Today in our little cottage we had a wild ride. Nate’s pain has been escalating steadily over the last ten days or so, frequently requiring the break-through pain medication to override it. So the head nurse spent an hour sorting through his current meds, rearranging doses, subtracting some items and adding others. After she’d gone, Nate’s pain gradually rose to new heights as his body began the adjustment away from the pills he can no longer swallow easily and toward two pain patches.
He stuck close to me all day and wanted, at one point, to nap on a double bed on the other side of the living room from his hospital bed. It was a tender time to whisper things to each other, but suddenly he said, “Don’t lean on me. Don’t press on me. Don’t cover me. It hurts too much.”
These words were whispered in high, raspy tones, the only voice he’s got left, and I had to ask for three repetitions of some of the words to understand. Assuring him I wouldn’t touch anyplace he was hurting, I asked him to tell me where it hurt the worst. He palmed back and forth on his abdomen, the first time he hadn’t answered that question by reaching around to touch his back.
When the nurse visited before, she’d measured his mid-section, just like a pregnant woman’s belly is measured for baby growth. When I’d asked what she was doing, she said, “His abdomen is beginning to fill with fluid now, as the organs fail to function right, because of the cancer.” All I could think of was the pain that would most likely accompany the pressure of that extra fluid.
“How do we solve that problem?” I’d asked. She said the team would be sure he didn’t have to suffer but that draining the fluid, a surgical procedure, was hurtful, invasive, and something to be avoided if possible.
Today, as his body continues to shrink with his bones becoming more and more visible, his belly has grown to resemble a woman seven or eight months pregnant. It is hard to the touch, with nodules or bulges that must be tumors. As I lay next to him on the bed holding his hand but not touching anything else, he whispered, “I’m afraid. I’m afraid.”
“Of dying?” I asked.
“No. Of the pain. Afraid of the pain,” he said.
It probably hurt so much at that moment, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to endure it, if it increased.
“I feel trapped,” he said. “And I’m so sick of all this.”
I felt the same way. Nate has been hurting badly since January, without respite. That’s when his life began to be dominated by chronic pain from stenosis of the spine and related back problems . I can’t imagine how wearisome such long-term pain must be. Nate is a champion at endurance.
Today I was determined to find some relief for this new, increased pain, and phoned the nurse. Two phone calls later, we’d settled on morphine drops under the tongue and a sedative/anti-anxiety pill. Within forty five minutes Nate had drifted into a restful sleep. Watching him breathe deeply and sleep soundly was nourishment for my heart and I’m sure also for his.
He’d been agitated and awake most of the last 24 hours. Because of the pain, he’d eaten nothing. It was serious relief to know that as I watched him sleep, he was not in pain. I’d always insisted to every medical person along our journey that we wanted to keep him alert and communicating with the minimum of medicine. Today, with his overpowering pain and the fear that came with it, I pulled away from that thinking. As a matter of fact, it sounded selfish.
Nate may be sleepy from here on out. If that’s what it takes to curb the awful pain he felt this afternoon, then that’s what it will be.
“It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors, for He gives to His beloved, even in his sleep.” (Psalm 127:2)
hi Margaret
My name is Doris – your brother Tom and I r spiritual brother and sister and we use to work together. your husband Nate was my attorney – we talked alot when we got together and we would talk about his pain in his back. I am truly lost for words at this time and believe it or not I like to talk alot. however, I just want to say that you and your spouse r very two strong individuals and to have the strength you both have you got to be true Christians – only believers have the strength that you guys have. i am praying for you both. Please tell Nate I said hello. Also, I would like you to know that you are encouraging me in my walk with Christ. May God truly bless you and your family. i am learning to lean not to my own understanding and to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Love u both
Doris is right…there are no words. Maybe this is the time we act like Job’s friends…just sitting on the ground, grieving, “with you”–not speaking a word because we see that your pain is so very great.
I’m just so sorry.
With you…..
Margaret, Thank you for your blog it has kept you and Nate in our prayers daily. God has given me a verse to pray each day as I read what you are experiencing. Joshua 1:9 came to mind today–Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified (afraid); do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Margaret, By hearing Nate’s fear and seeing such pain, your decision to make him as pain free as possible was love at it’s deepest. Your strength continues to amaze me, and also give me strength. I am in constant pain daily, getting worse each day, but when I read your blogs, my pain is nothing at all compared to Nate’s. God will continue to give you wisdom and strength, for you as well as all your family. Lean on each other as much as you can. God bless, Susan
My heart aches for you and Nate as I read of the intense pain and fear he is experiencing. That kind of pain is fierce, debilitating, frightening and horrific. He’s now on the meds that will bring relief but also will keep him sedated. I know your heart is breaking to see Nate suffering this way. This is what I’m praying for you today, “Be merciful to me [Margaret & Nate], O God, be merciful to me [Margaret & Nate]! For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by. I will cry out to God Most High, to God who performs all things for me. He shall send from heaven and save me; He reproaches the one who would swallow me up. God shall send forth His mercy and His truth.” Psalm 57:1-3 Loving prayers are ascending without ceasing…xo
That C S Lewis quote seems appropriate again…”We are not necessarily doubting God will do the best for us…we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” I am praying with you. Love, Cathleen
Praying for pain relief and sleep, and sending you so much love –
Bob and Jane
My tears fall day in and out for dad Nyman though the pain in my heart could never be as much as yours for eachother. ive always watched years of hard work and pain through Nate and respected it. very painful to see how such a trooper can suffer but at the same time its been chearful and rewarding to witness that eternal life is right around the corner.
Jesus prayed for pain relief too. Jesus on the mount of olives…
And He withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening Him. And being in agony He was praying very fervently; and His sweat became as it were great drops of blood falling down upon the ground. LUKE 22: 39-44
Every day I read your blog and am continually inspired by your strength, committment, and loyalty to each other and to the Lord. As painful as it is to read of Nate’s journey and the suffering you both are enduring, your words add such a strengthening to my own faith and walk with the Lord. You both are truly an inspiration. You are both in my daily thoughts and prayers.