Category Archives: Adult Children

Loosening Our Grip

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Back in July when I learned my family of 20 might all be in the same place at the same time come September, I did a little happy dance. This would be a treat we rarely get to have, mostly because 6 of us live in England and 6 in Florida.

As the visit approached, we were especially eager since the 9 young cousins were finally old enough to begin engaging in ways that wouldn’t fade by the time they gathered again:

9 cousinsL to R: Skylar (6) holding Isaac (7 months), Nicholas (5) holding Andrew (15 months), Micah (4), Evelyn (4), Thomas (4), Autumn (2), Emerald ( 23 months).

One thing high on my list of priorities was to get a picture of all 20 of us together, and with a camera inside every phone, I figured that wasn’t asking too much. I even talked to Mary about it. “Hey,” she said. “Your family is already on Stina’s list for the wedding photographer, so it’ll be easy!”

My heart soared.

That, however, was when God entered the conversation, prompting me to think along other lines. “I want you to surrender that picture,” he said. “Let go of that goal.”

“Why?” I said. “It’s coming together effortlessly!”

He gave no reason, but my strong sense was that I should follow his instructions. When I shared with Mary she said, “Oh don’t worry. It’ll get done. You’ll see.”

Sometimes God does this kind of thing though. He waits till we really, REALLY want something badly, then asks us to hand it over to him for what appears to be no good reason.

A picture is a small thing compared to many other things (or people) we could long for, but in my heart I really wanted it. Nevertheless, I began talking myself down. “So, what’s the worst thing that will happen if you don’t get the picture? It won’t be the end of the world, will it? Just do what God wants. If it doesn’t happen, at least you will have been prepared.”

And so, after a good deal of mental haranguing, I gave it up…. just as the stomach flu arrived. On the wedding day, Stina’s photographer did line us up for a picture, but it was less than satisfying, since 2 were home sick. But I heard God whisper, “Being prepared made it easier, didn’t it?” As always, he was right.

The next day, Mary and Bervin invited everyone to return to the wedding site for brunch and a baseball game. Even the bride and groom were there, and we were all enjoying the day when someone said, “Hey, Nymans. How ‘bout a family photo, since you’re all here today?”

Our familyAnd isn’t that just like God? When we surrender something we badly want, he often gives it right back to us.

“Nothing…. will ever be able to separate us from the love of God.” (Romans 8:39)

Length of Days

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“September Song” is the title of an old tune written for a Broadway show in 1938, and one of its lines says, “It’s a long, long while from May to December, but the days grow short when you reach September.” As sunrises and sunsets go, that’s true.

Stina and EvanBut this September, which is in the record books as of today, my niece Stina got married in the middle of the month. And as God would have it, our whole relation came together for the event. Though September days may be growing shorter, we packed a-lotta-livin’ into each one.

Our family has had lots of weddings, but not everyone has been able to attend each event. This time, though, all 49 of us came together to witness and celebrate Stina and Evan’s marriage. But the other reason we assembled was all about the mother of the bride.

Post-opLast February Mary was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In March she had the extensive Whipple surgery at Mayo Clinic, ridding herself of a baseball-size tumor as well as parts of her pancreas, intestine, gall bladder, and bile duct-work. The surgery was textbook-perfect, and no other cancer was found in the many scans that followed.

Chemotherapy began in May, and this week she completed the 16th of 18 infusions. She’s on the home stretch, and we are all quick to say the end is in sight, not just the end of chemo but the end of cancer. Yet no doctor will use the beautiful word “cured.” Mary herself hasn’t been disappointed by that, testifying that God has taught her a couple of important things since February: (1) to be grateful for each day she’s given, and (2) to live each one to the fullest.

When a cancer diagnosis is handed to a loved one, the whole relation joins into the misery of adjusting to it. And an overwhelming instinct is to rush toward that cherished one, hurrying into her presence with an urgency that feels like she might disappear any second.

None of us has a guarantee that we’ll live on and on, but part of cancer’s wickedness is to hang a permanent threat above the head of the diagnosed one. And when we love that person dearly, cancer becomes a threat to us all. That, I believe, is one reason every family member worked hard to clear schedules, buy plane tickets, pack for old and young alike, and make it to Stina and Evan’s wedding.

???????????????????????????????The days grow short when you reach September, but God tells us the “length of days” is shortening for all of us, every day of every month, not just in September. Day by day, hour by hour, we’re all on a sliding scale of “time remaining.”

Once we accept that, the whole group of us (along with anyone else in a cancer-touched family) becomes empowered to step out from under the threatening cancer-cloud hanging overhead. And it’s reason enough for 48 of us to learn what Mary has learned by way of her cancer: to be thankful for each day of life we’re given, and to live them all to the fullest.

Cling to the Lord your God, for He is your life and the length of your days. (Deuteronomy 30:20)

Letting Go

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Most parents face a bit of angst when it comes time to let a child go. The first really big “go” is off to college, a tough goodbye for most of us. But it helps to recognize we’ve been letting go in small ways during the 18 years leading up to that, each one a bit of training for the bigger go-moments.

The first is letting go of our babe-in-arms, encouraging him/her to grow into a toddler who prefers to walk. Little by little they go – to the church nursery, preschool, kindergarten, summer camp, and we find ourselves on the outside looking in. As time passes, they go farther and farther from us, the natural order of things. But they aren’t the only ones we have to let go of.

We also say goodbye to parents, mentors, friends, pastors and others. Each positive relationship that ends includes a negative go-moment. But the old expression, “When God closes a door, he opens a window,” is true. Again and again he shows us that letting go of one thing brings us to something new.

Two Ton BakerWhen I was a grade-schooler in the 1950’s, I loved a 350-pound TV personality who called himself Two-Ton Baker. We became friends through a tiny, round screen, because Two-Ton loved kids. Occasionally he’d have one on his show, and the child was always invited to grab a handful of candy from a giant glass jar. But a clenched fist of goodies could never fit back through the small opening, requiring him/her to let some of the candy go to pull out of the jar.

The same thing happens when we hold onto someone or something after it’s time to let go. Our loss seems greater the tighter we cling. By hanging on, we lose the chance for a positive send-off, which is like losing all the candy, not just a bit of it.

There are some go-moments, though, that just never go well: when they’re next to a casket. The slam of that closed door really hurts. A window may be opening, but we can’t see it through our tears.

Lonely JesusGod knows how difficult it is to let go. He let go of Jesus for 33 years after they’d been joined in a closeness we can’t comprehend. And Jesus let go of his Father while simultaneously imposing human limitations on himself. He also let go of royalty and riches to live in poverty. The reason? Love for us.

Letting go is always emotionally draining. For a Christian who lets go of a loved one through death, however, the emotional pain will one day abruptly end.  The separation is only temporary, just as it was for God the Father and God the Son.

They endured. We can endure.

Because some day all our go-moments will be gathered into one eternal coming-together.

“God blesses you who weep now, for in due time you will laugh.” (Luke 6:21)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. Thanks for prayers about tomorrow’s chemo infusion, for a good vein and no nausea.
  2. Praise God this will be #16 of 18 infusions!