Nelson admits to being in denial about the severity of his cancer, but not to the point of lying to himself. In this entry he tries to reconcile both views.
>>>>>>>>>>
August 31, 2022
5:45 pm
Today has been a challenge. I don’t feel that great, took 4 hours worth of naps, and Annso reminded me that I’m probably not in a great place physically if I’m that tired. I know that, but don’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else. It’s a reminder that I’m not out of the woods, and I still have cancer.
As many people told me in the hospital, “You are a very sick person.” Thanks. I know. Please don’t remind me.
I sort of live in denial and lie to myself, telling myself and acting like I’m not sick. At the same time, I’m thinking that something can make improvement a reality and actually affect the outcome, so it’s not technically a lie.
I do the best I can to rest and take care of myself, but I also want to do things with my family, like go out to the pool this afternoon and be in the pictures.
I hope we can go to Michigan this Labor Day weekend. I don’t want to cancel it like I did before, but I’d rather be sick here than grinding it out over there in case something gets worse and I need to call in the big dogs at the hospital. Heaven forbid that’s needed again.
Please, Lord, help me to be able to pull through this little sickness whatever it is. I know it’s something, but please help it not to be everything.
Annso is such a strength, as always, taking my vitals and encouraging me in whatever way she can, so thank you for her, Lord. I get nervous and afraid when I think of going back to the ER and being admitted again, so I pray that doesn’t happen.
Please Lord, I beg you not to have that happen. Please don’t allow it.
I want to keep pulling out of this, not backtracking into it again. Thank you for a good immune system, for a great wife who loves me despite the challenges, for my in-laws, for the baby boy, for the house we are trying to buy, for encouragement from people who are praying, for the fact that I’m alive at all.
I could have died a while back several times, and I know that. I pray for the stamina to get through this phase, whatever “this” is. None of us mortals know what will happen to us, and this situation reminds me of that more than anything I’ve lived through before.
Life seems long, and so much has happened. 50 years is a long time. Thank you, Lord, for a good 50 years. I pray for another few decades at least, with this awesome little family you gave me. You don’t have to give it to me, but I pray for it anyway.
This illness has tested me and continues to do so.
>>>>>>>>>>
“The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts.” (Proverbs 17:3)