Category Archives: Adult Children

A Mentor’s Methods

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The TeacherSince I’ll be traveling for a few days, I’m re-posting 3 blogs about mentoring and what a good mentor looks like. Here’s the first:

Mentoring programs are big nowadays, but they’ve existed since ancient times. Elijah mentored Elisha. Moses mentored Joshua. Elizabeth mentored Mary. Paul mentored Timothy. And of course Jesus mentored his 12 disciples.

I’ve had several impactful mentors through the years, my parents among them. But the one who walked me through my adolescent immaturities and stuck with me until I was 60 was my Aunt Joyce (married to Dad’s brother). She let me live with her family three different summers in the 1960’s, gently counseling, instructing, and chiding me as needed.

My respect for her grew as I got older, taking on more common characteristics with her: marriage, motherhood, and other adult ups and downs. Aunt Joyce never preached. Instead she coaxed me into new ways of thinking for myself. She shared examples from her own life and was careful to include failures as well as successes. The fact that she would disclose her personal struggles to me always felt like a gift.

Aunt Joyce, 1Aunt Joyce never labeled herself a mentor, and it wasn’t until we’d been “working together” for years that I realized I was her mentoree. She had others, too, and in her later years complete strangers approached her through church contacts, requesting mentoring. She never turned them away and viewed each relationship as a holy privilege.

One of the reasons Aunt Joyce was effective was that she didn’t say, “You should… do this or that.” Instead she’d say, “Here’s something you might want to try,” or “This approach worked for me in similar circumstances.” She made it seem like the two of us were in it together. And if my steady stream of questions and needs drained her, she never let on.

Of course the ultimate mentor is God, and he’s willing to partner with any of us desiring to be his mentorees. As with all good mentors, though, he leaves it up to us to take advantage of it.

Adam and Eve had it made with their daily mentoring sessions with him in the cool of each Eden evening. But despite their Mentor’s flawless advice, they only agreed with 90% of it. The 10% they tossed aside made a radical difference in their quality of life. We can contradict what our mentors tell us, ignore their counsel, or follow their advice and watch our lives change for the better.

Aunt Joyce lived a long, fruitful life and was a valuable mentor for one reason: her advice was always right-on. That’s because it came down to her from the Lord, which then allowed her to give her opinion with confidence.

I’ve tried to follow Aunt Joyce’s example in lots of ways, but the One she most hoped I would emulate was God himself, the ultimate in Mentors.

“One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” (Psalm 145:4)

Who, What and When

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One of the problems of having 7 children is trying to remember who I told what, when.

(Left to right: Nelson, Hans, Lars, Klaus; Linnea, Louisa, Birgitta)

The brothers

The sistersFor example, I might be planning a trip and tell one of my children about it as we’re conversing in my kitchen: “On such-and-such a date, I’m going to visit so-and-so.”

Then, while texting with another child later that day, I might send a similar message. The next day I might have a phone conversation with another one and say the same. Gradually the word spreads: “On such-and-such a date, Mom’s going to visit so-and-so.”

But then, after I’ve gone, sure as shootin’ one of my grown kids will say, “Where’s Mom? She hasn’t been home for 2 days!” That’s when a sibling will say, “Don’t you remember? She went on a trip.” Then the uninformed will respond with, “She never told me.”

That’s when one of the others will say, “Well, she told me 3 times.”

These days, iPhones make group-informing easier, but for many years remembering to let all 7 adult children know my plans was a chronic problem. Occasionally one of them would actually miss a family gathering because, “No one told me!” It was an awful dilemma.

I failed at communicating like this again recently, and today as I was chastising myself, God comforted me by reminding me of something special: “Remember, I’ll never do that to you.”

One of the Lord’s awesome characteristics is that he relates to each of his children one-on-one every time he wants to communicate something. It’s as if each of us is an only child, his only child. But that isn’t all.

The heavensSimultaneously, while relating to one of us at a time, he’s also keeping track of his personal interactions with every person who lives on the earth. And it doesn’t stop there, because he’s also one-on-one with those who’ve died and are already living in Paradise with him… from the first-ever man and woman through to today.

Thus, the total number of his one-on-one relationships is astronomical, yet he is continually keeping careful track of each one, what he’s told, what he hasn’t.

My 7 children have good reason to wonder if they’re missing out on something I’ve told the others but not them. But God’s children don’t ever have to feel insecure about that. He’ll never fail to let us know everything we need to know.

This is reassuring, especially when I’m waiting to hear from him and don’t. I can be encouraged by picturing my Heavenly Parent looking me straight in the eyes and telling me the important stuff. And if I still have lingering questions or am craving more info, I should remember that I don’t have it only because I don’t yet need it. He’ll tell me when his timetable says he should.

He won’t ever forget to inform me. And if I miss the details, it’ll only be because I didn’t remember what he already said.

“Then I remembered what the Lord had said.” (Acts 11:16)

Traveling Light…. and Light-hearted

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Today I dropped Nelson off at a train with a snow-packed underside and steps so ice-encrusted the conductor had to chip and shovel before letting anyone off or on.

Seasoned traveler.A train trip to Chicago’s O’Hare Airport is the first leg of Nelson’s convoluted 3 day journey that will land him in north India. As he walked toward the platform, I said, “You look like a seasoned traveler.” In his cap and carefully-chosen, layered clothes, his expert planning would efficiently make the transition from Michigan’s single-digit cold to India’s warmth. His only luggage for many months was a backpack.

With a double blast from the diesel engine, he was gone.

Though I stood by my car waving till he was out of sight, once behind the wheel again, I burst into tears. My heart is genuinely joyful for Nelson’s departure for one reason: his steps have been specifically directed by God. But my emotions were objecting.

Leaning toward the facts, I reminded myself that the Lord has carefully led Nelson to this day. Here are just two of the many ways we knew that:

1. After having applied for a visa to India and wondering whether or not it would come through, Nelson was cleaning out some old files and came across a folder of foreign paper money. And though he has traveled extensively in more than a dozen countries, the only money in the file was rupees from India.

Rupees

2. He applied for a 10 year, multiple-entry visa but was mentally prepared for something much less, maybe a 90 day visa with limited entry. Or even a 30 day with one entry. But the 10 year visa came through on exactly the day he’d expected it.

There were other indications this was God’s plan for Nelson, too, so as my tears trickled, I reminded myself of the privilege of releasing this son to do the work he’s been called to do. And I pictured my Aunt Joyce sitting next to me in the car telling me to stop crying and thank God for all the blessings of being Nelson’s mother.

His instruction is to give thanks no matter what’s going on around us, plus or minus. A heart of gratitude is to be grounded in the Lord, not in how we feel at any given moment. And his blessing covers everything from eternal salvation to a pair of warm gloves. Not even the saddest circumstances are devoid of something for which to be thankful.

As for counting the blessings of being Nelson’s mother, at the top of my list was having a son whose highest priority is to follow God’s will for his life. That led me to be thankful he boarded the train. Had Nelson seen my tears and then cancelled his trip, I would have been disappointed…. and so would God.

Besides, by the time I got home from the station, my blessing-list was long, and my tears were long-gone.

“A wide door for effective work has opened to me.” (1 Corinthians 16:9)