I look back at last year’s calendar with its description of our final day with Nate and shake my head. It was a dreadful yet holy day, a family time set apart like no other. What stands out in my memory?
- First and foremost, Nate, struggling with pain but then responding well to the morphine drops, liquid relief from the agony of failing organs.
- Hospice nurses, three in particular: Margarita teaching us how to use atropine to lessen the fluids in Nate’s system; Sonia showing us how to swab his mouth, moisten his lips, cool him with wet cloths and speak soothingly; Dee, spending the night on a stool near Nate, then tenderly bathing him on his last morning.
- Singing, praying, reading Scripture.
- Nate finally resting without pain, no knitted brow, no agitation, a relaxed hand as I held it.
- Family love and gratitude expressed through tearful goodbyes.
- The Holy Spirit’s presence with us in our dimly lit sanctuary, with Nate in his hospital bed as the centerpiece.
- Nurse Dee’s comment, “During the night, he looked like he was getting younger and younger.”
- Nate’s passion to hang on as long as he could, not leaving us until there was no other choice.
- God and Nate deciding his life had reached its finish line and Nate’s walking into eternity with the Lord.
- Our aching hearts struggling to believe what had happened, crying, praying, loving.
- Watching a new nurse officially declare he was gone, released from his earthly body-bondage; listening to her words of comfort as she shared her Christian faith with me.
- Disposing of Nate’s many drugs with Hospice, grateful he had no further need for them.
- Watching the funeral home director and his assistant carry Nate out our front door, but being sure the real Nate had left two hours before that.
- Realizing God had dramatically healed Nate of a very bad back and pancreatic cancer!
Although I’ve thought about these same details a million times during the last 12 months, tonight, for a change, I’m not crying. And I can’t explain it.
Tomorrow might be a different story, but for now, I can walk among the memories and be drawn to the blessings. During this year, God the Father has taught me so much about leaning on him that I’m continually aware of his nearness and can honestly say he’s my most precious Friend.
Today Louisa shared her thoughts about missing her papa, and we agreed there would be many future days when we’ll wish he was with us. Nothing, however, can spoil the unending togetherness we’ll have in eternity. The disconnect is only temporary.
Most likely we’ll never get the answer to her important question, “Why did he have to die when he did?” Instead, through his death, we’ve been given an opportunity to deepen our relationship with God. He had a reason for taking Nate when he did, a good one, and we can choose to trust him on that. Then, as trust increases, we’ll wonder “why” less and less.
In the mean time, we can freely look back, counting on God’s comfort to help us well into the future.
”Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
Wow, Margaret, what an amazing look back. Your honesty and transparancy help us all to understand your journey and that of others in similar circumstances. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for ending this year on such a high note. For choosing to remember the invisible God in the midst of all the visible sadness. You have given us a vibrant definition of faith….being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we cannot see. God says the ‘ancients’ were commended for this faith…so welcome to the club! And thank you for including this picture of Nate which says so much about his joy, and your love for him.
We thank the Lord for the victory He gives his children “Death is swallowed up in victory”; thank you for recalling this “holy day” on your calendar as viewed through the eyes of Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, and for giving us a glimpse of how Nate’s inexplicable joy mist be seen on his face as he basks in the presence of our Heavenly Father. You, and your dear family, are much in our hearts and prayers.
You may not have cried, but your honest, beautiful, victorious, poingnant, and faith-filled words brought tears to mine. I pray for the Lord to meet and comfort you perfectly on this day.
While the rest of the world goes on business as usual today, many of us will be remembering this day last year when Nate faithfully finished his race. Praying God is very near to you all today with an extra measure of tenderness and comfort.
Praying for you today.
It has been such an inspiration to read your blogs of God’s unwavering Grace and I applaud you, dear one, for ‘hanging on’. Some beautiful tributes and the ‘worst’ is behind you…not that you won’thve crying spells or forget the pain of loss, you WILL ..move on with a better perspective of life on earth, as He repares you for eternity. All of you are in my prayers.
That was a little mistake on that last line….I meant it to be PREPARE – but, hey…He will repair …and prepare.
I know this anniversary date is painful to remember but you have so beautifully put it into proper perspective and have been such an inspiration to me. God bless you and your family Margaret. Praying for you.
Thank you for sharing Doris and Lou’s message to you. Like old times.
You’re brave and good to the core. Celebrate who you are and whose you are – and sleep well.
What a beautiful thought – that we can always deepen our relationship with God throughout our lives.
This whole past year has been leading up to this day — a year of “Getting Through This”. It’s an important milestone but your healing will continue. God has brought you through with grace, honesty and dignity and you’ve brought us along on your journey. Thank you. I’m so glad that you’ve also had some special joys in this difficult year. Love & prayers,Ruth