Left brain, right brain, I never remember which side does what. One thing I do know, however, is that I’m not a numbers person. I’d rather write a 50 page paper than add a long column of figures, even if I had a calculator. That’s why keeping track of Nate’s pill bottles and medicine doses is almost more than I can handle. The 8½” X 11” grid Hospice gave me today to write everything down was intended to help but has only screamed, “You can’t!” from its place on the kitchen counter.
The Hospice doctor and the head nurse of our team spent 90 minutes with us today, examining Nate and talking over his current pains and frustrations. The doctor completed his part and was getting ready to leave when I asked him if it was true that marijuana was a legal pain med in Michigan. He answered, as most doctors do, with a detailed explanation. “There are three parts to the answer. The first is the law, and yes, it has become legal to use marijuana in medicating pain in Michigan. The second part is the training of doctors in the proper use of it, and that has widely occurred, too. The third part is the stickler. Who will be the provider?” Good question. Good answer.
The nurse volunteered to stay an extra half hour to tutor me on the meds. My slow responses to her drug-instructions must have triggered anxiety in her as she feared for her patient. She and I lined up all the containers, which included meds we used to use, meds we are currently using and meds we will use in the future. The minute she began referring to the drugs by their real names, I got lost.
Excusing myself to get a thin-tipped indelible marker I said, “You can tell me what and when, and I’ll translate it for myself on the label.”
She chuckled like I was kidding but bravely started in: “Ondansetron is for nausea,” she said, “and he can have up to three pills, 8 hours apart, over 24 hours.” I wrote on the container, “Nausea, 1 at a time, up to 3.”
She continued: “ABHR is a gel you rub on his wrists if the ondansetron isn’t working, and he can have it twice in 24 hours.” So I wrote “Break-through nausea, wrist, twice.”
We handled each vial, packet and tube, she reading the technicalities on the labels and me making them idiot-proof with my marker. I felt much better when we were done, especially after we’d labeled the four different kinds of morphine with their differences, none of which we are yet using. Just reading the word “morphine” on so many pill bottles made me shaky over the great unknown of Nate’s and my medical future together. Nevertheless, we completed our task.
My little pharmacy looks a lot like the leftovers shelf in our refrigerator because I have the meds grouped in Zip Loc Bags, but if there is any hope to keep it all straight, baggies are the answer. In addition to pills for pain, anxiety, sleeping, mood, constipation and swelling, we have a gel for bone pain and another for dry mouth. There are also special mouth washes, lip balms, skin creams and (gulp) suppositories.
As the nurse was leaving, she filled my cupped hands with a pile of bright green, rubber gloves. “You’ll need to wear these when you administer the gels,” she said, “or you’ll be medicating yourself when you apply them on Nate.” Some of those medications were starting to sound pretty good to me. She must have sensed that, because as she left, she gave me a strong hug, and it worked even better than the gels might have.
Tonight my sister Mary, a nurse, came over and pulled me out of my medical quicksand. Sitting on a kitchen stool, she recorded each drug name and its prescribed dose on the paper grid, using nurse-lingo like “M” for midnight and “N” for noon. Just watching her pen fly over the little squares was comforting. She completed the job accurately and thoroughly, relishing the whole process.
God’s tender loving care is in the details. Through the medical perplexities of this day, he made sure all my questions were answered, and he put my mind at ease (both brain sides). He also showed me (again) that if I have to walk through a maze, he’ll keep me from making any wrong turns. Whatever the needs, he’s always got them covered.
“God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others.” (2 Corinthians 9:8, NLT)
Hi Margaret,
Carolyn and I (of Moody Church) are praying daily for you and Nate. We are asking the Lord to give you the daily strength you need.
Wes
Praise the Lord for having a sister as a nurse who can help you through all the maze of medicines.
Hi Margaret,
All the drugs and treatments can be confusing. It is great that you have Hospice to help and Mary and all your other family members around you. Your comments have been such an inspiration to me and I am sure others as well. You surely have God helping you as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, I have my Birthday Club and many others praying for you too. As you know I am a nurse working on an Oncology Unit so feel free to call on me if you have any questions or need anything.
Elaine
I got all teary when you said she had the compassion to give you a much-needed hug. Those moments of kindness and love can be so timely, and sometimes more needed than all the words of wisdom we could muster. Praying for you all daily, as always.
My dear Margaret. Your experiences with pills are certainly on the ‘God’s surprises’ in our lives. I understand. I came to thank God for morphine and so did Bob. In his desire to not miss a grandsons basketball game 400# wheel chair and all, we packed the morphine in the Chicago Bulls bag hanging on the handles. With all the crazy noise of children squealing, refs whistles, parents yelling and balls bouncing, I wanted to gobble it all myself. Still, those are precious memories. Thank God for morphine. Love, Miriam
I got a chuckle as I pictured you with all those bottles and baggies. Even as a nurse, keeping all those meds straight is challenging with their brand names, generic names, doses and when to give each one. Mary is a wonderful blessing and her help invaluable. Though there are so many new things to learn with each new phase of this cancer journey you are bravely dealing with each one. I pray that God’s grace and strength will enable you to face the challenges along the way–laugh, cry, sing, pray, hope. You are an amazing woman, Margaret, and we’re all cheering you on. Sending you a hug and lots of love and many prayers. ~.~
I love your humility and humor, that can wade thru that maze of meds and conclude that a magic marker makes them now “idiot-proof!” In your sleep-deprived state, this scenario would seem like a cruel joke if we didn’t know the God of all grace, who is able to make that grace ABOUND to you, on both sides of your brain. It also occurred to me, reading this morning about Peter’s death which Jesus said would glorify Him, that Nate isn’t the only one dying. You are taking up your cross for each day, and dying to what is comfortable, and normal. Your willingness to accept each new, difficult thing for Nate’s sake is spreading that fragrant aroma of Christ near and far….I’m sure, begging the question Paul asked…”And who is adequate for these things?” Your adequacy is so obviously in Him, who also cherished Mary’s fragrant pre-burial anointing of His body. Bless you, Margaret, for your loving, physical ministry to Nate’s body. The remembrance of these things will give you unimaginable comfort in the days ahead.
Today in our Bible study, we talked about the parable of the man who built his house on a rock vs. the one who built his house on sand. My group knows about you guys and has been praying. You were the perfect example of building your house on the rock. When the storm (cancer) came you stood strong. You have a good foundation built on obedience to God. You are an inspiration to me and to several in my group that are going through their own storms. Thanks again for opening up your story to all of us. Your transparency is so beautiful! Love you and miss you.
Margaret:
I worked with Nate when he first joined Tom’s office. Candy forwarded me your website so I could keep up to date. Please let Nate know that I will keep him in my prayers and heart.
Kathy
I know meds are not your “friend”, but with the love that you will give them to Nate, may do more than the meds. Marni you are a shining example to those of us who come behind of what “In sickness and Health” truely means. Will be praying for you as you tackle this new task.
Our luve to you both,
connie and Duane
If you haven’t figured t out already, Hospice will become ‘family’ to you and I’m so very thankful you have them. Even after Nate goes home…they will be there for allll of you …truly wonderful orgnaization. God bless, PE
I’m so grateful this stage didn’t last long…
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