Nelson’s energy is waning, so these two entries are short. It’s becoming harder and harder for him to concentrate, and there are more and more breathing issues.

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December 9, 2022

At our little kitchen table at our new house, pre-dawn. It’s 7:15 am and no sign of the sun yet. Almost the shortest day of the year. I think the winter solstice is December 20. Anyway, not too much sunlight this time of year up north.

Reading Psalm 90 and 91. They say 90 was written by Moses. He’s got more of a grim outlook, talking about men finishing their years with a sigh and having 70 or 80 years, if we have the strength.

December 11, 2022

Who needs to write a journal, really. So many people with blogs. Writing can be therapeutic. Annso is with Ralph and Astrid, giving them a little time with the baby boy.

I’m back at our place trying to outrun a panic attack of some sort. Took a Lorazepam to give me a lift, but [now] I heard her come through the door, which eases my insanity….

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“When I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.” (Micah 7:8b)

Nelson is beginning to think he might not live to see the other side of his cancer. In this journal entry, he tries to accept that unwelcome possibility.

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December 8, 2022

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)

Always a fascinating psalm when I come around to it. Written by Moses, the man of God, it calls man’s mortality to account. We are here for a little while.

My mortality is always before me. We have very little and really nothing, unless we “number our days”. I think about a sunny day, walking around some beach in LA or any other scenario where you feel like you’ll be around forever, and compare it to my life now where my mortality is always sitting right in front of my face.

Thinking about how it looks to me today, my little son, my wife, living a stone’s throw from the Mayo Clinic so I can be close to help if I need it. And it’s happened plenty that I do [need it].

How long do I have? Does it matter? Shouldn’t I live every day like it’s my last anyway? I guess when you are young and feel good, you don’t want to think about your fragility. Why would you?

Sadly, only when we are a little more “down and out” do we think about our short life and number our days. On that level, God does us a favor when we have trouble in this life.

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“There is an appointed time for every event under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

At this point, Nelson’s main problem is bone pain, specifically in one hip and leg. The doctor has told him not to put weight on that side, but Nelson wants to continue walking as long as possible and ignores that advice. He’s gratified that they’re now going to look into all that pain with additional tests.

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December 2, 2022

Here I sit at 3 am in our new little kitchen. We’ve been here for about 2 weeks now, but time is starting to move quicker now.

I still have cancer, even though there are days I wonder if it’s really true. But the constant pain reminds me, along with the daily pill regiments.

I wish it were a dream. At first I thought I would wake up from it at some point.

It’s crazy that [my friend] Ken has it also, even though we haven’t really talked much so far. I can hardly believe that. How can it be that we have it together? In a way it’s a blessing to have someone to go through it together with.

I have a bunch of tests they are going to run today to find out what is happening with these back and leg issues. Dr. Mansfield said he can’t dismiss the pain, being as tough as it is, given my age [49] and that I have cancer.

He said in a patient my age without the cancer, it wouldn’t mean much to him, but for me, he wants to be sure. I get nervous about being admitted [to the hospital] in these times, but we have to go along with the program.

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“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 4:2)