Last night Mom wrote her blog entry about our outing to Marshall Field’s. I woke up thinking about the dinner and the night’s similarities and differences to years past. Some things were the same, some were different. She talked about things that were the same…the lights, the giant tree, zillions of shoppers scrambling to buy and rush home with their treasures, waiting to be seated, and the cold wind in the city. And then the things that were different. Marshall Field’s is now Macy’s, even though I couldn’t see much change other than better food.
All of us kids have slowly turned from children into adults…not much interest in having the “Snow Fairy” come by our table and sprinkle silver glitter and wave her magic wand around. I thought, “It’s hard to get a job these days. I bet that girl doesn’t get more than minimum wage to dress up and prance around like that. I wonder if she gets high before she comes to work and that’s why she smiles so much. Then again, maybe she is happy to make the kids happy.” I hope it’s the latter. We see things through different eyes. But the biggest difference is obviously Papa’s absence. No matter how great the night was in every respect, he still wasn’t there at the table. It tainted the event, “bad.”
This morning, as I walked Jack the dog down to the beach through the snow, I thought about what makes something “good” and something we try to repeat. “Oh, that was such an awesome time! Let’s do it again next year.” Or “bad,” “I don’t know, it just sort of fell flat. It wasn’t the same.” What’s the difference? How do we feel? Who was there? The weather? Good conversation? Or did I get that “good Christmas feeling?” Why are some things “good” and some things “bad?”
I suppose it has to do with pain and comfort. When I am comfortable and things are the way I expected them to be, I call it good. When things are painful, uncomfortable, and not what I had in mind, I call it bad. It is surely painful to sit at a table trying to enjoy a meal with our family when the head of our family is not there. Grief is present instead of his laugh. No one can deny that. It hangs heavy in the room. To deny it would be like a child whistling in the dark to keep from being scared to death.
This is a forced change. Now things are different. No two ways about it. Different. It’s different for Papa. Different for us. Is it good or is it bad? I don’t know. Probably bad for us but good for him. I believe it depends entirely on my expectations. If I think, “We will go eat downtown under the tree and it will be just like last year and all the years before that,” then I will probably call it “bad.” On the other hand, if I think, “Papa is with the Lord now and we will miss him dearly, but we are going through all of this together. I am going to enjoy these moments while they last,” then the night can be “good” no matter how it turns out.
Today, Mom and I went to Carmax to look at some four wheel drive vehicles so she can replace her van with something safer and more reliable. We drove into Indiana and did a bit of last minute shopping and mailing before some test drives. The whole day was filled with great conversation and quality time together. It turned out to be a really “good” day. I had no idea it was coming, and because I had no expectation about it being this or that, it was great.
To me, differences are a constant in my life and in my walk with the Lord. The more I cling to “sameness,” the more 
frustrated, useless, and stagnant I will be. The more willing and open I can be to His changes in my life, the better. I have made plenty of mistakes so far that have resulted in self-inflicted pain. Other things happen and I don’t know why. I can choose how I respond to the Lord’s dealings with me no matter what happens because I know He works all things together for good. It’s possible that the only thing “bad” is my perspective. I usually only grow through pain.
“So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.” (Jeremiah 18:3-4)
good stuff, Nelson.
Dear Nelson,
When I was your age, I looked forward to middle age when I would have everything “figured out”. Now that I am well beyond middle-age, I find that the learning curve is as steep as ever. Moreover now I realize that your Dad is in a situation where the curve has only accelerated because the landscape is so much clearer and less distracting than down here in these “shadowlands”.
Regards,
Al
Great writing Nelson. Enjoy life every day. Treasure precious moments as they are around us every day.
Have a good Christmas!
Dear Nelson, thank you for having the courage to put your reflections into words and in the open for everybody to read. You have blessed me, encouraged me, humbled me…and I am sure that many will say the same.I am very sorry that your dad has passed away. I know the pain,I lost mine too and I still miss him… There is so much love in your family, so many wonderful memories, and even the not so happy moments are soaked with love, because your family was built with love. That is precious, not everybody gets to live like that. I know that is probably of little comfort as the pain is too big, but is something. Anyway, I will intentionally put into practice your way of living the days…Much love to you and Merry Christmas 🙂
Nelson, the gift of writing seems to run in your family…this is a part of ‘healing the hurt of loss’ and you’ve done it so well. One thing I know of our existance on earth…one thing we have constant is change…life and death. Growing in Jesus is the only way to have the serenity of life’s experiences….knowing He ..is .whatever we have need of. The pain of loss ..will diminish with time, the joy of ‘good’ times will be in the memories shared. New traditions will be made as well…or…one could just embrace the moment and HOPE ….!
You’re doing a good thing, being there with your mom, helping her, and these are times you will cherish – when she goes home. God bless you mightily, and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS! – patzian
Nels, You’ve discovered a new way to look at James 1:17. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows”. I’m training myself to think of it as “everything that comes to us is good and perfect”. It’s most difficult when we don’t have the choice or control of what “everything” means to our Heavenly Father. Blessings on you and your family as you also discover the unchangeables of our Heavenly Father this season.
Nelson, you are being given the chance to discover that the Lord’s provision and ways are perfect. Life does change yet He remains the same yesterday today and forever. Don’t lean on your own understanding, lean on His it will do you well you whole life long. Your parents are special. Keep walking as they have walked in the ways of God. Good blog today.
SSN, Just as Jeremiah 18:4b says “shaping it as seemed best to him.” he shaping all of us in his son’s image. God will not with hold anything good from you. Thank you for the great post. Praying for your family.
Merry Christmas!
“I will wait and see what good God will do to me by it, assured He will do it.” Thus we shall bear an honorable testimony before the world, and thus we shall strengthen the hands of others. –George Mueller.
Dear Nelson – What a gift you are to your Mom, particularly at this time. Being the mother of a son, I can tell you that there is a special bond between mothers and sons that God put there. How wonderful to see your pliable heart made available to the Potter’s hands. May the Lord bless you as you walk daily with Him and serve Him and your dear Mom.
Nelson, when I read your entry, just now, the first thing that came to my mind was…..”Thank you, Lord, for Saving my Soul. Thank you, Lord, for making me whole.” I learned this song, along with your Mother and Aunt, at Moody Church, years ago. We ARE Whole!
God is Blessing the Nyman family, everday.
That is so true that our disappointments in life come from our expectations and sadness when things aren’t as we remembered or thought they should be! We really do need to cherish EACH day for what God has given us at that time. (By the way, never thought about those fairies being high before! I must be older than I thought I was! Thanks for the insight…I’ll never look at those dressed up characters the same again!)
This blog is like one of our conversations by the fire, only in print. It makes me miss you and everyone else so much!
But I loved reading it. Great perspective. Love you.
Nelson, Thanks so much for sharing and guiding our thoughts especially this next week to not what we expect or want but what the Lord wants of us. Love to you and the rest of the Nymans. Thanks for helping your Mom with these special decisions.