Living here in my Michigan cottage, I’ve been thinking about the many friends I still have in the Chicago area. I’ve also thought back on one friendship that traveled a very bumpy road.
This person who I knew for decades and loved deeply hurt me by something she did, taking advantage of our relationship in a way she didn’t see as a problem. To me it was cruel, but she never saw it that way, even when I confronted her.
The problem grew, however, in that this offense began to dominate my thinking, every single day. No matter how I tried, including repeated efforts to hand it over to the Lord, I couldn’t get rid of it. It was like someone had strapped a lead-filled back pack on me, insisting I carry it every waking moment.
One day I was complaining to another friend about the mess, defending my anger and my position as the victim. She’d heard my speech one too many times and finally asked, “What exactly would you like to happen, best case scenario?”
I was ready with an answer. “I want her to feel the hurt exactly like I do, so she’ll be sorry.”
It shocked and disappointed me when my friend shook her head and said, “She never will.”
I argued my position, but she stuck with her opinion. “You’ll have to give up wishing for that, or you’ll live the rest of your life hoping for something you’ll never get.”
I had a different scenario in mind. First, she would feel terrible and, with tears, would ask my forgiveness. Second, our friendship would be restored. Third, I’d be able to release my feelings of hostility and get closure.
After struggling for seven months, I realized my “friend” probably wasn’t thinking about the offense at all. And my other friend’s prediction was coming true: I was hoping for something I’d probably never get, and the striving was eating me up.
Why did I want this woman to feel the same pain I did? I guess I thought it would be a type of shared suffering, that if she felt badly too, I would only feel half as bad. It started to dawn on me, though, that even if she shared my misery, it wouldn’t have been enough.
Eventually I did find help. It came through two statements made by Pastor Colin Smith in a sermon:
- God feels what you’re feeling.
- Jesus went to the cross for the sin that caused your pain.
Once I realized God had been watching on the day she wounded me and genuinely felt the extent of my pain, it was as if someone lifted the heavy back pack from my shoulders. I also realized that because Jesus was tortured and killed for sin, he would deal with my offender personally and didn’t need my help.
These two truths were so freeing, it wasn’t long before I found myself moving back toward this woman, without resentment or anger. My get-even mentality had completely disappeared, along with its heaviness.
Seventeen years have gone by since the hurtful incident occurred. I’m still friends with this woman, and occasionally I think about it but without struggle or bitterness. If anything, I have greater appreciation for God’s power to affect change from the inside out, simply by showing me who he is. He’s a personal friend willing to share in our suffering, and he’ll insure justice in the end.
Although his “Rules for Relationships” often go against human logic, they work remarkably well. And in missing my Chicago friends, I am missing that friend, too.
”If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
You are absolutely right. Even if she had shared your misery, it wouldn’t have been enough. I know because I was in HER shoes once…the Offender!
I came to understand how much I had wronged the person I had hurt and I humbly confessed my offense, took all of the responsibility and asked forgiveness. But it didn’t take their pain away and this person continued to try to inflict pain on me because of the pain they were in. As long as they were in pain, they wanted me to be in pain.
My pastor explained that when we are in pain we want the other person to suffer, too, but that Jesus already paid the full price and we are not required to suffer over and over again when we have humbly confessed, made any restitution necessary and asked forgiveness. I didn’t give up and eventually this friendship was restored but it taught me a lot about offenses and forgiveness. Whether you are the offender, or the offended, bitter roots can take hold and take all the joy out of living! You are the one who benefited from forgiving.
I heard someone say once that bitterness is a poison that you take when you want your enemy to die.
Amen ladies, I have been on the receiving end. Thank the Lord for his power and work in us.
There is so much I can say about hurtful situations (but won’t), I too have been on the receiving end and have fought with guilt, bitterness and anger. Margaret you said it best, God feels what we are feeling and Jesus went to the cross for the sin that caused the pain. Mel Lorenz a pastor in Milwaukee also said there are three kinds of guilt,(I dealt with so much guilt)
1. The guilt we allow others impose upon us
2. The guilt we impose upon ourselves
3. The guilt God imposes upon us.
The only guilt that counts is the God given guilt. We must seek forgiveness for our sin to be released from this guilt. We are only responsibile for ourselves and our actions. Once this “aha” moment took hold, the burdens lifted. Bitterness and anger only hurt and destroy the person who carries them. Great post today.
Thank you
I can relate to what you went through and attest with you that true forgiveness towards others is for our benefit so that we can live with a peaceful mind and heart which will also create a healthy body. For most of my adult years, I lived with toxic emotions, wrestling between how I should think and feel as a Christian versus what was truly going on underneath. It literally made my body sick. The Lord revealed the true root of my chronic illness which is bringing restorative healing physically and emotionally, never to be tormented by those toxic thoughts and emotions again. He is the only Redeemer of damaged relationships and does a far better job than we can of our own accord. I praise the Lord with you for the freedom which you have found.
Thanks for being so candid, Margaret. It’s a wonder any relationship makes it over the long haul, given that both members are sinners. I’ve heard it said so many times, and know it to be true, both in painful unreconciled situations and joyful soul-satisfying ones- “there are no enduring relationships apart from forgiveness.”
Thank you for the good words that there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Love,
Terry
My wise, godly mother who is now in Glory used to start many a word of advice with the following phrase, “In the light of eternity. . .” When I remember to put an eternal perspective on things that happen to me hear, it puts the hurt in its proper place. I know that many times the Lord has to remind me that it is not the job of any human being to fill my emtional tank. My focus is to be on Him. He never disappoints.
In 1983, I made up my own affirmation:
I, ___(put your name here)________, will never let a person, place, or thing control my negative emotions for more than 30 minutes. After that amount of time, it becomes my problem.
We cannot help how we initially react, when hurt, no more than when a sharp object jabs us; it’s what we do with the situation,…..later.
What a Savior! Your thoughts remind me daily of all His Attributes. Thanks.
Margaret.We were at Orchard your church changed their name this last Sunday for the hymn sing.what a wonderful night and your pastor Colin Smith is great.reminds me of Pastor Redpath with his accent. if that church was closer we would leave ours and go there.what a place to worship.love ya barb & wally too.