Pushing Forward

Posted on November 8, 2011 by Margaret

Our family has now passed the 2^nd anniversary of Nate’s death. Before I left for California last week, I sent a group email to my children (7 kids, 2 in-law kids), detailing how I was feeling about the anniversary and where I was in my grieving, asking if they would please share how they were doing, too.

Reading through their responsive messages as they came to my inbox, my heart was flooded with love and hope. So, as an encouragement to all of you who wonder if your grief will ever lift, here are snippets from their heartfelt emails. (Since I’m doing this without permission, their names have been withheld.)

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There were so many things we loved about Papa. His dedication to us all and so many others was obvious by the way he worked so determinedly and freely gave himself to the work God entrusted to him. He cared for you, Mom, so well, and all of us were unconditionally blessed to have had such a great father.
I’ve been good at moving forward as a person, but some days it just doesn’t feel right to move forward without Papa. It’s a strange feeling that’s difficult to put into words. I guess I feel like the more time goes by, the more I lose him for good.
Things come out as time goes on. I feel sad and miss him most when I’m far away. Nonetheless, I’m happy for all the time we had together.
He has “missed” 2 years of our family, growing, changing, and experiencing life. I have to choose not to dwell on that or it overwhelms me with sadness.
I’m very thankful we were all together when Papa was sick and when he died.
This second year I’ve been remembering more of the good things about that time. All the family dinners by the fire, the food people made for us, the way the Petersons were right there with us (esp. Bervin and Mary), and the last conversations we had with Papa.
He was a gracious person to me, and that was God’s character shining through.
Papa was an original.
I feel thankful for the years I had with Papa and all he did to make my life happy and full of blessing. I’m thankful for all he did to make my life that way even now, after he’s been gone. I’m also thankful to be able to fall back on the thought of seeing him again someday.
I miss Papa a lot, and sometimes it feels really unfair that he’s gone. We can’t call him or ask for advice or hear his laugh. But as he would say, “That’s life, kid,” and he’d push forward. So that’s what we have to do. Push forward.
Papa showed us there was humor to be found even in the seriousness of life, and he laughed at strange things, but mostly he laughed at himself.
It’s hard to surpass Papa’s generosity.
I love remembering how warm and sunny it was the day of the funeral and how so many people who loved Papa came to pay their respects. I also remember how your stocking, Mom, was sliding down at the graveside, and you didn’t want to stand up to throw the rose because of it. Even during one of the saddest moments, God gave us something to laugh about.
Papa was a scholar, a hard worker, selfless, had limitless generosity, a godly man, a loving man, and he is being rewarded now for all these things.
I still miss him and think of him every day.
I wish we weren’t spread out across the globe. It seems like we should all be in the house together on Thursday night, sitting in a circle by the fire, eating Chinese and talking about Papa.
In Philippians, Paul is at the end of his life and seems to know it. To be at the end and talk about rejoicing and how his life was “poured out like a drink offering” for the faith of others, made me think of Papa.
I am who I am partly because of the father I had.
My overall feeling today is gratitude and respect for Papa.
Today I feel sad but very loved.
Papa will always be missed while we are still at home in the body. It’s difficult now to go on without him, but it’s such a joy and comfort to know that a day will come when we will be reunited in the presence of Jesus.

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“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Operation Quality Time

Posted on November 7, 2011 by Margaret

When we get together with our California cousins, there may be minimal kissin’ but there’s always lots of huggin’ as we renew relationships. We were raised through our formative years one block apart in the Chicago neighborhood of Sauganash, living in and out of each other’s houses day to day. Our dads also shared ownership of a small Michigan summer cottage, and the 7 of us frolicked on the beach together, bonding like siblings.

When our uncle decided to leave Chicago for a dream job in Los Angeles, our cousin-world shattered while we watched their family pack up and go. But over the years, our 4 parents put forth great effort to keep relationships fresh by arranging for us to criss-cross the country again and again to spend chunks of time together. When I hit the college years, I got to live and work with these sibling-like cousins for 3 delightful summers.

Now, as we all careen through middle age with old age coming into view, our 4 parents have graduated to heaven. But the ties that bind seem more significant than ever. Mary, Tom and I just returned from week in California with these cousins, dubbing our trip “Operation Quality Time.”

Just studying each other’s faces was a reminder that time is rushing along and will one day run out for each of us. Although some of us had to radically rearrange schedules to put 5 free days together, we determined we’d fight obstacles as long as possible in a continuing effort to carve out chunks of togetherness.

So what’s the strong pull? What’s worth plane tickets, car rentals, turning the world upsidedown, and adjusting to a different time zone?

Love.

Everybody likes to spend time with the ones they love. The pull is powerful. But our capacity to love is nothing compared to God’s. He’s drawn to us much like we’re drawn to our cousins but with a far greater intensity and depth. In Scripture he refers to himself as abounding in love toward us, which means overflowing with more love than we could ever absorb.

God describes his love as unfailing, priceless, and purposely directed toward people. He says he’ll love us beyond the end of time and that he’ll never pick and choose to love some and not others. He loves the whole world and will do so throughout eternity.

Now that our California visit has ended, the cousin-resolve to see each other again is strong, because our time together renewed our love.

But God’s love never needs renewing. Thankfully, it remains strong always, in all ways.

“The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.” (Deuteronomy 7:9)

Divine Strategizing

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Margaret

With age comes wisdom, and at 93, my friend Milton has an abundance of it. Mary, Tom and I are spending 5 days in California with 4 first cousins who hail from Pasadena, Santa Barbara, and Hesperia. In our travels between these dear ones, we had the privilege of spending this afternoon with Milton in Riverside, an hour’s drive inland from Los Angeles. Although he isn’t technically a relative, the two of us are related in the Lord.

Milton and I first became friends after I found myself enamored with his son at 19, well before Nate. Although that dating relationship went by the wayside, in the process I’d made a lifelong buddy of his father, and Milton and I have kept tabs on each other for 47 years.

Today is the second anniversary of Nate’s departure to heaven, and as the hours passed, the significance of November 3^rd was continually on my mind. Milton understood. He’s endured the heartache of losing not one but two spouses, Margie to cancer and Eva to Alzheimer’s. Yet his servant-heart sought no credit for nursing both of them through years of difficult disease.

I asked Milton about the time between his marriages. “What made you decide to marry a second time?”

His words revealed his character. “Well,” he said, smiling broadly, “I look back on that decision and see that God was really the one who made it. He knew Eva would need a husband to help her through Alzheimer’s, and he figured I could do that.” Although it got severe toward the end when she no longer knew Milton or even accepted him as her husband, he was in it for the duration.

Today Milton said something sweet. “You know, God knew you needed to marry Nate, too.” And he was right. God knows what we need ahead of time and strategizes accordingly, laying the groundwork for the decisions we will one day make. Then, when the time comes, he’s ready for every situation and better yet, has made us ready as well.

God knew Milton’s wives would need a strong man to carry them through end-stage traumas, so he brought each couple together at the right time to make that work. And he knew I would need Nate’s stabilizing influence, so he put us into each other’s lives at the right moment to make that work, too.

Today as I thought about Nate’s death, I appreciated my friend Milton’s 93 years of wisdom in pointing out my need for him and how God brought us together. I also was reminded of God’s infinity-years of wisdom and the fact that he offers it freely to all of us as we make important decisions. Just as he guided Milton and me, he’s eager to plan for anyone else who wants to take advantage of the divine strategizing he offers.

”The Lord works out everything to its proper end.” (Proverbs 16:4a)