In this entry, Nelson continues exploring why he’s nervous about death.
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October 12, 2022
I have been praying that I would see and feel the love of Christ more all the time, less fear of God and more love I guess. I have that off balance. Mom sat here last night and told me that we are sure of it. Away from the body is at home with the Lord. She says it with such confidence, but when I thought I was dying, I didn’t feel like that at all.
Maybe I am not educated enough in the truth about God. I know the Bible, but it didn’t help me in that moment. Why not? I would like that to change.
I’ve struggled with the fear of death my whole life… and not the fear of the process of death, but the fear of standing before God after death, that he will condemn me and cut me off. That’s what I’m afraid of most I think.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1-2) There it is. There is the verse that should instill confidence in the people of God, not fear of seeing God and being condemned by him.
You have to just believe, I suppose. Just repeat the words no matter what lies in your heart. Just say it and try to believe you’ll be ok in the end. Let God change you from the inside out.
Today Mom is here and we have a pretty relaxed schedule. It’s very empty without Will and Annso, but it’s a good time and a chance to be with Mom anyway. There are about 9 days left until they come back, so instead of counting them down, I’m trying to enjoy this mini-season God has given me, and embrace it.
We are going to Luke’s place over the weekend and to church, and probably small group Thursday night, so there are a few things here and there. I’m thankful for this time, for Annso and Will being able to travel to Germany, for him being able to meet his great uncles and how important that is to his family.
Thank you for my wife and little boy. You have made dream after dream come true, Lord. And if you do this here on earth, how much more will you do that in heaven once we get there?
Thank you for the affirmation from people I’ve influenced in Kokua Crew over the years. It’s hard to see it at the time, but I’m thankful for messages from people thanking me for pushing them to do a DTS [Discipleship Training School in YWAM].
One guy sent me a message telling me he’s grateful to me for pushing him to do it and how much God is working in his life. I’m so thankful to know that. Thank you, Lord, for the bravery to say those things to those young guys. I have so much to be thankful for.
Maybe we don’t know the fullness of what happens here on earth or a true tally until we get to heaven at the end of the line, but I’m thankful for getting to know some of it here.
(…continued tomorrow)
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“The Lord your God is in your midst…. He will quiet you by his love.” (Zephaniah 3:17)