After the weekend of the Military Ball, a relationship shift had taken place. Nate was disappointed, and though I was the reason, I felt disappointment, too – especially about his wanting to date other girls. Even so, throughout the weekend there had been many moments when we didn’t discuss our relationship, and that’s when we ran around like kids, laughed, and relished every minute together.
One afternoon was spent at Allerton, 30 miles outside of Champaign, hiking the beautiful landscape. Then, parked on a blanket in the woods, we studied, did my taxes, napped… and both said the words, “I love you.”
Back home… from my journal:
It seems irresponsible not to commit to Nate. I feel bad about the frustration I’m causing him but don’t see a way out of it for now. What he should probably do is just produce a ring with a “guess what” attitude, and we’d probably sail happily through life together.
One thing I’ve learned about myself during these months is that I’m good a snap decisions, but the long-range ones just kill me. I feel like Nate and I are only at the beginning of our relationship, while he thinks we’re well down the road. One thing is sure: I’ve just got to get (my old boyfriend) out of my head.
April 17, 1969 – Dear Nate. After talking with you at length about our relationship last weekend, I don’t know what to think. You are right to say you will date around, but I’m at a loss to say what should happen next. I do love you. And when I think of truly losing you, I get scared. But I don’t really “have” you, do I.
April 18, 1969 – Dearest Meg. Our spiritual time on Easter Sunday and the prayer times of last weekend are very meaningful to me. Since then my Bible reading time (at lunch) has been better understood by me. Jesus Christ is my first love and the first commitment of my life. But I also love you. And He will lead us.
April 19, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m feeling rather blaa tonight… not depressed or in a bad mood, just sad that you and I aren’t together. I am missing you. I tried to call you tonight, but I guess I didn’t expect you to be home on a Friday evening. I know the Army is going to “hold you captive” for 18 hours starting tomorrow, so of course you went out. I guess I’ll just go to bed early and try to cheer myself by thinking back to the many good moments of last weekend. It sure was fun at Allerton Park. I love you. Meg
April 20, 1969 – Dearest Meg. I awoke this morning thinking of you and wishing you were still at my side. I’ve thought of a sweet little nickname for you: “Maj.” It’s your initials, M.A.J. What do you think? I still love you very, very much and am looking forward to sharing my schedule with you a week from now when you come down during your spring break. I want to be with you.
April 20, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’ve discovered that you mean more to me than I have admitted through all of this self-searching about marriage. In a way, you have a great deal of power over me and my emotions, more than you know. It’s a good kind of power. I need someone like you who will reassure me over and over of the love he feels for me, probably for the rest of my life. Is there another like you anywhere? I doubt it. I have so many things to talk to you about when I see you. It makes me happy to know that will be soon.
“Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no.” (James 5:12)