Nate was not a naturally peaceful person. He was a firstborn, a Type A, high strung, always planning, making lists and setting new goals. Despite his efforts, his last few years were especially difficult. As he approached 65 without having met some of his business and financial goals, he worried more and slept less. Then the arrival of severe back pain in early 2009 seemed to squeeze out the last of his energy. Although there was an operation that would remedy his pain, just when it was within reach, pancreatic cancer came between him and his surgeon.
Nate was always a hard worker. His goal was to continue full-steam-ahead into his seventies, but debilitating back problems and deadly cancer forced him to the sidelines of life, a place he’d never been and didn’t like. As the six weeks went by, he became uncharacteristically introspective, keeping many of his thoughts to himself. I believe God had him doing difficult work during those days. Life as Nate had known it had come to a screeching halt, and suddenly there was time to think, not just about business, money and goals but about life, death and eternity.
Recently I found a journal Nate had written in 2005. Since he didn’t usually write anything longer than a Post-it note could hold, I was surprised to find it. I remembered the dates on its pages, though, having journaled my own thoughts about him during those days. He’d gone through a distressful period of restlessness, and I’d encouraged him to step out of his routine and get recharged by seeking God’s direction.
He went away for three days to think, read and pray. Later he told me he’d fasted during those days, too, allowing himself only coffee and water. His goal had been to answer this question: Am I worthy to be a Christian?
As I prayed for him at home while he was gone, not knowing what was on his mind, God brought Matthew 11:28 to my attention: “Come to me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” So I prayed for his rest, both physically and spiritually.
Nate was agitated, edgy and without contentment during those days, probably in a crisis of personal faith. He needed to learn how to rest in the love of the Lord, separate and apart from performance, but such resting doesn’t come easily to a Type A. He wrote in his journal, “Ingratitude undermines the goodness of life by always feeling entitled to more and better.”
From the sound of things, there was a battle raging within him. Then last year, when his back pain escalated to unmanageable levels, I believe it was God asking him to stop laboring and accept his rest, but Nate couldn’t. He pushed himself harder than ever, determined to function at the same pace he always had, despite the pain.
Eventually God said, “Nate, I’m not giving up on you. Instead I’m going to let cancer come, because you’ve struggled long enough and need your rest.” But even with cancer, Nate did more questing than resting.
God is love, though, and so he put Nate in bed. I believe it was during those final days that Nate saw things God’s way. At long last he became willing to accept outward rest and inner peace. With all his back pain and then cancer, he’d finally given in.
Charles Spurgeon said, “Jesus gives a rest which develops into heaven.” That’s exactly what happened to Nate. God imposed his rest on him, and as Nate surrendered, he was ushered into heaven.
“God’s rest is there for people to enter, but those who first heard this good news failed to enter because they disobeyed God. So God set another time for entering his rest, and that time is today. For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God… we will fall.” (Hebrews 4:6-7, 10-11)
So sorry for all the physical pain Nate went thru. I am a chicken when it comes to pain so I feel deeply for people that must endure it. Bruce has a high tollerance for pain.
Bruce is also a type A, goal centered, focused and active at 75. With diabetes and heart problems, he continues to move forward as God opens the doors. I believe, each of us has so much time in God’s time table, and then we will be called home. It is different for each child of His. I just hope I listen and obey all He is telling me, and yes there are times of challenge and struggle. But that is not all bad if we seek Him. It isn’t fun but we do grow if we are willing.
Thank you again for sharing with us your dear Nate and your personal journey, it is a blessing and causes many to think. luv
The older I become….the more I can see that the only way to deal with ourselves or someone we know, not being among us….is to fully comprehend that eternity is really the life we’ve been striving for but could not attain here on earth. If we fall short of fully embracing this… Then we are short in faith. So while running the race…..the question may not be “How am I to live my life?” Perhaps it’s an incomprehensible trust that allows this deep peace with our own physical mortality and absence from this world. Of course when that level of peace is ours,,,,, we will desire nothing more than to live for HIM.
Margaret, your honest sharing in the reality of your circumstances allows us to engage daily in the Truth of our fragile lives that are so dependent on Jesus Christ as our Savior. Your trust is evident.
That was some meditation on Hebrews 4, Margaret. Insight, wisdom, understanding all yours as you continue to hear His answers to your questions through His Word. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Cancer can come metaphorically to your spirit or soul or emotions, your concept of self, and eat away at it until there’s nothing left of what you thought you were. What wisdom to recognize that whether the battle is external or internal, it’s intended destination is rest. What loving discernment to recognize the agitation and discontent as a spiritual crisis and to pray for rest without judgment.
John the Baptist concluded, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” He understood that the way to find equilibrium in life was through an inequality, a whole lot less of me and a whole lot more of Him. Much too often the message to the Christian is all about externals-do this, be this, as though I can on my own do and be- as a woman in my Bible study says, “stapled on fruit.”
One of my favorite passages is Psalm 107. Here were these sailors more than capable of handling business on the waters. So what does God do- He brings along a storm they can’t handle, for the whole person of bringing them to their wits’ end (literally all their wisdom was swallowed up). It is only when they get to the end of self and cry out to Him that the storm is stilled, the waves hushed, themselves quiet, and finally delivered to their desired haven.
I understand Type A very well; even my blood is Type A! It takes a colossal storm and a 2 Corinthians thorn to exchange I can conquer for I can come, self-rule for Christ’s rest.
How spiritually astute to conclude it was love that put Nate in bed. James instructs us to ask for wisdom when it is lacking, This wisdom is not for any ordinary situation, but for the extraordinary circumstances of trial. Every day you blog there is an evident growing wisdom in you as you walk through this great trial.
“Lord, Margaret asks questions in faith, and seeks Your answers. As she asks for wisdom, give it to her generously and without reproach.” James 1:5
Much love,
Terry
I’ve been reading your blog since I learned of Nate’s passing (he was our lawyer, and a fine man.) I went to the Bible tonight looking for passages to help me understand yet another “Plan B” that has occured in my life. I’m starting to learn — slowly and always only after the fact (in other words, the hard and stubborn way) — that my Plan A is not always God’s … Thus, Plan B often blindsides me. The passage I found happened to be the one about the thorn from 2 Corinthians. What a concept! Then I decided to check out your post today, and wouldn’t you know: one of the comments referenced 2 Corinthians, adding further context and deeper understanding to the answer I sought. Your blog is a powerful ministry, and I just wanted to thank you for it tonight.