We’ve all heard the old adage, “We don’t appreciate what we have until we’ve lost it.” In losing Nate, it wasn’t quite like that for me.
Back in 1991, Nate and I were “under the gun.” His real estate investment firm which had been doing exceptionally well had gone under, thanks to a governmental law change lawmakers promised they wouldn’t make but did. We had seven children under our roof then. Among them was an extremely strong-willed pre-schooler and a teen in full rebellion with police issues and court room drama.
The other children all needed attention, too, and our dinner table included ages 18, 16, 14, 10, 9, 3 and 1. Money was extremely tight (think stranglehold) and tensions ran high. I wasn’t understanding Nate’s pressures, and he wasn’t understanding mine. It wasn’t that we were fighting. We just tried to avoid each other, a recipe for marriage disaster.
I grew nervous about what might happen in our relationship but not enough to humble myself and reach out. I did wonder if we might be going over the brink, which terrified me. Being a stay-at-home mom with seven dependent children, I knew I had to do something. I decided I’d try to look on the bright side, and since everything around me looked dark, I’d have to look back to a time when things had been better.
I thought about when I’d followed Nate around like a puppy dog and loved every minute with him. I had old journals to prove it, in which I’d written at length about my endless infatuation. So, one middle-of-the-night when I was up feeding the baby, I decided to make a list of every positive quality Nate had. I wrote an upbeat title on top: “Nate My Mate, a Great Date.” I didn’t feel happy as I approached the task, but in my heart I knew I didn’t want my marriage to fall apart, as difficult as it was.
I started with some bare-minimums and thought I’d only be able to think of five or six good things. Once I got started, though, an amazing thing happened. The list grew.
Here it is, now 18 years old:
- nice teeth
- blond hair
- good looking
- intelligent
- a good list-maker
- confident at work
- remembers to do what he said he would do
- organized
- good physical stamina
- physically coordinated
- willing to lead
- willing to study the Bible
- willing to discuss any topic with me
- flawless honesty
- studies each child
- interested in each child as an individual
- willing to help with homework
- knows everything about academic subjects
- great memory of facts, history and family history, remembers names
- good decision-making ability
- not put off by hard office work
- doesn’t need much sleep
- desires to be a good husband and father
- is sensitive to my requests of him, does them first
- great sex partner
- doesn’t give up when discouraged
- sets high goals
- puts me on a pedestal
- generous with money, doesn’t spend on self
- courteous, with good manners
- interesting conversationalist
- makes friends easily
- wants to provide for our family
After I made the list, I felt terrible about my selfish attitude. On paper, Nate was a great catch, and I wanted to get back to those brighter times. It was two more edgy years before we decided to start counseling and an additional eight months before we felt our marriage had been healed of the wounds we’d caused each other.
As we approach our first Thanksgiving without Nate, I could never be thankful for the wretched cancer that took him away, but I can definitely be thankful for the 40 years we had together without the cancer. He and I came to appreciate each other anew 18 years ago, and it started with a middle-of-the-night list. As a result, I’m grateful this Thanksgiving that I’m not saying, “I didn’t appreciate who I had until I lost him.”
“Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” (Colossians 2:8,7)
HI, Margaret! I just received your letter in the mail today and my heart sank when I read it. I had no idea about Nate being sick and just spent the last 1/2 hour reading your blog. Amazing testimony to your relationship with the LORD, your Father, your strength, your love. AND testimony of a solid relationship with your love of this life, your precious Nate. Of course, my tears are flowing. Thank you for sharing your heart. I think of Nate now, pain free, seeing Jesus’ very face. Wow. Here is a huge hug for you, Margaret. I will be praying for you. Love, Polly Schill
Thank you, Margaret, for letting us “see inside” and letting us know that good marriages don’t just happen to some and not to others. They take work and humility even for the best of them.
While at my Bible Study tonight one sweet woman (another widow thanks to cancer) asked how Nate was doing. She had missed the update that he was in heaven. When I told her about the funeral she said, “Well, I have been praying for him every day. I guess I can stop now!” I assured her that your family could still use the prayers so our group will continue to pray for you and your family. I have three widows in my group this year, one widowed around age 30 leaving two small children. They know how to pray for you!
Thank you for your light on the path.
Barbara
Excellent “Mini-Marriage course”, Margaret!
You have been such an inspiration to me Margaret! Your daily writings over the past 8 weeks have been like some’life course’ or counselling session at which I have been an eager participant. I have learned so much! It brought back some sad memories for me, but now in my ‘new and different’ life that I have been in for over 25 years now, you have taught me some valuable lessons. Thank you! I continue to pray for you during this time, especially through the holiday season which is so difficult.
With hugs,
Meryl
Margaret – your annual Christmas card arrived today and as I opened it up I was so thrilled to see the whole family in the picture and then so shocked to know that Nate was in heaven. I had heard through my parents that Nate had cancer but I hadn’t heard anything more.
I have sat glued to my kitchen table reading your blog and crying. What a journey you have been on and what you have written while on this journey is amazing. What a gift to have written this down for others to read. And I love how God has given you a verse for each entry.
I helped start a cancer care ministry at our church here in Novi, MI about three years ago now and I always give a new cancer patient a journal and tell them to write their thoughts down so that there will be a way to go back to see how God has used cancer in your life. You’ve done an amazing job of sharing Nate’s journey.
It’s the night before Thanksgiving and I always smile when I think of you and Nate. I remember how you shared with me before I got married how you would go to the local grocery store and buy ten cans for a dollar. And the cans had no labels so dinner was always a surprise. And I always had the name Linnea Hope Johnson ready to use if we were blessed with a girl. God gave us two boys instead. But I’m betting that one of my boys will use the name if they get a girl.
I’ll be praying for you as go through the holidays and your anniversary for the first time without your wonderful husband.
Please keep writing – because I’m going to keep reading.
Love & Hugs,
Judy
I believe the ’empty chair’ at your table will be more of a reminder of the loving life you had…rather than what you lost…you are ..truly blessed. There are no ‘perfect’ marriages ….and the ones that last for years…have taken lots of work..and dedication to their vows made in the beginning. Anyone who thinks otherwise..is only fooling themselves.