Our first day without Nate has been jam-packed with wake and funeral preparations, trips to the cemetery and funeral home, eulogy and obituary writing, and shopping for proper funeral clothes. All of it reminds us that Nate’s death is the only reason for today’s check list.
The low point of the day was when Van’s Medical Supply arrived to pick up the hospital bed and related equipment. As the man stepped into our front door he looked me in the eye and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
I started to tear up and said, “It seems like you just brought the bed in.”
He looked at the ground and quietly said, “It went so fast for you.”
Watching him break apart the sturdy automatic bed was a symbol of my breaking heart. I could hardly stand it and had to look away. Last night after everyone was in bed, at 4:45 am, I was longing to get my pajamas on and go to sleep but was drawn to the little room where Nate died. The hospital bed was still set up then, although the sheets had gone out the door wrapped around Nate. I climbed onto the bed with my face in his pillows and cried and cried. The plugged-in mattress gently rose and fell as it had when Nate had been lying on it, coming to life with the weight of my body. Oh how I missed Nate, even the Nate in the hospital bed.
As long as he’d been alive, even if breathing ever so slightly, I still had my husband. I was still a married woman. We were still a team, working together to keep him alive. Now he was gone, and his absence was completely final for the rest of my life. I began to understand why people can make decisions to keep their debilitated loved ones on life support, even though brain-dead. A person can still hug, kiss and hold a warm, living body. Caressing the dead is unthinkable.
Nate’s makeshift bedroom was rearranged and put back the way it had been the day the hospital bed arrived, a desk in the middle, computer on top of that, wing chair in the corner, bookshelves again visible. Last night’s atmosphere of quiet worship in that place had dissipated like so much smoke in a stack, and my insides ached to have Nate back.
Lying in bed at 5:00 am last “night” wasn’t peaceful. A thousand thoughts swirled in my brain as I replayed the important events of the 24 hours just past, savoring the memories. Today as I looked at the room where he stopped breathing, the scene reappeared in my mind. But God firmly reminded me of what had happened in the minutes after Nate died.
Our nine kids and kids-in-law had once again squeezed around the bed to say their final goodbyes. After Nate died, no one said a word. Then I began talking about what he was possibly seeing and doing at that exact time in another world, trying desperately to cut through the thick atmosphere of sorrow in the room. No one else spoke, unless choked sobs and teary sniffles qualified.
We all studied Nate’s face, so devoid of life and truly qualifying as a corpse. Our Nate was no longer in the room with us. That wasn’t him. What good would it do to stay focused on him… on that?
The kids and I began talking about the way it all happened. Before too many minutes had passed, we were numbering our blessings. On a busy day like yesterday, how likely was it that each of us would have been in the room as he died? We had wanted that. I had wanted that. And there we were.
There was the blessing of having Nate at home with us, around the clock, rather than far away in the sterile, fluorescent atmosphere of a hospital. There was the totally unexpected outpouring of love from those we know and some we’d never met, everything from checks in the mail to food in the fridge. And there was the mysterious power of prayer, prayed in great volume, bringing our family and our husband/dad into God’s throne room daily. As we named these blessings and many more, we were able to dry our tears and walk out of the room. 
One of today’s happier tasks was to gather pictures of Nate for poster boards we will display at the funeral home. In a group effort to page through 196 albums, happy memories washed over us like a fresh breeze coming into a stuffy room. Chuckles grew into laughter and then into guffaws as we recalled funny stories the photos told. We studied Nate in all the pictures and our blessings list grew longer: he took us on great vacations, wanted us to have fun, taught us to fish, rode with us on motorcycles, always included our friends. One of the boys said, “Papa was just a legend.”
“I will bless my people and their homes around my holy hill. And in the proper season I will send the showers they need. There will be showers of blessing.” (Ezekiel 34:26)
Thank you for shaing your hardest times.
I am sorry that you all will miss the next part of time on earth with Nat…
He will be missed by us all.
But then, by the grace of God.
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
II Cor. 4:16, 17 We are thankful to our Heavenly Father for your sharing of this experience in writing. We will continue to pray for your entire family.
What a glorious example you and Nate set for us.
Oh what a great man indeed! Driving to afterglow with Elvis blasting in the background….many great memories! Thankyou, again, for sharing all you are going through and processing. This has impacted my life and many in our community. Love you.
“Dear Marni, I am sorry that Nate died. I hope you’re not too sad. I love you and I will see you on Saturday. Bye.”
Love Erika
“Marni, I am sorry that Nate had to go away. I love him, he was super nice. I know he is in a better place with Jesus with no pain, no tears, no problems, and no bad stuff. I love you.”
Hannah
“I love you Marni. I’m sorry Nate died. I love you and you’re the best.”
Bubby
Mom, you are truly amazing. You were falling asleep last night during our 9pm dinner and we all encouraged you to GO TO SLEEP EARLY. Instead you stayed up late once again, pouring your heart into the blog. It’s a beautiful post and I’m glad you did, as long you’re willing to TAKE A NAP later today. 🙂 Through the past six weeks, you have been the biggest blessing to us all. We love you very much.
