Category Archives: Adult Children

Now what?

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When someone precious dies, grieving first presents itself as a feeling of emptiness. It says, “Now what?”

loveAll of us knew what to do when Mary was sick. Several kept her medicine straight, administered it, and made sure she was comfortable. Others kept the kitchen clean. Someone else did laundry. Another cooked. Several cleaned bathrooms, swept floors, ran errands. We all took turns sitting with Mary, sometimes in small groups, sometimes one-on-one.

And suddenly she was gone. Even in those first moments after she’d slipped away, while still gathered around her bed weeping, none of us knew what to do next. “Should we stay here? Move out of the room? Where would we go? What would we do ?”

The simplest decision was muddled, and there were question marks on each face. It was as if our previous instructions, the many tasks related to Mary, had been put through a shredder and then tossed in the air. When we asked “Now what?” no one could answer – at least not then.

Within hours, though, the question had been answered…. because there was a funeral to plan.

That process was much like arranging a wedding in three days:

  • The announcement/obituary – where to publish it? when?
  • The printed program – which photos to use? what order of service? what kind of paper? where to get it printed?
  • The funeral home – which one? what size room? how many will come? or should we use a church?
  • The casket – who will choose it? what about an outfit for Mary? who do we give it to?
  • The pictures – poster board photos? with which pictures? Where are they? what about a slide show? who would run it?
  • The guests – who will do airport runs? where will out-of-towners stay? what about a guest book?
  • The service – which pastor, musicians, soloists, songs? who will accompany? what about microphones? rehearsals? a podium? will it be recorded? video taped? by whom?
  • The flowers – ordered from where? what type? how many?
  • The food – a snack or a meal? where? who will provide it? how much?
  • The family – does everyone have suitable funeral clothes? if not, who will shop? where? when?
  • The cemetery – which one? which plot? should there be maps at the funeral? who will print them? who will pass them out?
  • Where will the flowers go after the service? who will transport them?

At Mary’s bedside we had asked, “Now what?” God had answered with a list of new questions, and we had no choice but to get to work. Could this must-plan phase be his gift to mourners who long for an answer to the “now what” question?

Since all the tasks at hand still had a connection to Mary, each one was important. We all felt useful. And it was a relief to know what to do.

Now those 50 questions have been answered. All of us are slowly returning to our regular lives and the tasks that remained undone when we were busy with Mary and her funeral. The need to catch up on things will keep that perplexing “now what” question at arm’s length for a while. But eventually it’ll be back. When it hits again, I believe each family member will receive a specific answer from the Lord that’s pertinent to them.

And when the “now-what’s” have all been answered, the only remaining question will be, “How will we fill the big empty space that Mary left?”

I’m counting on the Lord to supply an answer for that one, too.

“Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach…. No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart….”  (Deuteronomy 30:11,14)

Mary finished well.

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The last few days have been rough – but not on Mary. Our much-loved wife, mom, sister, and grandma has slept away the days and nights in complete comfort, the recipient of endless loving care by her husband Bervin and grown children, Luke, Julia, Karl, Andrew, Jo, Stina, and Marta.

Mary, a nurse since 1966, was thrilled when two of her daughters, Julia and Stina, became nurses, too. And they were never more challenged than in recent days as they faithfully, diligently met their mom’s every physical need. They jumped into action with every chime of their phone alarms, around the clock – administering different drugs at different times, rolling Mary’s sleeping body every few hours to prevent bed sores, keeping her clean on a schedule, changing bed sheets, regulating the temperature in her room. Whatever was needed, they eagerly did it. As Julia said, “She never let us do anything for her, always wanting to do for us instead. So it’s very satisfying to help her now.”

love-in-actionThe rest of us took turns sitting with Mary, enjoying her company as she slept. Knowing she might be hearing us even while unconscious, we read her many greeting cards, recited her favorite Scriptures, sang hymns for her, and talked to her freely. Bervin reminisced with her during their nights together and never entered or left the room without stroking her arm or caressing her face with his hand. Her cheeks and forehead were regularly covered with his kisses.

This afternoon I was sitting on the bed next to her, legs under the covers next to hers, leaning up against the headboard as she soundly slept. Computer hymns were playing quietly in the background as I held her hand and described the pictures on different greeting cards and read their messages. I looked up any Scriptures that were mentioned and read them to her, too. She continued to take about 8 breaths per minute as she had for the past 24 hours.

After reading all the cards, I set them aside and picked up her well-marked Bible, opening to the Psalms. Suddenly I thought I heard a quiet noise come from Mary’s mouth. It was not a moan, not a groan, nothing negative. It sounded like “Ahhh” going from high pitch to low.

I scooched down in the bed right next to her, putting my ear in front of her open mouth and heard a second one. “Ahhh.” And then a third and fourth. That’s when I jumped out of the bed and raced to find the others.

