Mom was right.

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Years ago, when Nate and I were in our twenties, we were invited to a slew of weddings back-to-back. For a couple of months straight we were attending a wedding every weekend. I complained to Mom at the time saying, “I’m constantly shopping for wedding gifts, and it’s expensive. Besides, we’re so busy, we’re neglecting our weekend work around the house.”

Mom answered in a strange way. “Weddings are happy. Just wait til your calendar is full of funerals.”

Tomorrow we attend the wake planned in Nate’s honor. The next day is his funeral, and we haven’t been to a wedding in quite a while. Mom was right. These occasions aren’t  happy.

The girls and I shopped for clothes today, having nothing appropriate for the wake and funeral of our husband/father. Shopping for clothes is usually fun, but this time the fun had been sucked out of it like air from a balloon. The guidelines for what to buy were based on the sad realities of a family in mourning. We tried on dark colors, mostly black, and fought sadness even in the dressing rooms. None of us are “happy” with our purchases.

funeral dress small

Each of us has been peppered by thoughts of Nate being in the next room or on his way home. Even as I tried on my black suit I thought, “Nate will like this when he sees it.” That’s probably the hardest part of beginning the mourning process. The reality of his absence takes time to sink in. One minute we know it, and the next we’ve forgotten. Each disappointing “oh… that’s right… he’s gone” is a sledge hammer to the heart.

Facing the wake and funeral is both a fear and a fascination. I’m fearful of the emotional assault on our children and on myself. Will it feel like we’re being kicked when we’re already down?

Yet I’m fascinated as I wonder who will come. The funeral home wanted to know what size room we’d need. Bob said, “We have a small room that will seat 30, a larger one for 60 and the largest  for 130. Unlike planning a wedding at which the guests are specifically invited and the RSVPs carefully counted, a funeral is a wild card. A small obituary goes into the newspaper, and you hope people see it. Beyond that, you can’t plan.

“The younger the deceased, the stronger the draw,” they say. Is 64 young? As Nate and I approached the social security check-drawing age of 65, we felt pretty old. As he anticipated death, our tune changed and 64 was young. We have no idea how many or who will come.

Attending a wake or a funeral is not pleasant. It’s difficult to know what to say or how to act. Those who do come will be, I’m certain, our true friends. In this one way, funerals and weddings are alike. I’m looking forward to putting my arms around people I love but have not seen in many months or maybe even years. We will be coming together because Nate died, which is a horrible reason to gather. But we will also find gentle enjoyment in seeing each other, longing for more than lightning fast conversations in a receiving line.

If only Nate could be there, too…..

“We are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” (2 Corinthians 5:6-8)

14 thoughts on “Mom was right.”

  3. Margaret –
    I wish we could be there. But we are holding you all in our hearts and prayers.

  5. What a coincidence that I will be celebrating our son, Charles wedding tonight and tomorrow. And I’d love to be in your line and give you that brief hug and promise to talk more later. And we will have those long conversations I’m sure! Bob was able to bless Charles and Amy, a memory that I treasure. Yet his absence…well, no words can describe how I’ll miss him there. As you said about Nate…’if only.’ I know your memorial will be quite special and I can pray for you. We can thank God for where they are. Only rejoicing, no tears, no sadness, illness, funerals. All grand music and beauty and joy. Love to you and praying on. Miriam

  8. Margaret, I remember your mother’s funeral which totally contradicts the “Younger the deceased, the stronger the draw” rule! Your mom’s life influenced many people. I had never met her but I was still touched by the stories of her life. Nate also, touched many people’s lives, even though he did not live as long as your mother. I’m sure you will hear many stories about Nate that you have never heard before — especially since “he could make friends with a rock” as the girls said. Love you all!!

  9. We wish we could be there, too.

    A friendly reminder that God is the God of the living, not the dead (Matt. 22:32). Yes, there has been a change of dear Nate’s “state of being”, but not of his status. We the “living” may be “absent from the Lord” in the flesh but we, along with that great cloud of witnesses to God’s faithfulness to His promises, are always in the presence of Him who loved us before the foundation of the world, and purchased us with The Son’s blood “as of a lamb without blemish or spot”, and who engraved our names, not only in The Lamb’s Book of Life, but also in His hands, and placed them, jewel-like, over His heart.

    May you all know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the abiding presence of The Good Shepherd as you walk with Him -as you are carried on His wings- through these days and weeks and months until His (and his) blessed face we see.

    Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus!

    Jim and Martye Lowery

  10. I will be at the Wake & Funeral. My husband Bob will be there as well. He’s only seen Nate once in awhile, but he like everyone thought he was a wonderful man. A sad occasion brings out the best in everyone. Everyone who loved Nate will be there.

  11. We will be there for you and your family. You are special and we want to celebrate Nate’s life. We are really going to miss him and feel bad that we did not get to say our goodbye to him and tell him. He will now be with us in spirit. Thank you for continuing with “Counting Blessings and Mom was Right” your words are so special and God gives you strength to keep going.
    We are praying for you and the family and may the Lord Bless and Keep and his light shine upon all of you. Love and Blessings and Hugs,
    Debbie, Mike, Tom and Lisa

  12. When your Mom said that, you were probably both thinking of “other people’s” funerals…not your own husband’s. So the stab is even stronger. Just so you know…even though we have never met, my beloved husband was insisting that I attend this funeral! He wanted so much for you and your kids to know how much you have come to mean to your “getting thru this” family. But you need to be with people you do know. So I will stay in California and pray, and grieve, and hope someday God in His grace allows us to meet. If not here, then where Nate is getting dressed for a wedding!

  13. Margaret, we are so sorry to not be there. We send our love and prayers for you and your beautiful family will continue.

  14. I’ll be there in spirit. I’ve thought about you all day….glad terry and JOhn were able to get up there….celebrate Nate’s ‘homegoing’..it’s okay…he’ll love seeing everyone there…because of him!!