Yesterday I shared three things I wish I could go back and do differently in reference to Nate’s 42 days of cancer. Here are six more.
My hope is that these will be of practical help for anyone currently traveling with a loved one on the difficult journey of terminal illness:
4. I wish I’d taken many more pictures of Nate before he got so physically depleted it was awkward to do so. With only six weeks of cancer, we had only three of acceptable picture-taking time.
5. By the time I realized I didn’t have all the answers about our shared paperwork and tax stuff, it was too late to get them. Confusion began to pepper our conversations unexpectedly, and we weren’t sure if what he was telling us was accurate. His help with answers to my brother’s questions about his law practice (and there were hundreds) was non-existent after day #25. It would have been a blessing to all of us to have concentrated on these questions almost immediately.
6. I regret not asking Nate, “Is there anything I’ve said or done that is standing between us and needs to be settled?” Of course I would need to have had thorough preparation by the Holy Spirit to be ready for his answer and the difficult discussion that might have followed. But this is a good question for any wife (or husband) to ask any time. It might be especially important as death is on the horizon.
7. Pulling out old photo albums would have been a rewarding way to use precious together-moments. Counteracting the darkness of terminal cancer, family pictures would have prompted laughter and light-hearted remember-when’s. During those moments when neither of us knew how to cope, it would have been a welcome lift from miserable circumstances.
8. When we say goodbye to any loved one, whether it’s after a shared meal or a week’s vacation together, we usually make it a point to say thank you. When we’re about to say goodbye because of death, thank you’s are doubly important. I wish I’d thought back to the endless kindnesses Nate had shown me, then talked about them, thanking him again and again. It would have made for sweet conversation.
9. As soon as we discovered Nate was not going to live much longer, I viewed him as fragile and touched him accordingly. Looking back, it would have been lovely to have had more husband-wife time in private during the early days. I didn’t realize how quickly there would be other eyes and ears in the room helping us, but also watching and listening, making intimate moments impossible.
More and more I find myself looking forward, but I hope this look back can be useful to someone who’s still in the middle.
“The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.” (Psalm 121:8)
Marg, Your shared insights these last 2 days are immeasurably heart rendering and what a gift you offer us in reminders to us even though we are not facing what you’ve endured. Thank you for the commitment of ministry to all of us. I too, am finding myself looking forward more and more to life with our Saviour. Blessings on you.
The thing is, that when you are caring for your husband, you are so “in the moment” that you yourself are not “there” either. It’s only after the fact when you are thinking a little more clearly that you wish you’d thought of these things. But your counsel to “look forward” is wisdom to embrace. Thank you, Margaret.
What wonderful insights! I, too, am looking back at mom, and that final week with her before she moved to Heaven, and wishing I’d been clear-eyed enough to do some things differently. God knows, and I know mother knows, that out of my own myopic viewpoint, I did my best. Thank you, Margaret, for sharing your wisdom with us, so we can be wiser, too! With great fondness – cmg
Don’t be too hard on yourself about looking back occasionaly; I think the ‘ability’ to look back gives us renewed courage to keep ‘marching on’ as it were, and being thankful for where we are and sure of the ultimate destination – giving us hope of living the ‘now’ with JOY, and looking forward to the future of new experiences this life on earth offers…our goal being the ultimate destination of heaven and eternal fellowship with Jesus and those we’ve loved here.
I think you’re in a good place, Midge, and God has some wonderful plans for you. when one door closes – another opens..what good things He has for us!!
Love you.
Margaret ~ How I wish I had this counsel when my husband started his two month journey with cancer! I made the same mistakes and have such keen regrets now. I was so absorbed with caring and supporting him physically in the moment, I didn’t realize what I would later wish I had done that could have brought him comfort and joy and would have helped me in my single life. Please Margaret, turn this into an article to submit to Christian and family magazines for people to keep so they can give it to friends when their spouse receives a diagnosis of terminal illness. Then many more others can benefit from what you’ve learned.