Last night was lively. Although Nate had his usual medications for pain, nausea and anxiety throughout the day, by evening he was agitated and restless rather than his usual mellow. For a man with stage 4 cancer, he had way too much energy. As bedtime drew closer, I wondered if he would go to sleep. It reminded me of the feeling I got with a newborn, wondering when I put him/her to bed if we’d have an active night or a restful one. New babies are unpredictable. A man with pancreatic cancer is the same.
The rest of the household drifted off to their various beds and their expected sleep. Once Nate was settled, I sat beside him in the dim light of his room and wrote the blog, wondering why he didn’t “clunk” right off to sleep as he so often does. I went to bed at about 1:00 AM, hoping to sleep right through.
By 1:45, I was awakened by Nate checking to see if I was sleeping. I remember the same experience with one of my pre-schoolers tapping me on the shoulder during the night and saying, “Mom, I’m not going to wake you up, but I just have one question…” That, of course, was after he’d woken me up.
I took Nate’s hand and led him back to his hospital bed. He wasn’t tired and wanted my attention. “I’d like a drink of water.” After that, he said, “I’d like a drink of milk.” He seemed to be in toddler mode trying to postpone bed time.
I opened the shade in his room and showed him the night sky. “See?” I said. “It’s night time. Everyone is in bed. You have to sleep, too.” He nodded and obediently got back into bed.
Around 3:00 AM I heard kitchen cabinet doors and water running. Shuffling toward the commotion, I found Nate in the middle of making coffee. “I’m feeling like a cup of coffee,” he said, as if it was the middle of the afternoon. “Want one?”
Taking the decanter out of his hand and pouring the water out, I shut off the lights and said, “Look at the clock. It’s still night time, and we’re both tired.”
Once again he nodded and without resistance took my hand to head back to the bedroom. I wondered how many more episodes we’d have before dawn. This kind of a night goes on forever.
In an hour I heard him again, rummaging through the bathroom cabinet. “I can’t find my comb,” he said, as if he was getting ready for work. “I have so many but can’t find even one.”
Around 5:30, I heard him vomiting in the bathroom and found him struggling to stay standing while hanging onto the towel shelf above the toilet. It was long-distance vomiting, but of course he couldn’t get down on his knees. Soon it was morning, and I got up, walking to Nate’s room to check on him, fully expecting to find his bed empty, but there he was, sleeping soundly with his mouth open and his hands clasped across his chest. Just like a baby who’d been up all night, he needed rest.
Finally, at 2:00 PM, I wondered if he was in a coma or some other distress that was keeping him unconscious. It was difficult to wake him, but he finally roused and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked out the open window shade and said, “Oh. Morning. I can get up.”
“You’re partly right,” I corrected. “You can get up, but its not morning. It’s afternoon.”
Today he slept most of the day in his chair, waving away our attempts to bring him food. The mug of coffee he requested had been reheated four times but was still unsipped at the end of the day, and when he finally crawled into bed, he was completely worn out from doing nothing.
As I tucked him in, I quoted some Scripture, but he was too tired to participate. I sang two hymns, but his eyes were closed, and at the end, barely moving his lips, he whispered, “I’m so tired.”
“Though He cause grief, yet will He have compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:32, 22-23)
Thank you for sharing! I actually laughed for the first time imagining the night circus going on. You are amazing!
Margaret ~ God is giving you amazing wisdom, courage and grace.
“He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater, He sendeth more strength as our labors increase; To added afflictions He addeth His mercy, To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.”
Praying for you, Nate and your family.
Here’s hoping you had a better night, and that you got some rest during the day. God does give rest for the weary. Love you both very much
If only the enemy would stand still! But each day there’s a new assault, a new tear in our defenses, leaking out strength and will, while you are fighting for normalcy as long as possible. The mind flits from image to image of what is coming. Other’s experiences, medical words and warnings are God’s mercies, but they are draining, too. Night should be for sleeping. Activity is for the day. Except in the very young, the very old, and the very ill. My grandmother found 2 am the perfect time to re-organize her closets! My dad now finds his mind and words most coherent between 1-4 am. Great…except for the one whose day still begins at 6.
How to prepare? Where the medical manual check list for easing a loved one from this world to the next? It’s not like WE know!
