This journal entry is mostly a prayer to the One who controls Nelson’s life, live or die. He believes God has full power over his cancer and trusts him to do what’s best in the long run. But how about all the struggles in the short term?

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August 15, 2022

Annso and I were reading in Job the other day and the words of this guy, Elihu, stood out to me, even though he isn’t necessarily speaking the words of God. I saw it as a word to me, either applying to heaven or to another phase of life here on earth free from all this suffering.

“He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. But now you are laden with the judgment due the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. (Job 36:16-17)

Lord, it’s hard to actually look forward to that, because I want to be here with Annso and Will. I want to raise him up and love her and be with her, but if you take me away, I have no choice about it.

You do what you do, and I can only get on board with it. We are all praying I can stay here, and that’s what we all want. Death is so uncertain, even though we all confess there is a heaven, and we want to go there. I don’t know how anyone can claim to be totally free of fear when it comes to going through that.

I have the best little family, and my prayer is to stay with them and have many more years here. Did you give us a son only to take me away, Lord, and have Annso alone with him?

Did you give us the insurance and doorway to the Mayo Clinic only for me to die at the end of all this great treatment? Are all these people praying only for me to die in this process? Please give me long life.

Please allow us to get a house or duplex so we can put down roots here and make Rochester our home. Please allow me to live to see it happen. You have always done more than all we ask or imagine, and the start to this is certainly that.

It’s hard to imagine it getting any crazier, but I’m sure you can manage that, Lord. And I’m down with whatever you have, even though the ride has gotten so bumpy I believe I might just break to pieces in the process. I am committed to the process with Annso, but I still pray for it to be over soon or at least to let up a little.

I always think it’s good to write up a gratitude list. I’m thankful for so many things. I’m thankful Ralph and Astrid have an apartment here now and for the help they are to us with Will and just in general. I pray they would pray wide open to anything you might have.

I’m thankful you have given me Annso and how great a person she is, how dedicated to you and to me she is. I could never do this without her. Thank you for the grace to go on all this time so far, for the both of us.

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 “Stand firm in the faith…. Be strong.” (1 Corinthians 16:13)