Category Archives: Adult Children

Far Far Away

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This afternoon I enjoyed an hour on the phone with Nelson when he called from the New Zealand base of Youth With A Mission where he’s working. New Zealand is about as far from Michigan as anyplace, but the connection between our two cell phones was flawless, as if he was calling from next door.

After we talked about incidentals, we got into a meaty conversation about committing our lives to Christ and what that means day-to-day. We agreed it’s a rare moment when any of us is 100% committed. Most of us hold back a few things we’d rather not surrender, leaving us maybe 98% committed. So, is there a loss for such an almost-committed person?

We agreed God usually lets us do our own thing but then might withhold the empowering he was ready to give us if we’d been all-out for him, the Spirit-power to accomplish something amazing with eternal benefit to ourselves or others. We agreed it’s possible to be 100% for a day… or maybe an hour… or more likely two minutes. It’s the thought-life that smudges us and brings us down.

I love talking to Nelson about spiritual things and miss our nightly conversations in front of the fireplace. Actually I miss conversations with all of my kids, especially when we “go deep” like we did today. It’s satisfying to wrestle together with some of life’s thorny issues, particularly when Scripture factors into the discussion.

I like to say I have 7 + 2 + 5 children: 7 kids, 2 in-law children and 5 grandchildren. And 13 of those 14 live far, far away.

Klaus:                     1 mile(s)

Lars:                       95    “

Birgitta:                   255   ”

Linnea and family:     1160  ”

Hans and family:       3941  ”

Louisa:                    4418 ”

Nelson:                    8838  ”

Today while talking with Nelson, I tried to think away from the knowledge that he was almost 10,000 miles away. Dwelling on the distance of my family members is non-productive. It’s actually unnerving.

A better idea is to enjoy a good cell connection and a lengthy conversation. A wise friend once told me, “Receive what you’re given and don’t wish for more.”

Always wishing for more comes naturally, but unfortunately, that mindset erodes the value of what’s currently being given. It’s also a good example of holding back 2% from God.

I can bellyache about my kids being far away, focusing on the negative, or I can delight in their frequent calls, emails and thoughtful attentions toward me. I can be thankful they work hard at staying current with each other and that no barriers lie between any of us. I can appreciate that each is working hard at a meaningful pursuit. I can rejoice in phone conversations of substance, and be glad they all come home whenever they can.

And tonight I can smile broadly, knowing Birgitta is driving in my direction, as she begins her spring break!

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15)

Letting Go, Part II

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Last night, as Birgitta drove the five hours back to her college campus on icy roads, I stayed nervous until her text came through: “Just got here.” After that, I could breathe.

Life insists on our letting go of our children, but they aren’t the only ones. As we go through the years assigned to us, we have to say goodbye to parents, mentors, friends, pastors and others. Each positive relationship that has to end involves a negative go-moment.

The old expression, “When God closes a door, he opens a window,” means that when one situation ends, another begins. Every time we willingly let go of someone or something, we’re saying yes to whatever is outside that open window. Again and again God shows us that letting go of one thing opens up something else.

When I was a grade-schooler in the 1950’s, many of us walked home for lunch. Once in a while Mom would let us watch TV while we ate, and a 350-pound man who called himself Two-Ton Baker became our friend through the tiny, round screen.

Two-Ton loved kids, and occasionally he’d have one on his show to sing and banter with him. The child was always invited to grab a handful of candy from a giant glass jar, but a clenched fist full of goodies could never fit back through the small opening. The child would have to partially open his hand to get it out, thus letting go of some of the candy.

This is what happens when we try to hold onto someone or something after it’s time to let go. Our loss seems much greater the tighter we cling. Most departures have to happen anyway, and by hanging on, we lose the chance for a positive send-off. It’s as if we lose all the candy, not just some of it.

Sometimes, however, a go-moment just can’t go well. When a letting-go takes place next to a casket, it’s all negative. Someone precious has gone, and the slam of that closed door hurts deeply. A window may be opening, but we can’t see it through our crying.

God knows how difficult it is to let go. He let go of Jesus for 33 years after they’d been joined in a closeness we can’t begin to comprehend. And Jesus let go of his Father while simultaneously imposing human limitations on himself. He also let go of divinity and royalty to live in poverty. Their separation must have been excruciating, and yet they planned it and did it. The reason? Love of us.

Letting go is always an emotionally draining process. For a Christian who lets go of a loved one through death, however, the emotional pain will one day end abruptly.  Our separation is only temporary, just as it was for God the Father, and God the Son.

They endured. We can endure.

Because some day all our go-moments will be gathered up into one eternal coming-together.

“God blesses you who weep now, for in due time you will laugh.” (Luke 6:21b)

Making a Good Impression

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Bookstore shelves are loaded with parenting titles, but the one I like best is a 1979 book by Anne Ortlund: CHILDREN ARE WET CEMENT. It’s a powerful statement with accurate parenting implications.

When workers poured the concrete for our patio 28 years ago, our five children each pressed their palms into the wet cement, along with a quarter from their birth years. I pressed in a penny dated that year, 1986, next to the line-up of hands, to mark the date those childhood palms were set. As soft as the concrete was when we touched it, shortly thereafter it became rock-hard and has been that way ever since. Without the use of a jack-hammer, the hand impressions are permanent.

As children arrive into our families, they’re soft and impressionable, “wet” with potential. Parenting them is the most important assignment we’ll ever get, a serious responsibility given to us by the Person who created every baby and has specific plans for each life. The way we live in front of them leaves a permanent mark.

While spending time with my grandchildren this week, I’ve seen again how supple the mind of a child really is. Children spend the lion’s share of their waking hours imitating the rest of us. If we open a kitchen drawer, as soon as we close it, a watching child opens it again, following our example.

Little ones don’t need a reason to imitate us. They do it instinctively. We own the power to be examples for good or evil, an enormous responsibility that should cause us to keep our lives clean as we go along.

Modeling well in front of one and two year olds is easy. In front of teenagers it’s more difficult. 

But we do our best, because we want to give our children the strongest possible springboard into adulthood. Despite multiple failures and a list of if-only’s, we keep trying. Knowing we’re being carefully watched is a strong motivator!

As a child of God, I wonder if I’m carefully watching Jesus in the same way. Do I study his life and try to emulate him? Or do I dismiss that possibility, knowing I could never match him? Jesus instructed us to watch what he did, then copy it. Do I?

Of course I’m going to fall short, just as children fail to duplicate adult behavior. But that doesn’t keep them from trying, and the same should be true for me. Although I’ll never be able to exude the fruit of the Spirit as flawlessly as Jesus did, with practice I can improve.

Watching my grandchildren try, fail, and keep trying encourages me to do the same.

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.” (John 13:14-15)