It’s been seven days since Nate died. All day I’ve been mentally replaying the hours of that significant day, dwelling on them, savoring them (although that sounds strange) and sharing them somehow with Nate. Those sharing times are all but over, though, and the distance between us will feel greater and greater as the days pass.
My heart craves quietness. As is true of anyone who’s lost someone precious, I want to spend time thinking about Nate. Talking about him is satisfying, too, but that isn’t always possible. It seems important to go over the last weeks in mental detail. I don’t know if I’m looking for negatives or positives, but I want to look back for a while. People tell me I should have a future focus, and I’m sure I will eventually, but right now I’m all about remembering.
Today I went on my first outing alone in weeks. It was strange to be running errands by myself, and it occurred to me I didn’t have to watch the clock, since Nate wouldn’t be waiting for me at home, a bittersweet discovery. As I mingled with busy crowds of strangers, it made me lonely to realize not one of them knew about my husband’s death. I wondered if anyone would look at my worn out face with the smudged mascara and care that I was sad.
On the drive home at 5:30, which I decided to take at a speed below the limit, the overcast sky had one thin band of blue just above the horizon. Although we hadn’t seen the sun all day, as I headed south, suddenly it broke through with brilliance, turning the clouds to gold. During those fifteen miles the sky became iridescent with color, and I absolutely had to find a place to get a better view.
Pulling off at an exit with a “State Park” sign, I ended up in a deserted beachfront parking lot facing the lake and the sunset. “Great is Thy Faithfulness” came on the radio, and it seemed natural to talk out loud to God.
“What do you want me to be thinking about right now?” I asked him.
“The heavens declare the glory of God,” he answered with a quote from Scripture, “and the firmament shows his handiwork.” (Psalm 19:1)
“Yes,” I responded. “You do spectacular work. The sky is magnificent. You are magnificent. I love you.”
It seemed the most natural thing in the world to talk to the Lord right there in my minivan. Yet it was a conversation with someone I couldn’t see, touch or hear audibly. Was I crazy?
I’ve been sure of God’s closeness as we’ve walked through the last seven weeks of disease and death. He’s shown himself in the details all along the way, not literally like a hiding person might peek around the corner but like the wind might move something, proving its reality. And if he is really near, why not talk to him?
I am a widow. Even though my week-long status is settling over me with a mixture of sorrow and heartache, that’s what I am. But it’s not all bad. The Bible is full of passages making mention of women in this category. God promises special protection for us and deals harshly with anyone who harms us. We’re to be relieved of burdens too heavy to carry, and we’re to look to others to plead our case as needed.
Looking at these verses stunned me. I knew widows were close to God’s heart, but I never “owned” the Scriptures like I do now. My favorite passage (below) makes me realize it was perfectly fine to talk out loud to the Lord in my car this afternoon. He says he is stepping into Nate’s position in my life, and I completely believe him.
“Your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name, and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.” (Isaiah 54:5)
Margaret, it seems like you are now following in my footsteps, as I follow other widows, who precede me. Tonight’s post is what I’ve been going through, since Jim’s death, two months ago. I find myself “owning” more Scripture verses, everyday! Not having to “report in” or “be home for supper” is still an uneasy and new feeling. I miss Jim more everyday, and would love to discuss things with him. Thanks for your meaningful posts. Love ya, lots!
Last Sunday we prayed in church for the “widows” and it was strange to say your name. But I saw Nate in his casket on Saturday and there was no question…Nate was not in that body! He is with the Lord. You are special in God’s heart and He will hold you gently. Rest in Him. You are as much in my prayers as ever and I won’t stop now! With love…
Hello = My husband will be gone 10 years in Dec. He was in hosp & rehab from Oct to Dec. altho he had failing health for several years so it wasnt a total shock that he didnt make it.
Anyway = after he died, the first time I went grocery shopping for ONE instead of TWO or SIX as I had done when we had our family at home = it came to me = I am all alone now = and I cried all the way out of Dominicks to my car. I didnt ever think it would hit me right then but it did \ realization came right then and there/ I am now alone.! No hope of his coming home again!!
I have adjusted over time and do still love to cook, even for one, and eat plenty of leftovers or freeze them or share them / but just wanted to let you know my thoughts on the sad subject of realizing you are now alone and a widow.
God provides and it does get easier but you think of him every single day and cherish the love you had and no one can take that away from you.
We were married many years and have 4 children and 11 grandchildren, the last gson was born after he died….oh how he would have loved to see the son of his son born.
God bless you on your new journey. You will do well = I know you will. Hugs from Joanne.
Wow, Margaret, you still are able to uncover more and more of God’s greatness and tender love and reveal them to us. Thank you! The world and the enemy have no answer for this!
We love you and are praying for your hope and future…
“Be still and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10
You don’t have to look to the future, for the Lord gives us what we need for each day, for today. He is revealing His precense to you in a more tangible way so that you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are never alone. This is a time for you to allow yourself to remember, to feel, to grieve, to wonder, to just “be” and not “do” or think about anything. Let your mind be quiet without details to distract and just soak in the awesome companionship of your heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around you and soothing you with whispers of His love towards you.
Bob and Linda Miller have shared your story with us, and directed me to your blog. Your writing is powerful, and your family’s testimony is one of grace and trust and hope in God. This was my devotion time this morning, and I am centered. Thank you. You will be in our prayers, and your perspective on widows and life is truly “blessed assurance.” Peace to you.
Oh, yes, my dear fellow widow, we are on a new journey. Can’t wait to walk the beach with you and revel in God’s goodness. God is Grand.
In a Griefshare meeting at church , the video discribed about what people (who have not lost a close loved one) think the “normal” grieving time is : the average was 3 weeks ! The whole room gasped. Boy, we all said , they have no idea. The reason to go thru last week mentally is that it all goes so fast! Grieving is so part of “the process” You can worship and grieve at the same time , this blog so eliquently shows this. God Bless you Margaret , you are in my daily prayers
Dear fellow widow, thank you so much for being an eloquent voice for those of us who do not know how to express what we are feeling and experiencing. Love, hugs and prayers.
Thank you Margaret for blessing me with your love for our Lord and your tender words. You are an inspiration to many.