Here are three short journal entries from mid-November, as Nelson feels the intense consequences of taking double-doses of the powerful chemotherapy drugs. He’s wondering, how much can one body take?
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November 18, 2022
Spent the first couple nights at our new place. It’s been an adjustment with [all of us] sleeping in the same room for now, while we get Will’s room all ship shape for him.
We talk about Thanksgiving and going down to Michigan. Annso would have a major part of the work with Will.
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“We are given no signs from God; no prophets are left, and none of us knows how long this will be.” (Psalm 74:9)
That’s what it feels like these days sometimes. It also feels like God is preparing a table before us in the presence of our enemies. He got us this house, even with my finances the way they are, and my dream has become a reality, which is hard for me to believe.
With the Cancer, no one knows, including the doctors, how long any of this will go on or what will end it. That’s when the verse in Psalm 74 rings true, and I cry out along those lines.
At other times, when I don’t have that much physical pain, I can see things more optimistically with a grateful heart. And I can praise God for what he is doing, even among all this chaos, and it really does seem like he is preparing something good for me.
The enemy watches in anger, but there’s nothing he can do as long as I keep on fighting and leaning into God as hard as I know how.
November 19, 2022
Just finished puking my guts out here at our new place. We moved in Wednesday, and it’s Saturday night. It’s been great getting settled, but we’re further from Ralph and Astrid, which is hard for Annso.
I am praying this isn’t the beginning of a hard stretch but that it’s the end of a long hard stretch, and that we can feel the relief of God’s hand taking off the pressure for once.
November 21, 2022
Woke up quick this morning. Slept till almost 8 am, which is late for me. Spent much of the night up battling the new chemo drug quantity. I am taking twice what I was before, so that’s been a big challenge. And it keeps getting bigger, apparently.
Been taking breakthrough Morphine to get through this, along with Tylenol for the fevers and Ibuprofen for the body aches. This Cancer medication is a whopper. I don’t know what it does to a person, but I think it really takes your body on a wild ride.
It’s like a blanket of darkness is on you while you take it. You have so many issues, but no real reason for them, just fevers, joint pain, total debilitating fatigue, and lack of interest in anything other than just staying warm and trying not to vomit. I’ve even given up on that for the most part.
I don’t care about vomiting, but I don’t want to throw up all these expensive drugs down the toilet, so I try to eat them at the right time.
Just canceled Thanksgiving in Michigan. I couldn’t imagine going down there feeling like I do now. Even the last time, I almost wouldn’t do it again. It was nice to bless Astrid and Ralph with that time, but for me, I could just as easily have skipped it.
Sitting at a large gathering, feeling like I do now, is no fun at all. It’s like someone beat my back with a ball bat and I got a gnarly flu at the same time. I just want to crawl in a hole and be away from everyone. And I don’t know what to do to keep Annso in good shape.
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“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (Psalm 77:11-12)