But only Luke was there, in the kitchen. “Come quick. Your mom is making some funny noises, and I’m not sure what’s happening.”

We raced back to the bedroom together, and he too put his ear by her mouth, hearing another “Ahhh.”

He dashed from the room and out the front door to get Bervin, who was cutting the lawn. (A few minutes earlier he’d wondered aloud if he should leave Mary long enough to do that, and since she’d been stable, we had encouraged him to go.)

I put my ear back near Mary’s mouth and she was still “talking.”

“Ahhh.”

She hadn’t moved during this time – not a flutter of the eye or a twitch of the brow.

Bervin rushed in with Luke right behind him, and bent over Mary’s face as she “spoke” one final “Ahhh” to him. It sounded like she was making a wonderful discovery or experiencing a deep satisfaction like, “Ahhh… I understand now!”

Then she grew completely quiet. No more breaths. No more sounds. And we three stared intently at her face, holding our breath as we waited for hers. And surprising us all, she simply closed her mouth…. as if to say, “That’s all.”

Bervin released her to go to heaven and then covered her face with a loving mix of kisses and tears as Mary flew into the presence of Jesus.

Their other adult children were, for the first time in two weeks, a distance from the house. Mary had repeatedly told all of us, back when she was still talking, “Why are you guys hanging around here? It’s a beautiful day. Go to the beach!” She said it again and again as she rested in bed, but no one felt like going.

img_4053Today, though, they’d finally decided to walk down there together, since Mary’s breathing hadn’t changed since the day before. And as Mary made her exit from the earth, they were all looking over the soothing, bright blue waters of Lake Michigan, talking about their mom.

That’s when Luke’s text told them to quickly hurry home, and they raced back in a group, gathering around Mary’s bed to absorb the startling news that she was gone. We stood in a circle of love all the way around her, unrolling paper towels to mop up tears and blow noses. Bervin began to sing, in a wobbly but confident voice, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face….”

And I joined in… “And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” We all realized this was exactly Mary’s new reality. Her eyes were on Jesus, and she was looking into his wonderful face. Awesome!

img_4147If there is such a thing as a perfect death, this was it. And Mary had finished well. Very well.

“We are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” (2 Corinthians 5:8, NLT)

God’s Good Gift

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What would it feel like to be the center of God’s personal attention, receiving a really good gift from him? Yesterday we found out.

Two days ago, as Mary continued to rest, her oldest grandchildren went through the excruciating but important process of saying goodbye to the grandma they adore. One read a special letter she’d written for that moment. Another climbed into bed next to Mary, holding onto her as he recited a Scripture passage from memory.

mary-and-rubyBut dear little Ruby, almost inconsolable, was overcome with the sobs of a broken heart as she hugged her grandma goodbye. Even after she’d left the bedroom, her crying continued.

It had been a rough period in Ruby’s seven-year-old life. First, the family had had to put down one of their two beloved horses due to old age and health problems. Ruby suffered during that difficult goodbye. Then she learned a new baby was on the way, and she was sure it was going to be just one more boy, stacking the gender-deck against her – their 4 to her 1.

And then, worst of all, her grandma’s cancer began to speed up, making it harder for Ruby to spend time with her. How does a 2nd grader cope with such disappointment and stress? She’s too old to be unaware and too young to understand.

Just then, her parents got an idea. Maybe if she found out she would be getting a baby sister instead of another brother, she’d be able to focus on that arrival (in February) rather than her grandma’s departure (very soon).

Of course there was no guarantee it was a girl, but at least there was a 50/50 chance. So her mom, Jo, called for an ultrasound appointment. “How soon can you fit us in?”

Within hours Jo, her husband Drew, and their two oldest, Beck (9) and Ruby, were in the examining room. When they left the hospital, the answer to their gender-question was written on a white card, and none of them knew what it said.

After they’d made their way to Dairy Queen and were enjoying ice cream, Jo handed the closed card to Beck and Ruby. “How about if you tell us which it will be?” she said. And the children took the card, turned around for privacy, and opened it.

Jo and Drew knew they were taking a chance. What if it turned out to be yet another brother for Ruby? Would she dissolve in sobs? Would it make things worse?

img_4129But when Ruby turned around and looked at her mom, she didn’t have to say a word. The answer was written all over her face.  A girl!

This time it was Daddy who was weeping with his awareness of the Lord’s fantastic timing of this special gift. Though Ruby’s grandma will soon be gone, a baby sister will soon be here.

But God wasn’t finished even yet.

Yesterday evening, Jo sat next to her own mom, Mary, in her dimly-lit bedroom, hoping she would be able to take in the good news about a little granddaughter coming. When she told the story, Mary broke into a broad grin. Then, with heavy eyes half-closed, she softly said, “Great… Congratulations!” And these turned out to be her last spoken words.

img_4131The pink rose Jo left on the nightstand is a steady reminder to Mary and all of us that God sure does give good gifts.

“If you, then…. know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11)