Before I became a widow, I often thought about women-friends who’d already started down that road. I’d heard about the struggle of coming to each holiday for the first time after a husband’s death and knew a widow surely was sad at Thanksgiving, Christmas and her spouse’s birthday. Other lesser holidays, I figured, weren’t too bad.
Now that I’m ticking off those “firsts” for myself, I realize how wrong I was. Every long marriage has specific ways of walking through each holiday, both the lesser and the greater ones. Granted, some are more important than others, but each one has special meaning for a husband and wife.
I’ve just passed Mother’s Day. As Linnea remembered her father through tears she said, “Papa would have brought you flowers, two dozen roses or something extravagant like that.” She also reminded me that every Mother’s Day celebration is really initiated by the husband, well before the children are old enough to understand. It’s for couples before it’s for children. Linnea helped to lift the gloom by sending a beautiful orchid plant, and Klaus also stepped into his father’s shoes by bringing a bright bouquet of summer flowers.
Today I woke up thinking, “Another first without Nate is behind me.” Although I held it together on Sunday, today has been more complicated. While packing for my trip to England tomorrow, the tears flowed. I couldn’t stop them. Although I pushed through laundry, errands, phone calls and emails, my heart ached and my two pocket tissues had to be replaced again and again.
Honestly, I think it was all about this first Mother’s Day without Nate, even after the fact. The hole he left in our family will never be filled. He loved all things holiday, buying gifts, bringing me flowers, writing thoughtful messages on cards and celebrating at dinner tables.
I’m six months into widowhood, about half way through my “firsts”: Thanksgiving, our anniversary, the Christmas Eve Swedish smorgasbord, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, Nelson’s birthday, Adam’s birthday, Katy’s birthday, a new grandson’s arrival, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, the spring trip, the birth of twin grandbabies, Louisa’s birthday and Easter… 17 biggies are behind me.
Klaus’ birthday will be next, followed by the most poignant “first” of the entire year, Memorial Day. Annually our relation gathers at the family cemetery plot to reminisce about those who’ve gone before us and to be grateful for their lives. Last year Nate was with us, contributing historical information and enjoying the get-together. None of us ever dreamed by Memorial Day of this year, he’d be buried in that same place.
Once we get through that, Father’s Day will be another hard one, then Birgitta’s birthday, Linnea’s birthday, the 4th of July, Nate’s birthday, my birthday, Labor Day weekend, the September family vacation, Hans’ birthday and Lars’ birthday. There are 29 “firsts” to get through in this family year. Although 29 doesn’t eat up much of 365, it does deliver a slew of painful reminders that Nate is gone.
From this vantage point, I’m wondering what the “seconds” will be like, surely less heartbreaking than the “firsts”. My guess is there will be tears then, too, but they’ll be cried in private.
Thankfully, God comes with us into those secret places and looks deep into our hearts. He comforts us based on what he finds there and does his miraculous healing in those hidden depths.
“God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7b)
About 25 years ago I had the privilege of meeting your aunt and she told me the story of her daughter’s death, described in your March 24th post. At that time it had been about 30 years since Karen’s accident and your aunt told me during a private conversation that it isn’t true what “they say” about time healing all wounds. She said it hurt just as much as when the accident first happened but she had learned how to carry the pain and to live with it by the grace of God.
You and Nate were one of the most “united as one” couples I have ever met and you have lost a part of you, as if you had lost a major limb, I guess. You will never be the same but as I read your posts I can see you learning how to glorify God in the midst of loss and living your life by accepting and adapting to the loss. You are brave and true and you testify to the One who is True Bravery and the source of Truth and Nate would be so proud of you (in the right sense.)
Thank you for shining light on a path that you never wanted to walk and that I don’t want to follow…but some of us will. I am thankful that I don’t know the short term future but I am confident of my long term future, with God and Nate and the other faithful ones who have finished the race.
I thought of you on Mother’s Day and figured it would be hard. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Really, from how you describe your life with Nate, every day was a special day. Blessings.
I needed those specific words today. Thank you my friend, travel safe!
May God replace the heartache of loss with Joy of the two lives He has given you to embrace – grandbabies – and new memories to tuck away and reflect on somewhere down your path. Such a heartfelt blog, and my prayers are with you. Have a wonderful trip/visit with Hans and Katy and those precious babies.
I read a daily devotional called Daily Homilies by F B Meyer. One that jumped out at me this week was “Don’t call me Naomi, call me Marah” I know you can find it online and that it will truly bless you. Have a great trip
Dear Margaret, I read your blog daily but seldom comment. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for you. Thank you for allowing God to use you to minister to others. Thank you for sharing your sorrow, your wisdom, your life. You are such an encouragement. You’ll never fully know this side of heaven what a blessing you’ve been to others. I know you didn’t sign up for widowhood any more than Nate signed up for cancer, but you choose to remain faithful to God and to allow him to use you for His Glory. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you the absolute best on your trip to England. I’ll be praying. Love, Deborah
Margaret,
I was referred to your blog by one of my pastors’ wives just prior to Nate’s passing. I have been reading 3 or 4 times a week, and it seems that the posts that I just “happen” to read speak to me right where I am.
My family and I are coming up on the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death on May 17 and we are about to finish our year of “firsts” and move on to our year of “seconds”. Thank you so much for the soothing words, stories, and scripture you share with the world. They have truly been a balm to me. God is using you to touch other people’s lives and help them work through their own grief. I know that I said it already, but thank you thank you thank you!
-Morgan
I am just one month into my “firsts”. My first “first” was my son playing in a band concert. My husband was a former band director and LOVED music. I cried as I thought of how proud he would have been! Another “first” was the day my son started his job. He commented how proud daddy would have been. Thank you for the reminder that “God knows my heart” and I don’t need to apologize to anyone for that!