During every hour of this day my mind has jumped back 12 months to September 22, 2009. I remember driving the 80 miles from Michigan to downtown Chicago, picking up Nate at the curb in front of his office at Wabash and Monroe, and heading across town to Rush University Medical Center. We were scheduled to meet with a team of doctors who had studied our “case” and reached a conclusion as to what was wrong with Nate. Today I’ve been mentally back at that meeting receiving their report: Nate had terminal cancer.
We both knew he had a mysterious mass on his liver. We also knew he was scheduled for back surgery but had “failed” the pre-op physical. And we both hoped the team of doctors was going to give us good news, something like, “Nate’s mass is benign. We’ll remove it during spinal surgery, and he’ll be as good as new.” A year later, I see how these thoughts were tantamount to wishing on a star.
Just a week ago, all of us except Nate were gathered in northern Wisconsin, enjoying being at the same place at the same time. We shared laughter, conversation, prayer, fun, work and each other. Today, blending the warmth of those days with our cold day of discovery a year ago, I wonder how we got here, why we’re still standing. I feel like the answer might be found in looking back.
Last fall, we watched our husband/father receive his diagnosis, absorb the shock, do his best to put his life in order, decline physically and finally die, all in six weeks. Many of the details are a blur. Something deep within me wants to climb back into that painful time, to inspect everything under a magnifying glass and see what we experienced.
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to do that. Some of our children want to avoid remembering. Others want to remember it all. Returning to the scene of our family trauma is, for me, a way to honor Nate’s memory. But each of us will have to cope in the way that seems best.
When I think of Nate being selected to go through intense pain and die at age 64, leaving all of us “too soon,” his own words ring in my ears. “I shouldn’t ask, ‘Why me?’ Instead, ‘Why not me?”
There was wisdom in those words. More than that, though, there was permission for the rest of us to accept his diagnosis because he had. As I travel back during these next weeks and read my own blog-report of each day, I’ll be asking the Lord, “What should I be thinking?”
Nate was thinking as God wanted him to a year ago, refusing to fight his “fate” or rebel against his approaching death. For all of us, he was a sterling example of grace under pressure.
…God’s grace…
which is also the reason we’re still standing.
“To all… who are loved by God and called to be saints: Grace and peace to you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 1:7)
“Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which has loved us, and has given us everlasting consolation and good hope through GRACE, comfort your hearts, and establish you in every good word and work.” 2 T16,17hess. 2:
“he giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength” Is:40;29
Happy or hurtful, I believe memories acknowledged – are healing for the soul.
You’re all – still in our prayers.
Love you…God bless.
Thankful for God’s Word because one can’t give words that uplift and communicate the power, love and strength that His Word dones. So thank you Patzian and we who love you pray for God’s grace day by day and at times moment by moment.
We’ve been praying for you and your children for every “first time” you go through something without Nate. Sometimes, stepping back into the past can be healing, as long as it is the Holy Spirit guiding you with His Truth. The healing time can be scary and painful for it may mean reliving the emotions which we kept buried so no one could see what we were really struggling with. Allow yourself to express those emotions out loud to your heavenly Father (who already knows what dwells within your heart and mind). May the Lord cradle you and your children in His comforting arms, as you all reflect the past year.
Margaret,
You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers, especially as you recount the events of a year ago. May God hold you up and sustain you as you pass through these painful and precious memories. He has you in His everlasting arms of love.
Hello Margaret,
My best friend is Ellen Joyce Wall Connolly. She told me about your story and your blog. I began reading the archives from the beginning about a month ago, and have just finished today. I am praying for you today! I am married to David Beardsley, George and Lona Beardsley’s youngest son. I count your cousin, Jan Johnson, as a friend, as well as Ron and Gloria. What is most important, though, is not who I am, but what you have provided in your blog. The connections between the daily events and His presence have gripped me each time I read. His word is living!! You have been faithful to write, and it has affected me deeply! Thank you for persevering and sharing. I feel like I know you! I will be praying for you each day, especially through this tough period of time.
In Him,
Laurin
Thinking and praying for you during these difficult days.
Margaret,
I read your blog just now recalling getting that first email with the news you both had just received and remember
vividly the sadness I felt for Nate, for you, for each of your precious family members. You have done an amazing job of honoring Nate and his memory both in his final weeks of life and in the months since his homegoing. I know you give God all the glory and all the credit for being able to do this but I thank you for faithfully telling the Nyman story over the past year. You have blessed me and so many others through your blog – its hard to put into words. I have laughed,cried and been moved in my spirit over and over as I have followed your writing. Thank you for sharing yourself, your pain, your joys, heartaches, struggles, memories, and wonderful nuggets of truth from God’s Word as well as your life experiences with all of us. I miss you being part of the Orchard family and would love to see you sometime when you are in town.
With Love and prayers as you reflect on this time last year and all that has happened in that time,
Cheryl
I remembered the significance of the date yesterday and thought about you all day. You have been through so much and are still the lovely, radiant, articulate Margaret you always were. Please know that our love and prayers are with you.
Love, Boapie