I’m writing this with a hotel pen which says, “See the world. Stay with us.” Seems a contradiction, since the world is a large place, and a hotel is not. But when Jesus speaks, there is no contradiction. “In my Father’s house, there are many mansions. I go to prepare a Place for you.” What I often forget, is that He also stayed, to prepare me for the place. Thank God for each morning’s new mercies….a cup of coffee, a warm hug, a baby’s drooling prattle, Scriptures that swell with meaning, then fit snugly into the day’s arsenal of resources…Another day. Another boat load of God’s tender compassions.
Margaret
I think of you and Nate constantly. Your strength and courage are truly God given.
Your strength gives everyone who knows you the courage to get through their troubles.
Dear Margaret,
You bless us beyond words as you share this journey with us. I think of you each day and night because the clock you adorned is the only sound we hear when we drift off and when we awake. And we pray.
Margaret, my heart goes out to you each day that goes by….God’s grace is never ending..that’s the best consolation I can give you. Nate has come full circle in this life….and I do pray, for YOUR sake, the Lord be merciful in his length of days. I pray for you daily; I am blessed by what you share…may God’s supernatural strength and wisdom be magnified in you as the journey goes…and patience be a virtue.
In Christ always..love you, Patzian
Dear Margaret,
You and Nate have been close to our hearts since hearing the stunning news about Nate’s illness Sunday at Moody. It is so hard to know what to say. Words seem so inadequate. The memories of all of us starting out together in Partners come rushing back to me… all the days that we thought would continue on as they were. Yet life continues on. Thank you for this very personal and courageous account of your journey as a family. We wake in the middle of the night and pray for you. We cannot possibly understand because we have not walked in your shoes but we know The One who has. John 16:22
Bless your heart…and Nate’s too! It’s sort of a comical relief from this nightmare. I had a good laugh. He probably had no idea why he couldn’t sleep or at least couldn’t voice it. There is so much going on inside his body–bad changes that are altering the normal function of cells, organs, hormones, chemicals. There will be many changes as cancer has its way. Expect the unexpected. The hospice staff will be helpful in preparing you for these changes. “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” I pray that God will comfort and sustain you in amazing ways as you walk through this valley. xo
Dear Margaret,
I am Cathleen Wall’s oldest daughter Karen. I know you knew me as a child and I have always heard of you through the years through my mom and Jan and Gloria. I have enjoyed seeing your family christmas picture every year. What a beautiful family you have been blessed with. Since my mom told me about Nate I have been reading your blog every day. I just want you to know that my 6 children and my husband and I have been praying for you and Nate and your family daily. Thank you for the way you are honestly sharing your heart. I am so blessed by reading all the scriptures you share. I especially love your scripture rocks from Mary. It has been a blessing for me to see how God has made a way for your whole family to be together and how everyone is pitching in helping and blessing each other in such a hard time. I cry almost everytime I read your blog, but it also blesses me in seeing yet another story of the Lord faithfully providing for you everystep of the way. Our love and prayers are with you… and may the Lord give you a peace that passes all understanding.
In Christ
Karen Hough
Reading your blog is now a part of my daily routine. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your family as you walk through such an unexpected crisis. I absolutely love each Scripture that you are sharing – somehow the perfect word for the moment. Your faith is encouraging so many people right now. You are being thought of and prayed for by friends and strangers alike. I have told several of my friends about your blog and they have also been moved to tears by the mixture of sorrow and hope that your words convey. We are all in prayer on your behalf.
Lynn
Your words today reminded me of this old chours we used to sing, written by Edith McNeil.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning-
New every morning.
Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord.
Great is Thy faithfulness.
Hi Margaret. How in the world are you finding time to write every day? You are so expressive and seem to capture each moment to explicitly, it’s like I’m right there with you and Nate….like the times he is steepling with his fingers. He does that a lot, huh? Steepling means he’s a deep thinker, and it’s a sign that he’s in charge and commands the Floor. Thank you for the beautiful card you wrote to my Mom – June James – she loved it.
And I love you and Nate too…I pray for you both each day. And I especially love reading your blog and seeing the inside world of pancreatic cancer.
Much Love…Nancy Kaye in Tennessee
He was just a week away from death. It’s so awful to remember what those last days and nights were like, especially for you. I’ll never forget how you stayed by his side, and how Mary stayed with you. Love you both. See you soon.