I love you as my Titus 2 woman. 🙂
Marg, The book Dr Edman wrote by that title, with its tatttered cover and yellowed pages is still on our bookshelf. Its message has been a lifelong goal and as we continue our journey, what experiences we encounter that remind us of God’s grace to allow us to live with such victory. This could be a subtitle to your blog. Blessings on you, MJ
Hi Margaret,
I am a friend of Lynn Hammond. A while back, she told me about Nate and you and all that was happening. I started reading this blog. I was moved to tears much of the time. I prayed for you and Nate and your kids.
I would like to thank you for your honest comments. I just read Jan 4th and it speaks clearly to what God is currently teaching me. I have read about not worrying, but I realized God wants me to give up the worrying about my elderly parents. They are 85 and 86. I am blessed to still have them, but I know I will not always. I keep waiting for the “shoe to drop.” We have had split open heads with 13 stitches, heart attacks, stroke, pancreatitis, colon cancer, and much more. . . and they still live in their own home and function pretty well. God is reminding me to let Him be in control and just take one day at a time. Yes, they will die – maybe soon, maybe not. I have been trying to get prepared for it, but in the process stressing about it and not enjoying them the way I should. I am finally learning – and your words these last days, have been helpful. Thank you for allowing God to speak to you and for sharing it with others.
Sing-cerely, Joani (I love to sing and am an Elem. music teacher so I always sign my name this way!)