After the death of a husband, how long does it take to heal? When is grieving finished?
Fourteen months after Nate died, as I looked back over that year’s blog posts, I was surprised to realize not every one of them had been about him. At first I was appalled but later realized it was a sign of a broken heart being mended.
C. S. Lewis published a small book of journal entries penned during deep sorrow over losing his wife to cancer. A Grief Observed was so personal, he wouldn’t allow his name on the cover but instead ghost-published as N. W. Clerk. After Lewis died several years later, his stepson republished it revealing his true identity.
Lewis went through raw grief, doubting God’s love and availability to him, wondering whether there was an afterlife at all. But by the end of the book, his relationship with the Lord had been restored, and his grief was beginning to heal. He wrote:
“There was no sudden, striking emotion. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight when you first notice them, they have already been going on for a long time.”
That year after Nate died I was encouraged to realize my healing had already been going on for a long time. It wasn’t that I was “finished,” but just as Lewis learned, raw emotion slowly mellows. Instead of labeling Nate as “missing”, as having left a big, empty hole in our family, I began to think of him as our larger-than-life husband and father, the lively, loyal head of our family who was full of personality and loved each of us wholeheartedly.
As one of our kids said somewhere during that first year, “Papa was a legend.” He wasn’t the kind of legend that made the cover of TIME, but a Nyman-legend to be sure. Grief has a way of wrapping what’s good with a negative shroud, but as time passes and we heal, the layers peel away, and the positives come shining through.
God has helped me see more and more of these positives as the years have passed, and I credit him with every bit of my healing. He’s been my constant companion, my shield from despair and, as the biblical David put it, “the lifter of my head.”
Had we known Nate would die at 64, leaving us after only 42 days of warning, we’d have still chosen him for our husband and father. He will always be our main man, the one we wanted then, the one we still love now, and the one for whom we thank God.
“You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and he answered me.” (Psalm 3:3-4)
Margaret, I remember at some point reading your blog and thinking, “She didn’t talk about Nate today!” Don’t know if that was the first time or just the first time that I noticed. I do always wish I had known Nate better before he died, instead of “getting to know him” afterwards. I would have loved to try to talk Russian with him and ask him about his law practice. Well, maybe in heaven we’ll get a chance someday!
This post is so true for me too! My husband has been gone for seven years now! Hard to believe. In that time I have had two really good friends that their husbands have taken their life’s. Difference — but the same. I have felt and still do feel it is my job to help them. God has lead me to help.
My husband like Nate.. Was a good man..and we miss him still and always will. But I see him live through his sons, they are all such good dads! Learned that for him! And his grand kids! He lives on.
Grief is hard, but I know you know too…everybody does it differnet! Not right or wrong. What works for you! Or me!! The first year, wow. I just wanted it over. Then what? As you can see I made it and healed!
Thanks so much for all your great words! I so enjoy them!!
Margaret,
I remember having that same thought as Cathy above! “She didn’t talk about Nate today.” Along with that thought was another thought. God is showing the rest of us that He is healing Margaret in His time! So encouraged and thankful that you have chosen to share your life journey in so many different ways with all of us. Miss you, friend!
Only Jesus can HEAL INSTANTLY, as we all know. the old saying “Time heals all wounds” is absolute truth. I used to have my doubts about that, but ‘time’ and ‘experience’ has changed my mind, Jesus changed my heart, GOD changed my life! Now, the Holy Spirit changes everything! Even the things considered a negative, become a positive, with knowledge and understanding.
It has been quite a journey, I know, and your sharing it with the world, has been a ‘healing’…for you and all who reads your blog. March on, sweet Margaret – the best is yet to come!
This was an encouraging post! Grieving is different for all of us. Healing takes time, and we grow daily in the strength, love, peace and joy of Jesus.
I had read the verse, that you used here today, to my husband in his last 4 months. ~ Psa 3:3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield about me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. ~ Near the end my husband told me that God was the ‘lifter of my head’. He could not lift his head then.
I miss my husband every day, but knowing he is with Jesus makes all the difference.
Love, hugs and prayers for you and your family ~ FlowerLady