Nelson is feeling his humanity in new ways after waves of doubt sweep over him. He writes out Bible verses and also a paragraph from a Bible commentary as he tries to sort it out.
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September 24, 2022
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity, so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death— that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. (Hebrews 2:14-15)
Christ became man, and died, to deliver them from those perplexities of soul, by letting them know that death is not only a conquered enemy, but a reconciled friend, not sent to hurt the soul, or separate it from the love of God, but to put an end to all their grievances and complaints, and to give them a passage to eternal life and blessedness; so that to them death is not now in the hand of Satan, but in the hand of Christ—not Satan’s servant, but Christ’s servant—has not hell following it, but heaven to all who are in Christ. ~ Matthew Henry Commentary.
Held in slavery by their fear of death is something I have had for sure. And now, having been as close to death as ever in the ICU, I was shocked at how little peace I had, how much fear I had, even as a believer, that I didn’t feel all that ready.
I have wondered about that and lots of people have asked me about it. “How was that? How did you feel?” I don’t really have the answer. I’d love to say that I had all this peace and heard the angels singing “in the sweet by and by” and maybe they weren’t because I wasn’t actually dying, but I found it disturbing.
There is still doubt, still fear, still uncertainty about my eternal destination. I bet so many Christians think and feel that way. None of us wants to admit it, but faith is not easy to come by. You just live your life acting and speaking as if you know you will spend eternity with Jesus because you are forgiven. What else can you do?
If it’s sinful to be fearful of death, I wonder how any of us will do. We are just finite people who worry about stuff like that, depending on our personalities. There have been times when this disease of cancer has been such a burden and the disease of alcoholism too, that I have wanted death just to end and destroy the two of those.
I figure whether things go well after death or not, at least those will be over… more like in the commentary above.
Thank you Lord, for Annso who just came out with the little boy and reminded me not to think too heavy in the morning. Thank you for earthly things that can help me to forget about the spiritual things. Sometimes I wonder if all the worry about heaven and hell gave me cancer in the first place. I have been disturbed by that stuff all my life.
Lord, the only resolution I have found is to keep busy with other things. Just put my head down, work, and try to be a good husband and father. Obsessing on it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere. Maybe it drives you into a career of ministry. Maybe it drives you to more prayer. I don’t know.
Thank you for my good friends, Jeremy, Donavan, Ken, Brian, Rob, Derek, and others who “get me,” who don’t hold things against me.
Thank you for family and especially my siblings and how many of them there are. How cool is it that we are so many and have had relatively copacetic relationships over the years.
Thank you for Mom and the example she sets, that she is coming to stay here with me while Annso is going to Germany. I’m surprised how much I’m looking forward to that. Maybe just a break in the routine. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I never know how much time Mom and I will have. We didn’t get much when I was there over Labor Day.
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“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.” (Psalm 138:8)