One of Nate’s wise sayings was, “When you cry, it lets the sadness out.” Today some of my sadness came out. It wasn’t actually a “letting” though. It came out, even after I tried to stop it.
It was the beginning of a fresh week and almost the beginning of a new month. My goal was to dig into paper work that had been piling up. One “hot” item was the health insurance bill. It was due, and I knew I needed to make a change in the policy, now that Nate was gone.
After the insurance company made me wait on hold for 22 minutes, a real person finally spoke. “Policy ID? Name? Birthdate? Zip code?” She had irritation in her voice before I’d said a word.
When we finally got the formalities out of the way, she said, “How can I help you?” She said it as if she hated her job.
“My husband has passed away,” I told her, “and his name is still on the list of the insured. I’ll need to make a change.”
She must not have been paying attention, because then she asked, in an edgy tone, ”What kind of a change?”
“My husband doesn’t need health insurance anymore, because he has died,” I stated.
“Oh,” she said, and then she paused. Her voice melted into softness, and she said, “So you want to terminate his policy?”
With those words and her sympathetic voice, I started bawling. The poor girl could hardly go on with her script because of my boo-hooing, but in the end, she got the job done.
“Thanks for helping me,” I said, as we concluded. ”My husband used to take care of all this, and I’m trying to learn a lot at once.”
“I understand,” she said softly. “You’ll be getting a refund in the form of a check, and I do hope you can have a nice day.”
I sat and cried after we hung up, trying to figure out what had set me off. I’m learning there are two kinds of crying after a husband dies. The first is grief, and the second is self-pity. This morning I was crying from grief, I believe. The thought that Nate would never again need earthly health insurance was a power-packed reminder he was really gone. He had been a hawk about insurance and was generally over-insured. My terminating his policy went against his values and caused me to break down.
This afternoon I ran several errands, one of which was to the post office. The lady behind the desk in our small town knows of Nate’s death and asked, “How are you doing? I know it’s the same old question, but it’s a good one. How’s it going?”
“Some days are ok and others aren’t,” I answered but then hurried away before new tears could spill out. Those tears, I believe, were the poor-me tears of self-pity, and the minute I determined that, the crying stopped.
On my way home, a beautiful sun was setting, so rather than go straight back, I turned early and headed for the lake. Sitting in the car facing a gold and aqua sky, the tears started again. Maybe it was still about the health insurance policy or maybe it was the beautiful music playing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” on the radio, but I cried and cried, wetting six Kleenexes. Just as Nate used to say, some of the sadness was coming out.
I’m certainly not the first person to lose my husband to death. I don’t have young children to raise alone, and my life is relatively settled. But the old adage about a spouse being “my other half” becomes true after a couple has been married for decades. When two married people have grown to become one, it’s hard to go back to being two singles minus one. Nothing adds up right after that.
“A man will… be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one… what God has joined together.” (Mark 10:7-9 parts)
Thank you for your words, and for your sincere, honest reflections on all you are experiencing. I lost my mom to cancer on August 17, 2009. She and my dad had been married for 41 years, and my dad is experiencing many of the feelings you are expressing.
A friend of mine sent the link to your blog after you wrote an entry back in October after finding the heart-shaped rocks for your family… and you even found one for each of your 3 unborn babies. She sent this to me, because almost a year & 1/2 ago, while I was pregnant with boy/girl twins, our daughter died at 22 weeks gestation. They were born on 9/11/08, and our son is thriving. I miss our daughter terribly still, but it does give me great comfort knowing that my mom and she are together in our Father’s courts!
Anyway – I have only read a handful of your entries, but they bring tears of understanding, of sincere empathy, and of my own sadness and joy. Please keep writing. Your ministry extends far beyond what you may expect.
Sincerely,
Nicki
There is a lot to ponder here Margaret. The two as one theme…….is so deeply true. For better and for worse…(in spiritually healthy and “unhealthy” relationships) it is our one body together. How blessed you have been with the gift of a man who wanted to do it God’s way. But it is also clear that Nate was very blessed that you were a wife that sought to be a Godly woman. Nate had a good wife and therefore, a great life. Still thinking of you daily. You are not really alone.
Dearest Margaret – It’s as if you have gone through an amputation without anesthetic and each time you have to do something that reminds you of that ‘surgery’, it brings fresh pain. Please keep blogging – it helps all of us know how to pray. We love you.
Margaret, I feel like you are my little sister now, and you are “following” me, almost 3 mos. “behind”. Tears and laughter will always be a part of us!
Good definition of the “new math”…And I keep thinking about one of the blog comments weeks ago about the chemical components of tears, depending on the reason we’re crying….something about a chemical anti-depressant in tears from real sorrow. Nate had it so right from several perspectives….letting the sadness out emotionally, and physiologically releasing something that eases the pressure build up from excess. I’m glad the insurance lady rallied there at the end, because her initial tone and questions might lead one to think she was in the wrong field!
My mother in law shared that one of the worst things about the aloneness was wading through mounds of paperwork that she had never handled before. So when I pray for ‘encouragement’ for you, it’s both lifting of your spirits, and that God give you courage to tackle these overwhelming tasks, at a time when you “naturally” have the least resources. Thank you for “encouraging” us by recognizing self pity and ruthlessly shutting off that valve before those tears become destructive.
It is true that crying is a way of releasing emotions that are beyond words. Don’t try to analyze why, just allow yourself to cry it out and it will ease up as that area is comforted. You have been through alot in these past few months which is alot for your body,soul,heart,and mind to process. Let your heavenly Father hold you in His arms and soothe you as you cry on His great big shoulders.
Hi Margaret – I was praying for you on Sunday as I knew it was your first anniversary without Nate there to celebrate. And today I saw two different women who reminded me of you and started praying for you again. (Maybe that was when you were talking to the insurance company lady!)
Your blog is such an encouragement to me. Thank you for sharing your struggles, your tears and your love for Nate with us each day.
Hugs,
Judy
Don’t want to appear nagging, Margaret, especially since you don’t know me (Marjorie Bryant’s (ex brother-in-law), but allow me to suggest you think about the possibility of someday putting your blog into a new type (?) of devotional. May sound a bit strange, but it has not only blessed me, as a cancer patient, and my wife, on the emotional plane, but, equally on the spiritual. I firmly believe it could be of immeasurable help, to anyone who is either facing the death of a loved one, and/or to anyone who has ever experienced a loved-one’s death and is still in need of comfort. (“Just a suggestion”)
Thanks SO for all the good stuff your laying out for your readers!