Nate’s pain woke him with the message that it was time for his meds. After he took the pills, we spent time chatting in bed, waiting for relief to come. We talked about when the kids were little, remembering funny things they’d said. Then suddenly he became introspective.
“Life’s interesting,” he said. “Its like you come up against a wall that’s ten feet tall but you can’t see over it. On the other side is your future. You want to see it, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t.”
I believe he’s beginning to absorb the truth of his pancreatic cancer, the raw statistic that of 37,000 people who had this disease last year in our country, 95% of them died within their year of diagnosis. Nate is a numbers man. He’s logical. He understands bad odds when he reads them.
“I want you to dig out my life insurance policy today so I can refresh my mind about its terms,” he said. “We also need to find my will and re-read it. And I want to be sure you have power of attorney. That’ll make everything easier when I’m not around.”
I wanted to sit bolt upright and yell, “Stop! What about the other 5%? Maybe that’ll be you!” But something inside my head said, “Don’t interrupt. Let him say what’s on his mind.” It was God I’m sure, making me bite my lip. When Nate finished talking, I agreed to find the files.
After a morning nap, he re-opened the subject. “Can you hunt for those documents now?” I found them, and then sat quietly with my Coke Zero, watching Nate study the life insurance policy. He knit his brow and then nodded slightly.
“I think you’ll be ok, even if you live into your nineties.”
“It’s awful to think of you not being here,” I said, fighting tears but trying to sound like we were having an everyday conversation. “Maybe we could take a trip in the near future, like to Greenfield Village or someplace.” But both of us knew my suggestion wasn’t compatible with the immediate future we could already see.
“Sure,” he said, wanting to make me happy. “Good idea.”
After he studied all the documents, he seemed to be satisfied. He rested his head back on the chair, folded his hands over his chest and closed his eyes.
“You know,” he said, “even if I could jump up and get a quick look over that wall into my future, by the time I really got there, it would have changed anyway.” And in that statement, there was a letting go of the pressure to control what he knows he cannot.
Twice in recent days Nelson has quoted this phenomenal Proverb:
“A man’s heart devises his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
Nate has made his plans. They include insurance, a will, power of attorney and other things. But today he accepted the truth that he can’t control what actually happens. God will be the one to say when Nate’s earthly steps stop and his heavenly ones begin. But there is nothing to fear. Quite the contrary, its all good news:
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
for those who love him.” (1 Corinthians 2:9)
Margaret, I was praying for all of you last night after reading your last post and was reminded of Psalm 77:19 – “Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.” I pray that even though your family might feel like you are in a dark chasm with towering heights of water looking ready to crash down all around you, that you would know that our God is walking with you, going before you, has carved out this very chasm for you to walk through, and that the danger all around isn’t meant for you but for the enemy pursuing you. I pray that all the Nyman family would get to stand on the other side of that sea and watch Him display His power on your behalf.
I rejoice with you both over the precious times of intimacy you have ….not in spite of but…..because of this time of pain and wondering.
I am reading as tears flow just trying to imagine what God could possibly have for all of us on the other side of the wall as Nate describes. We all have those walls in life but in Christ we have him and no matter what is on the other side he has already been there and prepared our way. Our love and prayers are with you all. Give Nelson and Klaus hugs from Rick and Debbie Crady. Tell Nate we thank our God upon every remembrance of him! We will see each other again! Blessings!
Margaret, I can well imagine how difficult it was for you to have that conversation with Nate, with the knowledge that his time may truly be limited. Though the prayers are for God’s will, we are all praying for that maricle to put Nate in that 5% statistic. We praise God that all of your children will all be there these next few weeks. much love and prayers, Terry and John
We appreciate reading how God has given you the strength in this very difficult battle. Your dependence on His faithfulness is very encouraging.
We miss Nate’s political insights and knowledge.
Margaret, you have been my guiding light for so many years. I carry your incredible notes of encouragement in my Bible and read them frequently. I will always remember your consolation in those tough times of kids growing beyond us, comparing shades of orange. How beautiful to read about Nelson quoting that perfect Proverb. Our children have returned, as promised, from “foreign lands.” Now you are on another journey and again your beautiful prose inspire us all. We pray for you and Nate (who you are beautifully revealing to us in new ways) every day. Lots and lots of love, Mary and Ray
Margaret – Years ago my grandpa had a heart attack and when they were taking him to the ambulance, he was trying to tell my grandma about something he wanted her to do or tell someone. She was worried about him, so pretty much shushed him and didn’t want him to worry about stuff. He ended up dying and she never knew what it was that he wanted taken care of or passed along, but knew that it must have been important to him or he wouldn’t have tried to tell her at such a crisis time. All that to say, it IS important to listen to people, even if it isn’t something that we want to hear or something we think is important. I’m glad that you and Nate can communicate what’s on your hearts. Thank you so much for sharing your lives with us in your blog! Love you both! — Cathy
Yes, cherish these moments together with all your kids and grandchildren and be thankful that God is giving you and Nate the time to enjoy one another’s company. I love reading your blog and keeping up to date on what’s happening. Thank you so much for taking the time to write! I love you all!
Marta
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