Death is coming to all of us. “It is appointed for man to die once” is a quote from Scripture (Hebrews 9:27), and every one of us will eventually succumb to something. To be aware of death’s timetable is to receive a gift, even though at the time it seems more like a curse.
When we know ahead of time, we have the chance to say loving words to the one who will be leaving us. We can also right wrongs. Although it doesn’t come easily to blame ourselves for anything, when a loved one is dying, we can quickly self-judge and desire to make things right.
This burst of good conscience and the apologies it prompts can be positive, but I believe it does more for the one seeking to make things right than the one who is dying. Coming to the death bed of someone we love with a list of “I’m sorry for this and sorry for that” can actually be selfish. We want to absolve ourselves of guilt. But to the one who is dying, such “dumping” might be overwhelming or even seem like too little too late.
During that first night after Nate and I learned he was infected with a rapidly growing stage 4 cancer, my mind flooded with regret. As he slept next to me in the deep fatigue of fatal disease, I lay in bed quietly weeping. Having always wanted to tweak this or that about him, I suddenly felt like a terrible wife. After nearly 40 years of marriage, I should have been long past such shallow thinking and far deeper into practicing unconditional love. Even focusing on myself that first night instead of on him was an indication of my selfishness. Nevertheless, I wanted to right all wrongs a.s.a.p.
When morning came, though, I saw the foolishness of listing my regrets to Nate. What could he say but, “Oh, that’s OK.” It was like fishing for a compliment. The only effective remedy would be to determine, from that moment on, to be the best wife I could be for as much time as we had left together.
I prayed God would control my thinking as Nate and I embarked on what we thought would be a six month journey. “What should I do about all my regrets, Lord?” I asked.
And God answered me. “Be to Nate what I created all wives to be: a helper. If you do that, you’ll please him and also me.” I didn’t have to be a perfect wife, just a helpful one. It was a massive relief, because I knew I could do that.
Beginning that day and every day thereafter, I looked for helping moments. If Nate was struggling to pick up something, I’d step forward with, “Let me help you with that.” (Easy.) If he didn’t have a drink next to his lazy-boy, I went for ice water. (Easy.) If he had trouble getting his shoes on, I kneeled to wiggle them on and tie my “magic bow.” (Easy.) If he was craving spaghetti for dinner, I aborted other plans and made spaghetti. (Easy.)
I don’t list these things to prove I was wonderful. I list them to show how easy God made it for me to finish our marriage without regrets. When doubt snuck in during the night telling me I wouldn’t be able to handle Nate’s increasing needs, I cried out to God, “I don’t think I can do this!”
He gently reminded me, “Remember, all you have to do is help him,” and I would calm down.
When it was all over, I had no regrets about my behavior during the six weeks of Nate’s illness. Simply being a helper was all that was required. Why couldn’t I have been a helper and only a helper (not a manipulator or a controller), throughout the 40 years we spent together? God’s way is always the better way.
“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ ” (Genesis 2:18)
Thank you for being a Titus 2 woman. Thank you for your honesty.
Great insights Mom. I love you.
What a great reminder, Margaret! Keep writing! Your act of worship, is causing me to think deeply about many things. Praise be to God!
Thank you my dear friend, for helping us to stop “tweaking” and get to work just helping, with the strength He so ably provides. Will we ever learn to stop “leaning on our own understanding”? You’ve given us again the challenge to begin looking at our spouses with different eyes. For that I am ever thankful to you. Fondly, MJ
Thank you, Margaret, for your wise words, even in the midst of your sorrow. Your blog is giving me insight into my own life. I am praying, and rejoicing in our marvelous Lord, who always leads us when we ask and obey.
My elderly frail mother in law is coming to live with us soon, and I am both excited, and happy….and very nervous about being able to care for her, “properly.” Thank you for giving me a simple God-honoring way to put Jesus’ commands into practice. Having 40 yrs of regrets as a not-so-wonderful daughter in law, I want her last days and months to be a time when she knows she is loved and cared for…not just by me but by the Lord Himself. That is one of the many gifts you gave Nate, and what a precious one it was.
Margaret,
Maria Pietrini informed me of your recent lost. Seth and my heartfelt sympathy go out to you and your family.
You’re blog is amazing and such a wonderful encouragement full of God’s promises. This particular post is a great reminder to us wives to love our husbands as they are. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
In Christ,
Becca Pietrini
I really appreciate your words today. This is something God wants us to hear!
Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Not feeling like the best helper these days. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement to not waste our time trying to control things, but just allow God to do that. How freeing!! Love you and miss you.
Julia
Thanks, I needed to hear that:)
Thank you Margaret for your honesty and wise counsel. Praying for you daily.
For those of us who still have husbands, you are an example and inspiration of how we should appreciate what and who we have while it is still there. Thank you for your transparency.
Margaret, this simply MUST become a book in one form or another. I’ve preached this once before, and after today’s wisdom, I say it again!!!
I’m a friend of Lynn Roush’s. She shared this link with me the night before my husband was in a motorcycle accident leaving both arms temporarily immobilized. I now help with EVERYTHING he needs his hands for. Thank you for the reminder and encouragement.
God’s timing, like his plan, are perfect!
Margaret –
This post is one of the most powerful – for all of us who approach loved ones who are (or will be) dying. I had never thought of asking forgiveness as being selfish, but can see it now. Thanks so much for your encouragement and honesty.
This is a good blog. Keep up all the work. I too love blogging and expressing my opinions