After our eager buyers disappeared, Nate and I talked. I’d always been his #1 cheerleader, but on that morning the balance had tipped, and I was lower than he was.

I told him, as recorded in my journal, “My optimism is gone. I give up. I still believe God is controlling everything, but the reason our buyers keep disappearing must be about something other than finances, houses and moving.”

Because I was looking for reassurance from Nate, I was disappointed when he didn’t give any. “I’m just going to work. I don’t know what else to do.” He was as depleted as I was and didn’t want to bring God into the discussion.

I shot back, “Until God chooses to rescue us, no amount of work is going to matter.” My comment was thoughtless and an expression of anger against God, not Nate, but Nate was the one standing there to receive it.

He kissed me goodbye and walked out the door, shoulders bent forward in an effort to favor his painful back. I went right to my prayer time, desperate for God’s encouragement but sure he couldn’t possibly say anything that would help. I landed in Psalm 38 and 39:

“Your hand [God] presses me down… I’m troubled… I’m bowed down greatly… I’m mourning all day… I groan because of the turmoil in my heart… I’m ready to fall… My sorrow is continually before me… Surely mankind busies himself in vain… I’m consumed by the blow of your hand…”

The author, David, must have felt just like Nate and I. He even spoke to the issue of Nate going off to work that morning, saying it was “in vain.”

As David struggled over fear, health issues and personal sin, he told God, “Don’t be silent at my tears, for I am a stranger with you…” and I started to cry, too. That’s exactly how I felt. I was stepping close to God in our crisis, and he was stepping away. My most precious Friend was becoming a stranger. What happened to his promise to draw near to me when I drew near to him? (1 Peter 5:7)

I read those verses again. In focusing on the negatives, I’d missed the positives: “My sighing isn’t hidden from you… Make haste to help me… What, O Lord, do I wait for? Deliver me… My hope is in you…”

This startled me. In the middle of all-consuming anguish, even when David still questioned what in the world he was waiting for, his faith in God hadn’t completely disappeared.

So what about us? Working harder wouldn’t help, and neither would beige paint or real estate savvy. God had brought us close to bottoming out in faith and financial matters for some other reason. But what were we supposed to do?

Nothing… but wait.

Although tears made it difficult to read, I kept going. Psalm 40: “I waited patiently for the Lord and he inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up… established my steps… put a new song in my mouth.”

Really? Then I guess I was willing. Because I craved God’s rescue, I’d do what David did. I’d wait… some more.

(…to be continued)

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)