It was either my pinched face or the audible sob that woke me from my dream about Nate. It had been so real I’d had trouble moving away from his dream-hug to the reality of being alone on a single mattress in Hans and Katy’s living room.
If we wake from a heart-pounding nightmare, comfort comes in thinking, “Whew! It was only a dream!”
This time, though, despite the mystery of Nate’s neutral response to me, I wanted to stay in it. Everything about my racing emotions believed I’d actually been in the same room with him.
Trying to savor the warmth of what felt like a supernatural embrace, I lay still for a long time. And because the clock read 3:21 AM, I knew I could go back to sleep and was hoping to re-enter the dream as successfully as Lucy re-entered Narnia. If I had more time, surely I could convince Nate to stay with me rather than turn and walk out that door. But of course my half-awake, half-asleep brain was tricking me.
The next thing I knew, 20 month old Nicholas was tugging on my blankets, encouraging me to get on my feet. It was morning, and Nate was gone.
All that day I thought about the dream in an effort to keep it alive. On the surface its meaning seemed obvious: (1) The crowd of people represented those who’ve gone ahead of us to be with the Lord, or in the case of Katy’s parents, those who eventually will do so; (2) My inability to secure Nate’s exclusive attention was the result of knowing marriage is non-existent in heaven. We’ll all be one big family, children of God and siblings of Jesus; (3) Nate’s serene appearance represented the perfect peace of our glorified existence.
That analysis may be accurate, but another version is that I simply miss my husband.
Widow friends tell me life will continue to be full of significant relationships and happy gatherings, but it’ll never be quite as good, because the “husband of my youth” will not be with me.
Six days later, I’m still pondering the dream, wondering if I ought to be learning something from it. I think back to the room full of people and wonder, “Was Jesus in that crowd?” If he was, I didn’t see him. As a matter of fact, my human longing for Nate was so strong, it hadn’t crossed my dreaming-mind to seek the Lord in that multitude. I was only and all about seeking Nate.
The significant meaning of the dream, I’ve come to realize, is that during times of sorrow over missing my husband, I ought to look away from him and look for Jesus instead. During these days of going back one year, I’ve been impacted by how dramatically present the Lord was throughout Nate’s six weeks of cancer and the months that followed.
So if I’ve learned anything through my dream, it’s that hanging onto a departed Nate will never be as satisfying as clinging to my still-present God.
“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done.” (Psalm 105:4-5a)
Your last paragraph, about hanging on to a departed spouse, instead of clinging to an ever present Saviour, hit the nail on the head, for me. I am putting that Scripture verse on the fridge, now. The above painting is really meaningful.
WOW, well done!
Beautiful reminder!
I have heard many jokes about how thankful some are that there is no marriage in heaven…or it wouldn’t be heaven. I have pondered the topic a lot, so forgive me for thinking out loud here…
If we are the bride of Christ then there is a kind of marriage in heaven. Believers, the church, are the bride of Christ. WE are not referred to as the “brides” of Christ, but the BRIDE of Christ. So, if you and Nate are both part of one bride, then while it is true that you are not married to each other, you are not un-related in heaven. You are part of a whole, one united bride. Doesn’t that sound pretty intimate? Who wouldn’t want to be married to Jesus? The one and only sinless person who ever walked the earth? Jesus was in Nate, Jesus is in you, and you are both part of the bride of Christ.
I have a feeling that if God chose marriage to illustrate his relationship with the church, then even though we are not married to our earthly spouse in the same way in heaven, our relationship with our loved one will be intimate and connected and finally unaffected by the sin that plagues our earthly relationships. It offers a lot of hope, whether you had a great marriage and still want to be connected, or whether your marriage (or lack of it) has left you with deep disappointments. We can’t begin to fathom how wonderful it will all be, but we know there will be no more tears.
Savor that hug, even if it was drawn from the depths of memory. It felt real and it felt good. Nothing wrong with that!
After my husband died, 38 years ago, I had recurring dreams that he was alive. I’d wake each morning with the pain of reality that he was gone. Seven months later, I dreamed that we walked hand in hand, peacefully and silently through a street, when a strange figure bade him come to him. Walter asked for a little more time, and then finally went to him. There was such comfort and serenity in the dream, and, while I wanted him to stay, there was only an afterglow when he left. I realized on waking that my dream was an indication of healing. I still relive that dream from time to time, but it was only after it that I was able to move forward with my life. Your account brings it to reality again.
Margaret, Your blog is a daily dose of inspiration of how we should look for the Lord in every situation in our life. You have a gift of eloquence and paint a picture which gives our hearts hope in the Lord. May God bless you abundantly in every area you struggle in. Much love and prayers, tlc
I believe dreams are one method God uses to convey to us things He wants us to know. It was so in scripture, countless times. So it is today. You have had a little insight from God. I have had a few dreams that I believe were directly from our Lord. The dreams haven’t faded from my memory but are there as a reminder of His everlasting love. Your last paragraph is spot on. Blessings on you Margaret for your faithfulness to Jesus.
Your dream comforts me in that you seemed to have no trouble recognizing Nate. I have always wondered how we will recognize each other without the bodies that we left in the grave. Hmmm
The comments above are all in sinc with our thinking, too. We believe we will have a special relationship with the spouse we had on earth – and if someone has more than one spouse there will not be jealousy in heaven. And for those who applaud your ‘spot on’ interpretation – we do too. Applause.
Go with God – He is not done with what your mission on earth is to be. Look for that guardian ad litem child – and tackle new efforts of His Grace.
Such a thought-provoking post and comments too. Love you.
WOW – I believe your’spirit’ reconnected with Nate’s in your dream; you answered your own questions (by God’s grace) and although you did not SEE – a ‘picture’ of Jesus – you FELT His presence through the warmth of Nate’s hug – and what a comforting memory to hang onto. Since heaven is all about the ‘spiritual realm’ – I truly believe our dreams are somehow, our spirit’s adventures, revisiting, warnings, foresights – and whatever else they fulfill – messages from God – by the spirit….and one day…we’ll know all that for sure! I so agree with all the above comments, Midge…and my prayers are with you for renewed strength, wisdom and hope in each new day – for the joy it may bring – NOW.
Thank you, Margaret.