Marni,
Your posts over the last 6 weeks have blessed the entire “Bernie” clan in more ways than you could imagine. The Lord has used you to show us His Strength, His Mercy and His Eternal Miracle.
We all have a special place for Nate in our hearts and we will miss him dearly. We will continue to pray for you through this difficult time, but are encouraged that God keeps His promises to heal and give eternal life.
With Love and Our Deepest Sympathy,
Luke & Amanda Abernethy
I have every one of the Christmas cards, with pictures of your family that you’ve sent over the years. They always held a special place in my heart, even more so now. I found a picture of Nate which is my favorite, it shows the twinkle he always had in his eyes. I love, loved, and will always miss him.
I so out of it. The Anonymous comment about the Christmas cards is from me.
Margaret….you’ve touched the hearts of so many..by your daily blogs and allowing us to come into yours. We were there in the room with you…where the Spirit of God is..it knows no boundaries…covers a LOT of territory, hum? Get some rest..whever you BODY says “park it”, honey..do it..and use sleep aids if you need them. As I said before, “Nate has left a beautiful legacy in your children, and a lifetime of loving memories for you, and he has left the ‘house” he lived in…not the hearts. Embrace his presence when it’s there…it’s very comforting..and God’s way of letting you know..He cares and loves you and is ALWAYS there…24/7 .
Blessings abound and we all love you from Fla.
Your love for the Lord and for Nate speaks volumes. We live and die for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Margaret, you all will miss Nate SO much!! Praise God that he’s enjoying heaven now and out of pain. It still hurts here on earth though, doesn’t it? I love how God kept showing you that he was with you every step of the way though! Sending love and hugs and still praying!!
Oh, Margaret….your descriptive words and willingness to share the depths of your pain and sorrow move me to tears again. Thank you for giving this gift to all of us. As the hour of Nate’s departure from this earth arrived and he slipped away into the presence of Jesus, it was as though we there with you, observing those holy moments and the strength and sorrow of you all saying goodbye to their dearly loved husband/dad.
Surely these days are like living a dream from which you will awaken and find not to be true. I pray that you will allow your exhausted body to rest and lean upon the strength and wisdom of your amazing children. My thoughts and prayers continue to flow for you. May your happy memories and blessings help to strengthen you for the days ahead. Sending you my love, Rebecca
Margaret-
Our kids, our friends (many of whom know you) have been reading your story all along.The story – the realness and poetic beauty of even your darkest moments – has touched us all. I think about you constantly and hope you are getting some rest and taking some care of yourself. Or at least letting other people boss you around and make you go to bed, eat a meal, take a pill.I’m so glad you have your loving children and Mary so close to you. I love you-
Boapie
Hej Margret and family:
Vi tänker på Er i denna svåra tid. Skönt att hela familjen fick vara med under Nate’s sista tid.
Med varma hälsningar
Malin, Jonathan, Kristina, Håkan och Markus
Ps. I know that you probably don’t understand, but I told my mom I can’t really translate it so I will write it in Swedish and then now in English… We are thinking of you all now when Nate is gone. You we’re blessed to be all by Nate his last days..
I also want to send you a THANK YOU for sharing this hard time of your life with us. I’ve been the translator in our family and also to some relatives. I’m greatful that I got to know Nate, last couple of weeks when I’ve been reading yor blog I could of see what you describe Nate as… great dad, a person taking care of his beloved and so on. I’ve been visiting you guys a few time during the time I’ve known you and during my year up in WI you let me be like a part of your family, because my own was far away in Sweden.
I miss America and all of you… I wish it wasn’t this far away from eachother.
Dear Margaret,
How I pray that that you will know the comfort and sweet rest that the Lord is able to give you, even in the midst of your sorrow. Only He knows how acutely painful it is for you, now that Nate is no longer there for you “to have and to hold.” I am praying for you as you grieve the loss of your beloved husband, that you will sense the nearness of the Lord’s presence. (Psalm 34:18)
So, as a musician, I cannot help but think of songs at a time like this … and Margaret, I think you know this one: “But just think of stepping on shore, and finding it Heaven; of touching a hand, and finding it God’s; of breathing new air, and finding it Celestial; of waking up in Glory, and finding it Home.” The valley, the storm, the blackness of night is forever in Nate’s past – amd I am so thankful for that. As you continue here on earth, I pray that the peace of God the Father, the joy of God the Son, and the unending comfort of God the Holy Spirit, will be on you and yours until we are all together at the feet of our Savior. Much love to all of you.
Mom, You and Papa have always been the example to me for what a solid marriage should be! The way God wants us to be a team, companions, and best-friends. I never been so addicted to anything more then the love that was provided in your house that God helped you and Nate build. I cant express enough how awesome life has been with the Nyman family in it. Ive always been one of the family. Dad will be always loved and never forgotten in heart forever and ever! A true legend! Just like the King.TCB! love you all Casey
We are truly privileged to know you guys and witness a love so strong. What an inspiration to all of us! We want to send a big warm hug to the entire family in this hard time. We love you. Thank you Margaret for getting us all through this with your blog.
Karin, Peter,Julia & Adam Strindö
No more can be said that hasn’t already been expressed. Our hearts break for your family and we pray constantly.