This afternoon, I sat down to do what I do every January but hadn’t gotten around to doing yet this year. Like many people, I transfer birthdays year to year with a colored marker.
As I paged through the months of 2010 writing 89 names on their special squares, I came to Nate’s birthday in August.
Thankfully Louisa and Birgitta were sitting nearby to keep me from slipping, and I wrote his name down as if he would be with us: “Nate – 65”
After our Chicago-based children had departed, I returned to the calendar to finish. Splashed all over the month of October was the green script detailing Nate’s rapid decline. When I got to November 3rd, the day he died, I wished the girls were still nearby. But tears are cleansing, and eleven tissues later, I felt much better. I wrote “Nate gone: 1 year.”
Nate’s cancer and death was a test God permitted, but the test didn’t end on November 3rd. It’s still ongoing for each of us. I think of it like the grueling ACT, SAT and GRE tests of school days where one subject would end and another would begin. Not until every section had been completed were we allowed to consider it done.
Nate’s cancer diagnosis was Part I of this test. His 42 day battle was Part II. His death was Part III. The many changes and continuing sorrow are Part IV. As with the ACT, SAT and GRE, we may get breaks between testing sections, but sure-as-we’re born, another test will follow. The only one of us completely exempt from testing is Nate.
This afternoon I sat for a long time thinking about life’s tests. Unlike in school testing, we aren’t being asked for facts. Rather each test is to prove our allegiance. What or who do we live for? Where do we get the strength to keep going?
And another important question, who’s grading the tests?
The score-keeper is God, of course. Those of us who know him personally want to pass his tests with flying colors for one reason: we love him. But I’m fairly sure the greatest benefit of God’s testing program is not for him at all but for us.
As each set of challenges comes, in our case Nate’s death, we have two choices. 1) We can look to God for “tutoring” to get us through it, or 2) we can shake a fist at him screaming “How dare you!”
Both responses involve deep pain, but the first also includes encouragement and hope from the Tutor, while the second brings dissatisfaction and bitterness from the student. One proves we have a strong faith in God. The other should make us wonder.
Jesus offers a great example. When facing death for millions of sins he never committed, he pleaded with God to exempt him. Unlike the life-tests we experience, this was a torment beyond our comprehension. But when God didn’t change the plan, Jesus willingly changed everything about his own point of view. His trust in God held him, and he came through with a perfect score.
Our family’s test, losing Nate “early” to a disease we couldn’t stop, is insignificant compared to the test Jesus had to take. How could we shake a fist at God after watching his Son experience the cross?
Through Nate’s death we were all given a chance to see what’s buried deep within us. Is our faith real or is it all talk? Just as the ACT, SAT and GRE score sheets tell us where we stand academically, our response to a life-test indicates where we stand with God. Personally, I want to be sure of what’s on my score sheet.
Hanging my calendar back on its nail tonight, I knew that some day, when my name and death are written on a specific calendar square, the only test that will matter at all will be the one Jesus passed. Because of that, I’ll be able to join Nate and all the others who will never have to take another test again.
“The Lord your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.” (Deuteronomy 13:3b-4)
I think you did a good decision on writting Nate’s birthday, I stil write my grandpa’s and he passed away for 18 years ago this year… It’s stil the person we loved’s birthday so I think we should think of these persons on these dates =)
It must feel like you’ve lived a whole other lifetime in the last 4 months. Doesn’t grief have a way of blurring time by either elongating it or zinging past with a slippery, just-out-of-reach feel…a dear Nigerian friend whose grown son died of measles after coming to the US– can tell me exactly how long ago, to the day, he died. And then each week panics over how quickly the days fly by before it’s time to teach her Bible study class again! Having dismally failed many of God’s tests in the areas of both grief and time, I’m so glad you included a picture of the cross! Because didn’t Jesus also have to study to pass His test… memorizing Scripture, resisting temptation, learning at the feet of men He created, making furniture, caring for the woman who bore Him, and praying without ceasing. Passing those tests enabled Him to shout from that cross..”It is finished!” You mention often Nate’s acceptance of God’s diagnosis and time-line for his life, and that says worlds about how he was accepting “detours” all along the way. And by filling his name in your calendar, that is what you are doing, too. Accepting God’s elongation of time from Nov 3…to that day when He says, “Margaret…time’s up. Come on home.”
Thank you again for giving me words to express some of my thoughts and feelings today about the fragility and shortness of life as we live it on this earth. Grace and peace to you today, Margaret.
Ok, I have written a couple of times and yet unwilling to share my name. But I will share that this God of yours is intriging and my curiosity of y’all is increasing. I have read nearly all the blogs on this sight and see an incredible strength, amazing love, unbelievealbe friendships, unending support and all in the name of Jesus. I bought a bible this weekend, where do I begin. I look forward to your answer.
Hi there…
I’m so, so glad you commented today and are finding God between the lines of my blog. You called him “this God of yours”, meaning me, and the good news is, he wants to be your God, too. It’s thrilling that you took the initiative to buy a Bible. You have a powerful book in your hands with the answers in it to every one of life’s hardest questions. You will find God’s love for you in every section of the Bible, but the Gospel of John might be a good place to start. In its chapters you will meet Jesus personally. He tells who he is, and one of the things he is, is a reflection of God the Father. So if you get to know Jesus, you are also getting to know God. Very soon there may be a “contact me” button on the blog site. My son-in-law is working on that. If so, you and I can chat privately, which I would love to do. May God open your eyes and heart to the truth in his word as you read. He says, “Those who seek me with a sincere heart WILL find me.” And that’s you! Most Sincerely, Margaret
First – Dear Anonymous – even though we don’t know your name, we pray for you and love you already. Your response to God is not by chance, but by the divine appointment that He set up.
Second – Dear Margaret – will be praying for you on August 18, November 3, your wedding anniversary date, Christmas, your birthday, etc. Each date has a special memory and a special meaning. Love you – M.
Thank you so much for constantly reminding me to have an eternal perspective. I love you.
Hey Anonymous,
What a great question- “where do I start?”
I’m a teacher by trade, and that kind of enthusiasm just ramps up the old heart!
How about this- go to the beginning of the New Testament- it opens with the four gospels- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Pick one of them and just start reading. When you discover something you didn’t know before or have a question, send us a comment about it- kind of a cyber Bible study. What do you think? Game?
God knows your name, and He is delighted that you are responding to His pursuit of you. I second Martye’s comment above.
A fellow seeker,
Terry
Margaret,
Interesting comments about writing Nate’s dates on the calendar. I also keep a “paper” calendar, and each year I continue to write the birthdays and wedding anniversary of my mom and dad –
Sept 11 will be 30 years since my dad’s death and Oct 14, 19 years since my mom’s. Each year as I prepare my new calendar, I just can’t seem to leave their names off. I end up thinking of them throughout the month as I look at their dates on the calendar – even after all these years. It has become a comforting thing to me and a time to focus on good memories. Will pray for you as you pass Nate’s special dates this year.
Hi Margaret,
I am still faithfully reading your blog everyday. Thank you for continuing to share both moments of joy and sorrow. I have passed on your link to many people and they too have been encouraged. I particularly love the pictures that you add along with your words. Somehow they make the truth even more vivid and compelling. Keep writing…
Lynn
Dear Margaret, My mother (Chris Morris…) has been recently forwarding your blog to me, and I am hooked! 🙂 It is clear that your love for God and your sweet submission to His will for your life is bearing fruit. What a blessing you are to me. May God continue to be all that you need in the days and weeks to come. And may August…(Nate’s Birthday) and November 3…and all the days in between be filled with the grace of God. Standing with you…Mindy (Morris) Orr