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The long Haul…

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So I resumed the chemo drugs this morning as planned. They called yesterday and due to the fact that I just had Covid and have been having trouble draining my lungs of fluid, the team opted to wait until this morning.

l can’t tell a whole lot in the way of side effects so far, but here we go…

In other news, I have a blood work-up scheduled for 840am at the clinic tomorrow, a 925am meeting with one of my Oncology docs, and a 255pm Echocardiogram (heart) so they can get a clearer picture of what’s going on. 

And what else is going on? 

Well, everything has been really great on most fronts other than low oxygen levels and shortness of breath. I can’t breath so well, especially at night and when I asked about it, they answered with these tests and this meeting. Being out of breath at a resting position is disconcerting at a minimum. I have these panic attacks when I can’t breath.

Waking up in the middle of the night feeling like you’re drowning is no fun at all. I am grateful I have an oxygen machine at the house, thanks to my cousin Luke who just happened to have one lying around. So overall, I’m blessed. Chemo drugs are working. I can manage pain and side effects fairly well, and life with the family is going great. 

However, I want things to move faster than they are, but here I am taking steps back into the land of breathing machines and tests like we did back in May. 

But I guess that’s what people mean when they say they are fighting cancer for years.

You wonder, “How long will this go on, Lord?”

It gives new meaning to the Psalms that go on and on like that.

My friend told me it’s a mind game, which is true. Most battles are won and lost in the battlefield of the mind. Attitude is everything and even effects the outcome much of the time. 

But as Ben Franklin said, “Well done is better than well said.” 

But who can really pull it off? 

Who can stay positive and overcome when it’s lonely at night? 

None of the people who are around me are sick like I am, so it does feel lonely.

I hope I can overcome. I want to stay positive. 

I try to use the “tools” I have been given to get through it. 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Serenity Prayer 

Til Tuesday…

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Just an update health-wise: My left lung catheter clogged again and the small amount of fluid was fairly bloody, so we scheduled another meeting with Pulmonology. They did the same thing again, injected the drug, waited the hour, and sucked fluid out. The good thing about that is they use an ultrasound machine so you can see how much is really hiding in there. 

Turns out there was 650ml of fluid on the right side that had accumulated since they removed that catheter a couple months back. To get it out, they go in your back with a needle and suck it out directly. I felt like a new man walking out of there with both lungs empty and clear. 

Meanwhile, the side effects from the chemo drugs had gotten so bad, I had to take a short break. It’s a catch 22. They found what is shrinking the cancer down and if it goes like it has been, I could be in very good shape in a few months! 

But starting last Wednesday, I have had steady 103 degree fevers round the clock and have been taking Tylenol to get relief, but that stopped working. I’ve a spent a few too many nights shivering under an electric blanket occasionally vomiting into a bowl to keep this going. I’m a big tough guy and all, but sometimes this thing really pushes me to my limits. I’m literally praying God will have mercy and watching the clock as the minutes drag by like hours. I’ve never had this before. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that these are heavy duty drugs and these side effects can be normal. Every time it get’s too gnarly, we go to the Emergency Department to rule out infections like the one that almost killed me in July. But then it’s back at it.

 

No chemo drugs and there will be no Nelson. If I keep taking the drugs, I have a fighting chance. Of course the choice is easy. It’s just walking it out that’s tough.

 I have so much to live for. 

So the answer? Just take a short pause once in a while like I am from now until Tuesday. It’s unbelievable how fast everything gets brighter and how fast. I feel like I’ve got a get out of jail free card, but of course those feelings support an illusion. 

Feelings say, “Let’s keep doing this please! I am not sick anymore.” But of course there is a sleeping giant that would wake up and take me back to where we were in May with cancer growing in my lungs, liver, and spreading out through the bones and other organs.

 

I remember when I lifted my arm up and broke a rib in my back because the bones was eaten up so bad. That’s what happens. This stuff is no joke and I’m beyond grateful for the opportunity to be here doing what we’re doing. I still live for the day and when it’s a non-chemo day, I’m so happy and love to work on our recently acquired house with Annso. 

And until Tuesday, that’s what I’m going to do.

After that it’s back to the trenches again, but it’s all good and coming up for air once in a while is my pleasure. 

Blessings to you all and may your day (or night) be a good one.

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Physical pain is a monster. People who have had chronic pain know what I mean. I used to take my health for granted, as if it were owed to me, as if I was entitled to X number of years before things went downhill. We all know we’ll die at some point. We just don’t know when. We have all been sick for a while, but the me in days-gone-by used to get better. Honestly, I probably had illness or sickness stop me from work or school about 2 days every 5 years… and I went to the doctor even less than that.

I’m sure there are some scientific or psychological stages a person goes through with illness that goes on and on. Maybe denial, acceptance, then, “Is this really happening to me?” maybe, “What did I do to deserve this?” Then the wicked thought, “Why not any one of the thousands of people i see walking around ungrateful for their health?” as if they should replace me in this crucible. 

Annso and I walked around the block here in Rochester a little while ago. The second time today. i try for at least some exercise to keep from totally wasting away, but walking is really all I can do for now. I’ve developed this intense back pain in the last couple weeks. I had something similar in my neck not too long ago which makes most movement difficult. 

They did an MRI and looked at some of the older scans to monitor the cancer and see if it moved into the bones in that area. They said it’s there, but no bigger, no smaller. They talked about a big radiation blast, but never ended up doing anything then it went away slowly over 6 weeks. This back thing is like that. The sharp ongoing pain doesn’t let me forgot the situation I’m in.

Totally unrelated, the catheter in my left lunch clogged and would no longer drain about 4 days ago, so we went in and the doc was able to free things up with a drug that got me flowing again, which is positive. There are always positive things about this ordeal, but sometimes it’s harder to think of them than at others. 

Lots of mornings I write a gratitude list just too remind myself of them. Just a few here: 

I’m at the Mayo Clinic being serviced by some of the best Cancer doctors in the world. 

I have the best wife who loves me and takes such good care of me always with the best attitude. 

It has always been a dream of mine to own a rental property and today we closed on a triplex and plan to move into it in a couple weeks. 

Our monthly payment will actually go down from renting. 

I am not at the hospital right now. I could go on…

I have found that the more you thank God for things, the more things you realize you have to thank God for. It’s something the multiplies if you sow into it. Give it a try if you’re feeling down. It works every time.