Though Nelson talks with Ann Sophie about wanting to live a long life, these days his journaling is focused on the possibility of death coming instead. It’s an emotional see-saw of hope and fear.
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September 11, 2022
Lord—“Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.” (Psalm 30:3-4)
That’s a good one. I’ve always liked it. Apparently there are traps set for us. I pray that this morning. I can’t handle any more trouble I don’t think. I pray that you would keep us from the traps set for us no matter what form they come in.
Thank you for prayers like this, showing us how to come to you and even what to say. The Psalms are so handy for that.
Today is Sunday. Annso, Ralph, Astrid, Will, and I will head off to church. It meets in a city rec center. Super nice people. Annso and Astrid (and Will) are going to Germany on October 10, so that will change things up a bit here. Just Ralph and I. I’m sure that will be fun. [Ann Sophie’s grandma, Astrid’s mother, was dying in Germany.]
I can invite Jeremy and/or Ken to hang for a bit. Have a throwback to the single days. I’m sure she’ll have a good time over there, and I’m happy not to go. Doesn’t sound like a lot of fun for me, always feeling sick and trying to get a rest. It’s right for me to stay back.
Besides, if things go well, our new house closes Oct.26, so I want to be around for that. What a miracle that would be to actually have it work out that we could get a house without help from anyone. Thank you Lord for helping us with that and steering us clear from making mistakes.
We are grateful for your help in the unseen. Here is one about surrendering the times to you, Lord. You know my hours and years, and they were written in your book before any of them came to pass. You said that somewhere. But I trust in you, Lord. I say, “You are my God. My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.” (Psalm 31:14-16)
No one knows his own hour. We are all in your hands, Lord. We believe in you, and even in my darkest hour when I thought I would die at the hospital a couple months ago, and I didn’t feel your presence at all, and I felt so alone, and thought I would die alone…you were there. If I felt good, I would probably have said that I trusted you, but because I was in physical agony, I thought I would be condemned.
What is the reality of the situation in those moments? Who is the man to say for sure what will really happen or what it will feel like? It’s no fun to be the man going through that while everyone else is standing outside the ICU and will go home at night.
Karl said the other day that the same thing happens to everyone, just that a few of us go earlier. The result is the same. I guess that’s true. What’s 30 more years? But here on earth, when you are Annso and Will, it’s a big deal. Earth years are long and hard.
It’s nice to have friends and people to spend time with. I pray, Lord, that you would let me stick around, if it’s your will, so I can help them and father my little boy.
Annso told me what you said to her the other day, that she prayed asking for 15 more years like Hezekiah, and you said, “Why only 15? How many do you want?” So she prayed for another 30. Can that be possible, that I would be alive until I am 80? I’ll second that, Lord.
Would you actually keep me alive until I’m 80 years old after all this? You can do it for sure. I know it.
I would be up for trying to make that happen. I’m up for the fight.
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“I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand.” (Isaiah 41:13)