With Ann Sophie in Germany now, Nelson is overcome by how much he misses her and how much he loves her.

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October 10, 2022

6 pm

Well, we got Mom a parking pass so she doesn’t have to worry about her car being towed. I just took my Tafinlar chemo pill right on schedule. I’m here with Mom now, and Annso, Astrid, and baby Will are off to Germany. I’m struck with how much I miss them, mostly Annso of course.

I really don’t know what I would do without her. She’s the world to me. She provides me with so much without even knowing it. I can hardly believe the void she fills in my life. I would like to think I rely on Jesus, and I hope I do, Lord, but I have to admit, she’s the person you show your love to me through, the most. I had no idea how much I would miss her until she’s actually gone.

Right now, she just landed in Canada with a 2.5 hour layover and hopefully a United Lounge pass that works for her and her Mom. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have this massive guilt that comes crashing down on me when she leaves like this.

She said she doesn’t want me to feel guilty about what I do or how I fall short and that I am a great husband, but I have such a hard time not feeling it anyway. Thinking about what I could do better or more for her, I could thank her for being the best wife in the whole world. She does so much and has such an undying love for me. I can hardly think I deserve it.

I ask her why she does so much for me, and she just says it’s because she loves me. I can hardly believe that she loves me like she does. Thank you Lord, for Annso and how she loves me. Thank you for her presence and love, for her devotion to me, for her patience. I don’t know what I can do to thank you. You’re so kind.

What would I have done with this cancer without her? What would I be like without her positive, can-do attitude always around me? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That’s all I can say.

My heart is in a flat-out panic right now for some reason. Mom is cleaning and straightening up the house like nobody’s business. I took my last 2 Lorazepam because my anxiety is off the charts. I hope to be able to tone it down a bit. Maybe it’s Morphine withdrawal. I don’t know, but I’ve always been this way to some extent.

I love you, Lord, and I’m so thankful for the life you have given me, the baby boy, the love of my life, my sweet wife and all she is and does. How is it that you have given me such a woman? What did I ever do to deserve her? I didn’t realize it until she’s been gone now, but I’m so grateful.

I pray for the strength to go on doing the right thing and taking good care of myself like she’s asked me to do. I hope to be the best man I can and to honor her in the ways she likes to be honored. My words here are the dribble of a madman at best, but you hold my mind together and give me good gifts beyond anything or anyone I could dream up or dream for. Amen.

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“Love binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14)