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Physical pain is a monster. People who have had chronic pain know what I mean. I used to take my health for granted, as if it were owed to me, as if I was entitled to X number of years before things went downhill. We all know we’ll die at some point. We just don’t know when. We have all been sick for a while, but the me in days-gone-by used to get better. Honestly, I probably had illness or sickness stop me from work or school about 2 days every 5 years… and I went to the doctor even less than that.

I’m sure there are some scientific or psychological stages a person goes through with illness that goes on and on. Maybe denial, acceptance, then, “Is this really happening to me?” maybe, “What did I do to deserve this?” Then the wicked thought, “Why not any one of the thousands of people i see walking around ungrateful for their health?” as if they should replace me in this crucible. 

Annso and I walked around the block here in Rochester a little while ago. The second time today. i try for at least some exercise to keep from totally wasting away, but walking is really all I can do for now. I’ve developed this intense back pain in the last couple weeks. I had something similar in my neck not too long ago which makes most movement difficult. 

They did an MRI and looked at some of the older scans to monitor the cancer and see if it moved into the bones in that area. They said it’s there, but no bigger, no smaller. They talked about a big radiation blast, but never ended up doing anything then it went away slowly over 6 weeks. This back thing is like that. The sharp ongoing pain doesn’t let me forgot the situation I’m in.

Totally unrelated, the catheter in my left lunch clogged and would no longer drain about 4 days ago, so we went in and the doc was able to free things up with a drug that got me flowing again, which is positive. There are always positive things about this ordeal, but sometimes it’s harder to think of them than at others. 

Lots of mornings I write a gratitude list just too remind myself of them. Just a few here: 

I’m at the Mayo Clinic being serviced by some of the best Cancer doctors in the world. 

I have the best wife who loves me and takes such good care of me always with the best attitude. 

It has always been a dream of mine to own a rental property and today we closed on a triplex and plan to move into it in a couple weeks. 

Our monthly payment will actually go down from renting. 

I am not at the hospital right now. I could go on…

I have found that the more you thank God for things, the more things you realize you have to thank God for. It’s something the multiplies if you sow into it. Give it a try if you’re feeling down. It works every time.

The God-Factor

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Ann Sophie, Will, and Astrid came back from Germany last night and I’m so glad they’re here again. They attended a memorial service for Annso’s grandmother who passed away last week among other things. I’m reminded that I also almost passed away earlier this year.

But at 49 years old, I thought I had lots more time. It turns out I might have been right at the end without even knowing it. 

Was I ready if the end did come? I’d like to think so. 

For now, I’m taking chemo meds every morning and every night doing whatever I can to stick around as long as I possibly can and the results are looking good. I have more to live for than ever before! 

On a different note, I got a follow-up call yesterday from a guy at the US Social Security office who wanted to work on finishing up my application for a disability benefit.

When he asked about my disability and heard me say “stage 4 lung Cancer”, he told me I would definitely qualify and that the payout would be labelled a ‘compassion benefit’. It would also carry on for Annso and Will in my absence. He didn’t come right out and say it, but thankfully, the benefit would continue even if I did not. 

What a wonderful thing, and for it, I’m very thankful, but it’s also sobering in another sense when statistically the world sees you as a man who will not be alive 5 years from now. Think about it. How would you feel if you knew that you would be gone within the next 5 years?

Then later the same day, Mom and I went to a check-up at the Mayo Clinic. My Mom is the queen of questions and she kept on firing away at the doc. One thing she asked was, “If the chemo meds have worked this good so far, can we expect them to keep working this way until the cancer is eventually totally gone?” 

We got more sobering news.

The doc said in her experience, there will be a plaining off then sometimes a turn before the cancer starts to grow again. But, at that point, we will come up with another plan.

“Wait a second, what?”

The effect this info had on me were strong reminders that I’m not out of the woods at all, that this kind of cancer is resilient and resistant to even the best treatment… and that most of the time, the medical community encounters some road blocks to a smooth, speedy recovery… even with a genetic match and some of the most advanced chemo treatment available.

Apparently, the ‘Match’ they found for me is not guaranteed to be the Silver Bullet I was hoping it would be. hmmm. 

Once Mom and I were in the elevator talking about the meeting, I shared how I felt. “Twice today, I was basically told by professionals that I won’t be around long.”

Without skipping a beat, Mom said quickly, “But they’re leaving out the God-Factor!” 

Yes! The God-factor! Of course, how could I forget that?

With only science and medicine, we can go part of the way, but it’s faith in the Creator of all life that finally brings the ship ashore. Common sense and reason only take me part of the way.

It’s faith that brings me home! 

Timing… Whose is it?

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There are easy days and there are hard days, but the main thing I’ve learned over and over is that you won’t know in advance what type of day you’ll get. I’ve had days that start off good and by the end, I’m at the ICU. Not easy but reality for me lately.

So many times I’ve made plans to be somewhere or meet with someone only to cancel them and end up on the sidelines in some way. This is a reality that hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to. BUT, it’s one of the teachings I’ve read in the Bible all my life, 

“Don’t worry about tomorrow, today has enough trouble of its own.” Ain’t that the truth? It’s one thing to read it. 

It’s quite another to realize it’s actual value and live it out in real life. 

There are things on our schedule like our house closing October 26. We go to church small group Thursday nights and attend a service on Sunday morning. We enjoy those things and want them to happen, but if they turn out to be impossible, then so be it. 

Right now, Annso and Will are in Germany. She had planned on going in January depending on my health but her Grandmother had a resurgence of cancer so Annso, her Mom, and little Will went over on Monday. For me, a trip like that would have been fun, but probably too risky. I’ve been doing better than ever, so the timing is good for her to be gone and I was able to get my Mom to come up from Michigan and hang out with “her oldest” in the meantime. My Mom (Margaret) on the right and Annso’s (Astrid) on the left.

 

As it turns out, Annso’s grandmother passed away just before they arrived in Germany so they were not able to introduce her to her one and only great-grandchild.

It’s a bummer. That’s what her family has said over and over,

“Oh how she would have loved to meet little Will.” 

Be that as it may, it’s still good they made it, can be a comfort in this time of grief and loss, and are introducing the baby to everyone else. 

Having a little guy around is such a blessing because he doesn’t understand cancer or death and keeps a lighter vibe going for us here in Rochester and for the bereaved over in Germany.


We wonder about God’s timing and lots of the time, it’s not what I would choose, but we work with what we get.

I often wonder why I got cancer at almost the exact moment I had my first and only son. Why in the world did those to major life events happen at the exact same time? Not what I would have chosen, but the way it went.

It helps to know we are not as “in control” as we would like to be and that’s freeing in a way. If my health went downhill, Annso would be on a flight back in a day, but for now, I’m enjoying some time with my Mom while Annso enjoys her family and shows off our new “charge”. 

We pray for favor and guidance but know that the timing is ultimately in God’s hands. 

27 “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 

34 …Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:27, 34