Category Archives: Adult Children

Family Updates, Part I: Children

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Our seven children and two children-in-law are far-flung these days, but of course no one actually flung them. They are where they are because they made plans to be there. Many have asked, “Where is so-and-so now? What is he/she doing?” So here are the answers:

Nelson – After leaving our cottage last December 31, he joined the leadership of Youth With A Mission on what’s called an Around the World Discipleship Training School (DTS), based in New Zealand. He helped prepare students over a three month period for their global journey pursuing various mission projects in the months following. They began in South Africa and worked their way north to Morocco, ending in Jerusalem. They debriefed in Egypt, and this week Nelson is in Amman, Jordan. After a stop in England, he’ll arrive back at the cottage on Labor Day weekend, planning to lead another Around the World DTS in 2011.

Lars –When we learned of Nate’s cancer last September, he accepted an offer to transfer from his San Diego insurance company to a branch office in the Chicago area, in order to be near us. Working hard in a difficult sales market, he visits me often and frequently entertains friends from San Diego. He’s been my mainstay on paperwork and personal financial stuff, having a head for numbers that I don’t have.

Linnea and Adam – Living in Florida, they have visited me often since Nate died and will return again in September. During that month they’ll celebrate their 7th anniversary. Adam continues to work in the family contracting business, which is bouncing back after the difficult days most builders have experienced in recent years. Linnea is a stay-at-home mommy to Skylar and Micah, who will be the subject of tomorrow’s Part II update.

Klaus – Logistically closest to me, he lives one mile away and pops in regularly, asking, “Need anything done?” It’s reassuring to know help is nearby, when I need it. He works for a cousin-in-law in the building industry and is enjoying the extended family relationships that come along with the job.

Hans and Katy – They’re busy around the clock caring for three babies who all arrived in the same 15 month period. Hans is a gardener with more work than he needs, and also a school drum teacher. He teaches privately as well, with students coming to their house for lessons. Katy stays home with the little ones, who will be part of tomorrow’s Part II update on grandbabies. They’ve been married three years.

Louisa – This week she’s working on moving from Chicago to Michigan before leaving the midwest for a nine month school of intensive Bible study in Kona, Hawaii. She’ll be studying at the University of the Nations, which is the main campus of Youth With A Mission. Her coursework at the School of Biblical Studies (SBS) will finish in June of 2011.

Birgitta – Now settled in at the University of Iowa in Iowa City, she has begun an academic journey toward a degree in art therapy, a new and growing field of psychological counseling. After her year of working and living in Chicago near the Loop, school looks good again.

And those are our kids, Nate’s and mine. Although I started to write “those are my kids,” that just doesn’t seem right. Despite Nate’s absence, these 7 + 2 will always be “ours”. They have filled our coffers to overflowing.

”May the Lord bless you… all the days of your life; and may you live to see your children’s children.” (Psalm 28:5a,6a)

Daft on Rafts

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Waves, rafts and kids… a formula for fun. Today the girls celebrated Birgitta’s last vacation day before college by romping in heady Lake Michigan surf. Their laughter rose above the crash of the waves, and I had as much fun watching them as they had playing.

Churning white water presents three options: over, under or through. Leaping to jump or dive over a wave is a delight, offering a smooth ride down. Ducking under to let the turmoil of a breaking wave roll above you is especially good if you open your eyes and watch it pass.

But choosing to go through a wave, experiencing the full power of underwater chaos, is spectacular. Knowing you’ll come out the other side lets you submit with abandon.

Lake Michigan waves, admittedly friendlier than their bigger ocean counterparts, develop in the same way as the giant cousins. A new weather system bringing wind begins to stir calm water into a chop, which is followed by larger breakers. Bigger winds? Bigger waves.

Because of weather’s ongoing changes, we’re never sure when to pack the rafts for a day at the beach. But the rustling of trees along with a distant roar lets us know.

Like the continual change on the water’s surface, our family is adjusting to changes, too. The biggest one has been getting used to Nate’s absence. Ten of us have been working hard to calm our emotional waters over the past nine months. In many day-to-day ways also, a measure of chaos similar to white water has risen up and overwhelmed, just as big waves break over a swimmer on a raft.

Since last November, the “weather” of grief has shifted often, sometimes leaving us to tread water without a raft at all, which is exhausting. We’ve all felt like the next storm might swamp us completely, should it arrive too soon. But here we are, still afloat, making gradual progress through the waves.

Now we’re beginning to experience fresh winds of family change. Birgitta will become a first time university student. Nelson will return after circling the globe since last January while leading a YWAM group. Louisa will begin an intensive nine month Bible school, and Jack and I will regroup in an empty nest. Waves may develop, or there may be calm water ahead. It’s too soon to get the weather report.

But we aren’t alone in this. Everyone experiences change, and much of it involves waves. Waves of grief, waves of pressure, waves of work, waves of obstacles, waves of decisions.

Forty years ago we sang along with a Top 40 hit whose chorus went like this:

  • Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the waters.
  • Put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea.

It was good counsel then and is still good now. The mental picture of God’s big, sure grip on each of us as we toss about in the waves of change should remind us he’s pulling us through toward quieter waters.

As a matter of fact, God has plans to one day pull everybody out of the water completely. We’ll be done with going over, under or through any more waves of change. And when that happens, we can deflate our rafts for good.

“He leads me beside still waters.” (Psalm 23:2b)

Nesting on Empty

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The beach is busy these days, summer’s last hurrah for many families. Compared to the 13 week summer we had as kids, today’s students have a raw deal having to pull on their back packs during the dog days of August. Teachers, too, surely must regret the earlier start-dates.

For me, not much will change when most of the world jumps back into making lunches, driving carpools and doing homework. Although I’ll still have two school-attending children, one will be five hours away by car, the other five hours by plane. So my nest will officially be empty, which is neither good nor bad, just factual.

Although I’ve known for years this day would come, I figured I would still have Nate when it arrived. I knew it wouldn’t feel completely empty with my partner and friend on hand to share the start of this new time of life.

Mom used to caution us during the whirlwind years of raising children when we had as many as five different schools simultaneously and five schedules to honcho. “Don’t get so busy you forget about your beloved,” she’d say. “When the kids are grown and gone, you’ll be back to where you started, just the two of you.”

Without preparation, husbands and wives can arrive at the empty nest with fear and trembling. After so many years of intense co-parenting, it can feel funny to be reduced to  two.

“Who is this guy?” she’ll say.

“What did I ever see in this woman?” he’ll say.

What does God intend for this season of couple-life? For one thing, he hopes the leave-and-cleave rule will hold up under pressure. Also, the statement, “Two are better than one” should still be considered a blessing. And putting the interests of another ahead of our own should continue to work well. But alarm bells ought to ring if a couple suddenly thinks giving up is the easiest route to take.

When one of the couples we knew would announce a break-up, especially after being married several decades, Nate would shake his head and say, “He should have stayed with the wife of his youth.”

What if a husband and wife were told, “In the spring of 2015, one of you will die.” The conversations and deeds of today would be carefully and lovingly planned. Nothing would be taken for granted. Each day would be greeted with eagerness. Quitting would be unthinkable.

Nate and I had talked about what life would be like one distant day when all the kids were up and out. We knew there would be major adjustments, but we determined to make the most of it.  The only thing we never discussed was an empty nest with just one in it.

Twelve months ago, we knew nothing of terminal cancer. Nate’s last words on the subject of the empty nest were, “We don’t know what it’ll be like, but we know we’ll be in it together.”

God had other plans, but I love Nate for remaining loyal to the wife of his youth, right up until the very end.

“Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his… So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15)