Category Archives: Adult Children

God’s Balancing Act

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In communicating with my children today about their father on this 5th anniversary of his death, several of them asked if I was sad or happy in my rememberng. The accurate answer is “yes”. Sad in wishing Nate was still here, but happy because of a very special photo that came my way via text message.

British Baby 5Hans and Katy, busy with their young family across the ocean, sent a good report about their unborn baby by way of a picture taken today during their first ultrasound. When I opened the photo, I gasped a bit of delight over the high quality and good angle of this image, the perfect profile of a new family face.

Hans and Katy’s 5th child, my 10th grandchild, is expected in May of 2015, and seeing that little person so clearly today was a joy that balanced out the lingering sadness about Nate. Rather than having a roller-coaster day of ups and downs, it was a day planted between the extremes. And isn’t that the way God usually does things?

When we receive bad news, it’s often followed by something good. The opposite is true, too, good coming first, and bad after that. Our heavenly Father works at balancing our days, and if we watch for it, we’ll see it. But that part, the watching part, can be a problem. Making note of the bad things is easy. We don’t miss a one. Noticing the good ones doesn’t come as readily. Why is that?

Maybe it’s because in our deepest hearts we think we ought to experience one good thing after another, and when something bad happens, we feel we have every right to object. “Why did God let that happen? How could he be so harsh with me? What did I do to deserve this?”

At the root of our reasoning, though, is a pride that says, “If I was God, I would have done that differently.” In other words, “I think I know better than God on this issue.”

Never.

Admittedly, it’s difficult to accept the bad stuff with a good attitude. I know I’ll be working on that for the rest of my life. Just this afternoon while running errands, tears came while I was driving, when I recognized a way in which I’d acted pridefully toward the Lord by thinking the opposite of the way I should have. I need much more practice, and thankfully God is willing to give it.

Just right

And so, as this emotional day ends, God has me solidly in the middle of sorrow and joy, bad and good, sad and happy, in a balance that feels just right.

 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

Marking Time

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My October calendar looks like party-central: eight birthdays, two anniversaries, one birth (yesterday’s blog), two bon voyage parties, and one doggie birthday.

???????????????????????????????A special birthday this past weekend belonged to little Emerald as she turned two. She’s at that wonderful age of discovery (including that fire is hot!), and is half baby and half runaround-kid. Most delightful to witness is her language development and her gradual improvement in conversing with the adults in her life.

Never mind that we don’t understand most of what she says. Her voice inflection is just like ours, and eventually we’ll figure out what she’s talking about!

Emerald isn’t the only one making significant progress. It’s been a long two years for Birgitta as a single mom, since she’s trying to do full time college, part time jobs, and full time mothering.

When I think of her diligence in managing her many commitments, I’m reminded of the Scripture verse in Isaiah that tells us the best way to accomplish things is “line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little.” (28:10) That’s the way Birgitta is getting it all done, by making wise use of every hour of every day.

During Emerald’s party we reminisced about one year ago on her first birthday and also two years back on her day of birth. Of course she’s made dramatic leaps in her development between those milestones as all babies do, but pausing to think about them was a healthy exercise for all of us older party guests.

???????????????????????????????Life happens one year at a time but more importantly, one minute at a time. The sooner we become conscious of that and then of using our minutes wisely, the better off we’ll be. Not that we shouldn’t relax or party with some of those minutes, but the scriptural principle is that we’re to number our days… and hours.

I’ve learned a great deal by observing Emerald, but even more by watching her mommy. If we set wise goals and inch toward them day by day (line on line), then after a year has passed, significant progress will have been made.

One of my personal goals for the coming days is to pay closer attention to my conversations with Emerald. Maybe that way I’ll eventually figure out what in the world we’re talking about.

First thing in the morning, [a good woman] dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, and is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. (Proverbs 31:15,18 – The Message)

Predicting the Future

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I feel like I’m living in a crystal ball and have the ability to predict the future. That’s because I’m thinking about 5 years ago at this time and know what happened next.

On this date, October 20, Nate was two weeks from his death. We all knew the situation was severe, but none of us knew the end would come so soon.

Nate's last birthday.I’ve been reading last year’s blogs, and today we were signing Hospice papers, including the most emotional one, a living will. Our children demonstrated great strength that day when I was feeling weak, stepping forward to sign as witnesses beneath their father’s signature on the document. Could there be any more difficult task in the life of a child?

But surprisingly, in examining the negatives of those days 5 years ago, several striking positives have emerged:

1. First of all, new waves of appreciation for Nate have washed over us. Once someone is gone, all petty grievances disappear. It’s easy to focus on the good, and all of us are wholeheartedly thankful for Nate, without the slightest reservation.

2. The second positive has been fresh gratitude toward God, who repeatedly pulled us out of a sea of sadness and set our feet on solid ground. When everything else was stormy, the Lord kept us calm, and that included Nate. God showed his involvement daily and kept every scriptural promise. He didn’t stop the cancer, but he held us close throughout the ordeal, and does so still.

3. A third positive is becoming aware of the progress over these 5 years. Today we’re all veterans of grief. It was hard work, lasted a long time, and involved plenty of tears. But each of us has increased in our understanding of what it’s like to mourn someone we love. We’ve also learned that the process includes times of well-being and peace, side-by-side with sorrow.

4. Because of our experience in losing Nate, all of us can commiserate with others who’ve lost someone special, which is positive number four. We can say, “I know how you feel” to a hurting friend and mean it.

5. Five years ago, our days were packed with problems, losses, and emergencies. We had no time to process what was happening or think too deeply about it. The demands of each day called for putting one foot in front of the other and getting through “just barely.” Now, because life has regained routine, we have the time to ponder, an important positive.

6. And one more: we have a stronger focus on eternity. Part of the October 20th blog 5 years ago was the detailing of a new strategy: we decided that day to start talking about heaven. I wrote, “The time has come to shine a spotlight on his brightest hope.”

It’s true none of us lives in a crystal ball, but because we know the Lord, we can accurately predict that our separation from Nate is only temporary. The future sees us together again in heaven, and focusing on that is positive indeed.

”I give [my sheep] eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:28)