Category Archives: Adult Children

But mine are best.

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Many parents say they were blessed with the best kids in the world, my own mom included. But tonight it’s my kids’ turn.

Today was my birthday, but as Dad used to say on his own birthday, “What’s all the fuss about? Everyone has one of these every year.” Even so, I was feted to a dinner party, was given gifts, had a sleepover in downtown Chicago, ate lunch at a sidewalk café, and enjoyed the Broadway musical “Million Dollar Quartet,” watching it from a 2nd row seat. It was quite a birthday!

On top of all that, like cherries on the proverbial sundae, I heard from all 7 of my children, a gift of immeasurable value.

Back in 1973 when I was a new mother, if someone had asked, “What would ‘the best kids in the world’ look like?” my answer would have been something like this: those who obey every rule, get straights A’s in school, and sit quietly in church.

But when Nate’s and my parenting didn’t produce 7 children exactly like that, it didn’t bother us. That’s because we ended up with 7 deeply meaningful relationships with our now-adult children.

Every parent wants to see his/her children turn out to be “the best in the world.” So how do we get them there? What bottom-line do we want for them? Those of us who are Christians hope each of them will one day land in heaven, because that’s where we plan to be, and we want to be there together. Second to that, though, what’s our strongest desire for them?

“The best” kids will have probably developed good character. For example, all of us are thrilled when we see our children sticking with commitments they’ve made or working hard without complaint. We’re all pleased when they make decisions with wisdom or exercise self-control. And it’s gratifying to watch them put the needs of others ahead of their own.

As I thought about these important character qualities in relation to my children, I smiled to realize each of them have evidenced some of all of those… today. And then I thought of holding myself to the same high standard and recognized that it’s a lifelong project, for me and also for them. None of us will ever have flawless character, but we can all work steadily toward it.

God watches our efforts from the vantage point of character perfection. And I like to think that just as I got excited today when my children demonstrated some of those good qualities in caring for their mom, the Lord must be enthused when he sees a glimmer of that same character development in me.

But I’ll work on all that tomorrow. Today was a day to marvel at my children, but of course that stands to reason, because they’re the “best kids in the world!”

“Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth.” (2 Timothy 2:15)

Wall Art

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Years ago a good friend was walking through our Illinois home after we’d completed some renovations and said, “Everything looks good, but the only art on your walls is pictures of your kids.”

I had to admit we’d probably overdone that. Every child was represented in every room, including bathrooms. I responded to him with humor, saying our children were our artwork, and Nate chimed in with a statement about how big the price tag was for such art.

But when we moved to Michigan, there were fewer rooms to decorate and far fewer walls. So I thought I’d show some restraint by not nailing up our children all over the place, deciding instead to give the seven of them one framed wall-picture apiece. Choosing the pictures was easy.

Because there will be no more photos taken with Nate, those we do have with him are precious, maybe even qualifying now as works of art. So I decided the seven kids’ pictures would all be father-and-child. The result is hanging in the hallway at the top of our steep, narrow stairway with a quote from the Bible’s love chapter written above them:

“Now abideth faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Cor. 13:13)

Many times each day I walk past these seven hanging frames with their accompanying verses and sometimes stop to study them. I enjoy looking into Nate’s face and like the way he’s got his arms wrapped around each child in the pictures. It’s an effective way to re-appreciate everything he did for his family, and to be continuously thankful for him.

Linking it with a verse about love reminds me of Nate’s love for his children, which was unstoppable.  I hope none of them ever doubt that, since they know he would have done anything for them to make their lives better (and often did).

A piece of mental artwork my mind treasures is the love Nate demonstrated toward his children on the day he received his diagnosis of metastasized pancreatic cancer. As he and I drove home from the doctor’s appointment that day, his first priority was to personally tell each of his children of his illness, one-on-one.

This was no small task for a man who’d just been clobbered with a death sentence, but he did it. He had to press through his own emotional pain seven times on seven phone calls in order to be present with each one during that difficult moment when they received the bad news. He had his arms around them as best he could.

And that’s true love.

Maybe the key to the most valuable artwork for any wall is the combination of people-pictures and scriptural words. God’s one-on-one love for all people is unstoppable, and he wants to be present during every traumatic moment of our lives if we’ll let him, to wrap “the greatest of these” loving arms around us.

As for the walls in the heavenly home he’s preparing for those who love him? I’ll bet every wall will be covered with us.

“How amazing are your thoughts concerning me, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.” (Psalm 139:17-18)

Rigid Rules

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Growing up in a Christian home was a benefit, despite my not appreciating it at the time. My conservative parents wouldn’t let my siblings and I go to the movies (“an immoral industry”) or use playing cards (“tools of gamblers”) or dance (“worldly nonsense”). Our music choices were closely monitored, and as for no smoking and drinking? They didn’t even rate an explanation.

By today’s standards my brother, sister, and I were forced to live a narrow, regimented lifestyle. Of course we eventually tested what life was like apart from that parental list of no-no’s and in the end landed a bit short of them. But the older I get, the more I see that high standards are better than low ones.

Mom and Dad believed in scriptural principles. Although they understood the Bible’s concept of living under grace rather than law, they also touted the 10 commandments as a wise, healthy way to live. The two generalized “new” commandments given by Jesus in the New Testament were fleshed out, they said, in the Old Testament’s one-through-ten.

Most people balk at that list of laws or, for that matter, at any rules. The minute we’re told what we can’t do, we want to do it. Of course the root problem is that we all want to direct our own destinies, because it goes against us to take orders from anyone else. We say, “It’s my life, and I’ll live it any way I want.”

Sometimes I think God sets forth a list of should’s and shouldn’ts as a test. He says, “I know this makes you bristle, but because it’s Me asking you, will you trust that it’ll turn out best if you just do it?” We suck air between our teeth and wince, wanting to make him happy but hoping we can do it without having to fully comply.

It helps us to know Jesus never told his followers, “You’d better… or else!”

He left it up to them. Sometimes, after he had delivered the goods, people would turn on their heels and walk away. Although Jesus didn’t try to stop them, we can see disappointment tucked between the lines of Scripture. It wasn’t that he needed their loyalty or devotion. Divinity doesn’t need anything. It was that he felt sadness for them. Rejecting his message meant embracing a much less satisfying life, not to mention what might happen in the next world.

I’m fairly sure my parents were motivated by much the same kind of thinking God had as they studied his rules and then came up with their own. They were doing their best to set their children on a path toward wise, fulfilling futures. Though we struggled to break free of their restrictions at the time, we had to admit the intentions behind the rules were laced with love, the rules initiated by Mom and Dad…

…and the ones initiated by God.

“The trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me.” (Romans 7:14)