This weekend my long-term girlfriend-club gathered in Michigan for our bi-annual hiatus from real life. In decades past, the M&Ms met monthly in the Chicago suburbs, but in the last 5 years it’s become more difficult to find monthly dates that would work with busy schedules.

We finally settled on two “retreats” each year, both in Michigan. That’s a boon for me, since the rest of them still live in Illinois. But they willingly bear the expense and commitment of a 200 mile round trip in order to spend 24 hours together twice a year.

Sometimes we find a quiet place to have a prayer time, but whether or not that happens, increasingly we end up talking on spiritual topics. That’s because our personal commitments to Christ are the glue that has held us together all these years, and that same glue promises to bind us throughout eternity.

In any given year we don’t get to spend much time together, what with diverse travel schedules, grandmothering responsibilities, active careers, and volunteer hours, but nothing can take away the sense of togetherness we share that’s outside of time and space. That’s made possible by our God who lives outside of those realms and sometimes invites us to join him there. For example, in prayer.

Figuratively, the M&Ms meet in the Lord’s throne room whenever we approach him in conversation, and if the requests we bring are about each other, we like to think of ourselves as being in there together, with him and with each other.

A man named John Fawcett said it well in a hymn:

Blest be the tie that binds

Our hearts in Christian love;

The fellowship of kindred minds

Is like to that above.

The M&M women have a “fellowship of kindred minds.” The word “fellowship” means shared mutual interests and experiences in relationships of trust. “Kindred” refers to a person’s family or relatives collectively, and the 7 of us certainly do feel like family members who can be trusted. So… “the fellowship of kindred minds” describes what the M&Ms have. As the old hymn says, the tie that binds our hearts is Christian love.

All of this may sound weighty and overly religious, but lest you think there was any halo-polishing in my Michigan cottage this weekend, know that we also played the word-game “Catch Phrase” from 10:00 pm until 1:20 am, laughing ourselves into laryngitis and bellyaches. Though our minds are tied together in Christ, those same minds can also get good-and-goofy, too.

“God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord… that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” (1 Corinthians 1:9-10)

In the ranks of our 7 children, Klaus and Hans (#4, #5) are the closest in age at 16 months apart. While pregnant with Hans I worried how I’d deal with a newborn while still caring for a one-year-old, but somehow it got done, and after those first few difficult months, it was a joy to watch these boys build a strong friendship that’s lasted 3 decades.

When Hans got married, Klaus was his best man. This summer when Klaus gets married, Hans will be his best man. As their mom, I’m blessed to watch them relate not only as brothers but also as friends, which is true for any mother observing closeness between her children.

But it doesn’t always turn out this way, and when it doesn’t, a mom can’t force it. When children are young, we can promote harmony telling them to say, “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you,” hoping eventually they’ll understand the importance of those words. In the end, though, sibling friendship is up to siblings.

I wonder if God views the earthly friendships of his children as moms do. After all, once we become Christians, we’re all siblings in his family, and whether or not we get along is really up to us.

I love his realistic emphasis in Romans 12:18. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Although God is completely divine, he comes wonderfully down-to-earth with these instructive words. He lets us know that he knows it’s difficult (and sometimes not even possible) to live at peace with siblings or others. But what he tells us to do, we can do, which is to promote peace whenever it depends solely on us.

We can’t force peace if the other half of the relationship doesn’t want it, but we can be flawless with our half. And we don’t have to wonder what that looks like, because God gets us started with 20 useful ideas:

• Love honestly.
• Hate evil.
• Promote the excellent.
• Let others get the glory.
• Serve God with enthusiasm.
• Demonstrate joy.
• Have hope.
• Navigate troubles patiently.
• Pray daily.
• Give to the needy.
• Invite people over.
• Show kindness to the unkind.
• Get excited over another’s happiness.
• Be sad with a mourner.
• Promote harmony at home.
• Don’t rank people.
• Practice humility.
• Never try to even-the-score.
• Make righteous choices.
• Remind yourself God is always working.

In practicing these, even some of them, we’ll steadily chip away at the Lord’s instructions to live at peace “when it depends on us.” And to the extent we make that effort, he’ll skillfully cause all sorts of unexpected things to happen behind the scenes until (surprise!) fractious relationships begin to evidence peace…

…sometimes even when we thought it wasn’t possible.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

The other day Birgitta and Emerald set out to run some errands together, and since infant car seats have to be in the back seat these days, a young mommy can’t reach her child while driving. In my day, car seats could legally be in the front (no air bags yet), which allowed mothers to adjust a pacifier, pat a fussy baby, or even hold a bottle into a hungry mouth.

But now everything’s different. My guess is accidents have been caused by mothers struggling to keep their eyes on the road while reaching behind them to shake a car seat or pat a crying baby who’s just out of reach.

Emerald isn’t a fan of her car seat and usually begins fussing the minute her straps are clicked. This trip was no exception, and when Birgitta couldn’t reach her to help, she screamed the full 19 miles to their shopping destination.

“She was safe in her chair, dressed warmly against the cold,” Birgitta said. “She’d been fed, changed, and should have fallen asleep on the ride but instead cried the entire time. Her screaming didn’t change our destination or the time it took to get there, but she made herself and me miserable the whole way.”

We talked about how older (and supposedly wiser) people like us often do the same thing, not necessarily crying full-tilt but selfishly protesting as loudly as the situation will allow. As Birgitta said, “We’re on life’s journey and will arrive at the same destination at about the same time whether we gripe along the way or not.”

The only difference is that we quickly label the pointless crying of a baby but have trouble recognizing the same conduct in ourselves.

It’s no secret which behavior is the most mature, especially in light of an adult’s grown-up understanding next to that of a 3 month old baby. Emerald has no awareness of time passing or miles clicking off, which is why we tolerate her crying. But the rest of us have no excuse, which is not to say we don’t try to excuse ourselves.

What’s really happening when we choose to be negative is exactly what was happening in the car with Emerald. Her self-focused objections dominated, making everyone miserable including herself. Our negativity does the same to those around us. They say misery loves company, but none of us is willing to accompany miserable people who selfishly focus on what’s going wrong for them. We’d rather be with someone positive, which is why God tells us to keep our self-focused moments to a minimum.

If we don’t, we’ll simply reap what we sow, which amounts to an abundant harvest of misery, both inside and out of our cars.

“The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds!” (Galatians 6:7, The Message)