Many times each day I walk past the little room where Nate’s hospital bed used to be, the place where he lay hovering between life and death for three straight days. It was in this small space he defied all odds by hanging onto life well after the nurses said he couldn’t possibly do so. Despite the exhaustion and stress of those days, sometimes I wish we could still be watching and waiting. If we were, Nate would still be with us.
I’ve never asked God why he let Nate die, because God doesn’t usually answer our why questions anyway. Even Jesus, hanging on the cross in agony and asking why, didn’t get his answer. When calamity comes to us, God has either caused it or allowed it. He is very much a part of the negatives. He has important reasons why he does it in each case but apparently doesn’t feel we need to know them.
Last Friday morning, as our family faced the wake, funeral and burial of our husband/father, Nelson and I sat at the dining table early in the morning. Although there was much to do, we decided to take a few minutes to think, talk and pray. When I entered the room, Nelson had been reading the biblical story of Jesus calling to the disciples from the beach. The men had been out in a boat all night fishing without any success and were about 100 yards off shore, most likely giving up and coming in.
Jesus yelled for them to throw their net out one more time in an attempt to catch something. Without questioning him, they did it and caught “153 large fish.” (John 21) As they dragged the massive catch behind the boat toward shore, they saw Jesus standing next to a fire and smelled the fish he was already cooking for them. What a breakfast of blessing this must have been for these hard-working men, both in respect to the giant catch of fish and the incredible joy of dining with Jesus.
Nelson said, “They’d already fished all night, and the fish weren’t biting. Jesus asked them to do something that didn’t make sense at the time. What difference would it make to throw the net again after a night of failure? But they did it anyway.”
From the story, we know their obedience paid off handsomely. Nelson and I talked about how life is going to be different now that Nate is gone. By allowing Nate’s death, God has already asked us to do a new thing. In many ways it doesn’t make sense to us, but there the Lord stands, asking us to think and act differently from this point on. When Jesus called out his fishing idea to the disciples, they didn’t shout back across the water, “Why should we do that ?” They just threw their net over the side against all human logic. We aren’t going to ask why about Nate, either.
Nelson and I decided that morning we want to follow God and do what he’s asking us, which is to live life in a new way. Although it seems there can’t possibly be any blessing in going forward without Nate, we chose that morning to believe God will surprise us (just as he surprised the fishermen) and make it happen.
“Then [Jesus] said, ‘Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get some [fish]!’ So they did, and they couldn’t haul in the net because there were so many fish in it.” (John 21:6)
Margaret, I’m definitely praying for you as you figure out this new phase of your life. Also, as I know your “kids” will be returning to their respective homes soon, I’ll pray for your adjustment to not having them around. I know it’s been such a blessing to have them all together so much and it will be awfully quiet without them and without Nate. You are in my thoughts and prayers often throughout the day! I love you! Sending “air hugs” again!!
Margaret, You are in a new phase of life. We look back and say Thank you to God for all the lessons learned, the joys experienced and even the heartbreak we have or are enduring. Jer. 29:11 has carried me through many days of wondering and in the end surrendering in confidence to our dear Lord’s plans for us.
Jer.29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I am praying today for you and your household that each of carry on, not forgetting but taking hold what God has given you and continue the journey set before you. He knows the plans He has for you, they are good.
Being thankful for all things, even during the bad times, has been one of the hardest things for me to do in my walk, yet that is exactly what God tells us to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. What an amazing example you and Nel are setting for us. Being able to see through your grief that God is good and orders everything for our lives shows that you are seeing the larger truth. Thank you for modeling this for us. I am excited, as you are, to see the blessings that God has in store for you. Love you all and miss you so much.
“Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand.
But I know who holds the future,
and I know who holds my hand”
Your words today reminded me of this old song.
We are praying for the Lord to show each one of you the balance between courageously facing the following days with a new sense of purpose in life and allowing yourself to grieve the moments you miss Nate. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.”
I am so thankful for God’s hand holding mine – and yours. And, knowing that the hand that holds us is attached to the loving, giving, caring Father. A friend who also suffered through pancreatic cancer, chose as “her hymn” -We rest on Thee — our shield and our defender!
We go not forth alone against the foe.
Strong in Thy might, safe in They keeping tender,
We rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go.
Yea in Thy name O captain of salvation!
In Thy dear name all other names above:
Jesus our righteousness, our sure foundation,
Our prince of glory and our king of love.
We go in faith, our own great weakness feeling
and needing more each day Thy grace to know.
Yet from our hearts a song of triumph pealing:
“We rest on Thee and in Thy name we go.”
We rest on Thee — our shield and our defender!
Thine is the battle, Thine shall be the praise.
When passing through the gates of pearly splendor,
Victors — we rest with Thee through endless days.
The night will pass, and joy WILL come in the morning. Blessings and love to all of you.
It’s true…there is always a “throwing out” before there’s a hauling in. When Jesus says it, there’s a promise attached and for the disciples, it was the very thing they had been wanting but couldn’t get. Is it possible the same could be true for us? That He is standing, calling to us so He can give us more than we would even ask? In the days of sorrow and grief, we want our loved one back. Period. No quibbling or second guessing that one! So since that is not going to happen (Rapture notwithstanding!) what is He after? Your deliberate choice to “live life in a new way” is encouraging to me… to “throw out” my same old net….and watch expectantly to see what the great Shepherd of our souls will let me haul in. Thank you.