I remember the day Dad died. I’d never seen anyone die before, and it was traumatic. He’d fallen backwards onto concrete, breaking his pelvis in 13 pieces. Although he was 92 and ought not to have been immobilized, there was no medical choice. Nothing was going to put his pelvis back together except traction and time, although the doctor knew other health issues would arise if Dad lay still in a bed too long.
Two weeks later, still in traction, he began battling the consequences of being made to lie still: blood clots, mini-heart attacks, bed sores, threats of stroke. Eventually his kidneys failed, his lungs filled with fluid and as he died, he gasped for air, unconscious but struggling to breathe. When this happened, I looked away. It was awful to see him gasp in a choking way, even though it lasted only a few seconds. I panicked and cried, “What’s he doing?” In short, I acted badly.
After we learned of Nate’s terminal cancer, I thought back to Dad’s death scene. I told myself, “I’ve got to do better than that. I want to be Nate’s partner in suffering if I can, and I want to stay focused on him and his needs, all the way to the end.”
None of us knew what to expect, not on any one day and certainly not in those final moments, whenever they would come. But I trusted God to strengthen us and bring understanding as we needed it. I sometimes woke during the night trying to picture the end, craving God’s preparation for what would happen and the role I would need to fulfill. I knew one thing for sure; I didn’t want to turn away from my husband the way I’d turned away from my dad.
As I prayed about the unknowns of my assignment, God seemed to impress on me that if I committed my mind to his keeping, everything else would be ok. The physical part would work itself out day by day, and I knew the emotional stuff would be accompanied by tears and sadness. But if my mind was submitted to God, I knew I could partner with Nate, no matter what.
Scripture kept me calm. The verse that helped most was Romans 12:2.”Be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
I knew if I asked God to transform me by renewing my mind every day, I would be ready for whatever came. Another verse I prayed back to God countless times was Philippians 1:7. It said that if I called out to God, letting him know what I needed, acknowledging the blessings while I was in the struggles, his peace would keep my mind through Christ Jesus. I believed that meant he would keep me from being overwhelmed or unable to cope. He would keep me sane.
Often during those six weeks, along with the wake and funeral days that followed, I felt my mind tip-toeing around the edge of panic. But when that happened, I could almost feel God tapping me on the shoulder as if to say, “Remember what I told you. Claim the words again for your mind. If you stay focused on me, you’ll be filled with peace.”
God kept his word and kept me sane.
”Know the God of your father, and serve him with a whole heart and a willing mind; for the Lord searches all hearts, and understands every intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will let you find Him.” (1 Chronicles 28:9)
My senior year of college Weez called me one night to say you had given her a verse to pray back to God as she was dealing with breaking up with Matt. I had never heard of doing that before, I had lived in “church world” for 22 years and had never heard of praying Scripture back to God and using specific verses to frame my prayers. Since that night in January 2008 I have come to love using Scripture to guide my prayer life, remembering Weez’s words of, “my mom told me when you pray the Scripture back to God you are claiming that truth, and there is power in that”.
Thank you for blogging about praying Scripture, I know there is someone reading who has never thought to do that before and I pray it blesses their prayer life as much as it has blessed mine.
Praying Ephesians 3:14-21 for you and your family,
Sara
Thank you Margaret for being so vulnerable. We never know when our time will come. I can relate only on the level of being with my mother when she died 5yrs ago. I am so glad she was not alone but it was difficult. We were all with her and She had not been able to communicate for a day and could not move. Her breathing was like your Dad’s when suddenly she paused in her breathing and looked up in amazement and I prayed “Oh Jesus, Mom’s best friend, you have come for her. Thank you.” God is good and He heals in time, but Mom always said that life without Dad was never the same. Praying for you Margaret and thank you for the post telling us of Nate’s homegoing. love Beth & Bruce Jones
Margaret, What a blessing you are. I too am very happy our family surrounded
Dad when he died. I spoke to him that very morning and knew something was up, I asked if he needed me to come down and he sweetly said no, “Jim is here”. It was noon and Jim called letting me know Dad had gone to the nursing home area and was put under hospice care. David and I flew down 294 so fast and were able to be with Dad for the last hour of his life. His gasping for air seemed to last forever and although the attendents assured us he was in no pain, he really looked like he was in pain. As we watched him cross into eternity we quoted scripture and sang his favorite songs. Isaiah 26:3 was the verse I claimed that day for Dad. His mind was always stayed on the Lord and he memorized scripture till the day he died. He knew the power of scripture and communicated that to us. This was one of the most precious gifts Dad gave to us, it has eternal value and cannot be stolen, corruped or burned. Thank you for reminding all of us of it’s value today.
Even though you have allowed us to see the inner emotional struggles you have and are walking through, your outward countenance shines with amazing grace, strength, stoic courage even when your heart is trembling,and a determination to stay focused on God and His word. You are an inspiration and blessing to all of us as you share your journey with us.
Thank you, Margaret for writing your blog, and this one in particular. I have read it over 20 times. Isaiah 26:3 is the verse I used to get through so many of my early days of grief after losing my dear husband unexpectedly and being left with 5 children at home to raise. Your admonition to focus on keeping my mind “stayed” on Christ has truly helped keep me sane. I read your current blog offerings as well as pore over the older ones. You have a tender heart toward God.