Feeling Inadequate

IRS formsThere’s nothing like a 1040 form to make a non-mathematical person like me feel dim-witted, especially on a day when I had already been through one other brainless episode.

The first began innocently when Klaus dropped by to spend a couple of hours. I asked if he could teach me how to email a pdf document to someone, and he said, “Sure. No problem.”

An hour later, I was still practicing, working on my sixth try without success. After each failure (accompanied by groans of defeat) Klaus would patiently say, “Let’s try once more. You’ll get it this time.”

In the end I had to write down every step in order: “Look on the left of the screen; click on the 4th option down; a purple box will appear; scroll down to…” etc.

When Klaus would say, “Just fool around with it a little and try several things,” I felt like a hitchhiker being pushed out of a car in the Sahara Desert. I know I’ll get it someday, maybe even the next time I try, but without Klaus in the house, results are bound to be mixed.

H & R Block

Later the same day I was sitting with a tax expert at her H & R Block computer, thinking the only thing I’d be required to do was watch her work. How was I to know she was going to ask so many complicated questions?

It doesn’t take much for some of us to feel incompetent. That goes for spiritual things, too. Maybe especially for those.

Sometimes when studying the Bible I feel thick-in-the-head, unsure of what God is trying to say to me. But there’s more to it than just not understanding what a passage says. It also can be intimidating to open Scripture with the goal of trying to get “inside” the logic of God. That can feel really awkward or uncomfortable.

But what might his perspective be as we’re reading and studying… a trying? I’m just guessing, but I’d say he’s probably smiling, appreciating our efforts, even those that end with only partial understanding. Thankfully, he’s always been a Person who looks at our intentions rather than the results. (1 Samuel 16:7)

And intelligence probably has very little to do with it. Even feeling brainless is ok. After all, if a child can understand much of what the Bible says, nothing should stop the rest of us from trying, too, even those of us who feel dim-witted in front of a 1040 form.

The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.” (Psalm 14:2)

Stop the bleeding.

Sharp!Baby Emerald was injured this week. As Birgitta and I were bent over an old photo album with her sitting between us, in a flash she’d stuck her finger in a Coke can and sliced it on the opening. Birgitta tried to hold a Kleenex on her tiny finger, but Emerald was quick to yank it away, and blood began dotting the clothes on both of them.

To speed the clotting process, we chipped some ice and put it in a baggie, but holding it next to her petite finger proved impossible. The only thing to do was bandage it tight, despite the smallest Band-Aid being far too big. As the bleeding continued, we taped two fingers together, placing one bandage over the tops and another around the knuckles, but immediately Emerald put both fingers in her mouth. Choking on a bandage would only compound our problems.

Emerald's wound

We decided to put Emerald in her front pack and take a walk while Birgitta held onto her hand, giving the wound a chance to seal. But every so often she’d yank it away and shove her fingers into her mouth. Her powerful baby-sucking, even for a few seconds, increased the bleeding, and her Band-Aids quickly soaked with fresh blood.

Our last idea was to find a shirt that was too big for her, pull the sleeve over her hand, and pin it closed. But as we watched, the sleeve and safety pin went right to her mouth. Choking on a pin would be even worse than on a Band-Aid.

The sleeve remedy

Meanwhile Emerald kept bleeding. So I got my sewing kit, and while Birgitta held her injured hand tightly, I stitched across the end of her sleeve. She immediately put the whole thing in her mouth, but after we insisted she suck her pacifier instead of her shirt, the bleeding finally stopped.

Neither of us would ever hurt Emerald intentionally, and seeing her bright blood on the tissues and clothing caused great alarm. Yet there we were, mopping up after she’d been injured in our care.

Bleeding fingers have much in common with bleeding hearts. We try to live uprightly, but then something happens that makes us “bleed.” We hurt badly and desperately want the pain to stop, so we try all kinds of remedies: surrounding ourselves with people, or isolating ourselves; going on a shopping spree, or being unwilling to leave the house; eating too much, or not eating enough; refusing to face our pain, or thinking of nothing else.

But do we take advantage of the best way to stop a bleeding heart? Right after the injury we should pour our pain out to the heavenly Father, because his healing power trumps anything we could do on our own.

As for Emerald, we removed the shirt and Band-Aids at bedtime, and healing had begun. Of course we all know who was the One behind that.

“The people all tried to touch Jesus, because power was coming from him and healing them all.” (Luke 6:19)

Study it.

Thank you noteRecently Birgitta and I received several pieces of thank-you-mail from 4 year old Skylar. She had carefully crayon-ed the words, “Thank you Midgee!” (minus the “g”) and written out the letters of her signature. Then she’d worked hard drawing 7 colorful pictures. The gifts she was thanking for were only tidbits from the dollar store, but her thanks was enthusiastic and much appreciated at our end.

Shopping trip

Studying a child’s drawings is a window into the heart and mind of the artist. For example, Skylar drew four people, all girls (note the eyelashes) on a shopping trip. It’s not clear who is who except that the girl in the middle is probably her, with her hair carefully styled in the side ponytail she often favors. The baby in the stroller is most likely her little sister Autumn, who’s been made comfortable with a pillow, blanket, and her favorite stuffed animal. The shoppers have filled a grocery cart with goodies, including the bottom rack, and seem happy with their purchases.

Coffee Break

A second drawing depicts two ladies, most likely Linnea and me, sharing a coffee break. The coffee is flowing freely, and the women are enjoying themselves. Another picture shows children at a playground, swinging, climbing, sliding and enjoying a blue-sky day.

The playground

 

As I studied the pictures, I had many questions about the details and wished Skylar was at my elbow with the explanations. But she was 1200 miles away.

Sometimes I feel the same way about biblical word-pictures, especially those that come through the mouth of Jesus. It can be frustrating to read the parables as he taught them, never absolutely sure what he meant. It makes me wish he wasn’t so far away but was at my elbow with clear explanations.

The Bible can be confusing, and many people won’t look into it because they can’t figure out what it means. But setting it on a high shelf and giving up completely is a sure way to gain nothing from it. I believe Scripture’s testimony about itself, that if we sincerely seek God through its words, we’ll definitely find him. And finding him is strong motivation to keep looking into his book.

I only know one person who fully understands Scripture, and that’s Jesus. When he studied as a youngster and then a 20-something, he understood it all. That’s probably why those learned religious scholars of the day gave him their undivided attention when he talked to them in the temple. He had explanations none of them had yet found.

The rest of us may still be in the dark about some of the Bible’s words, but God has given us understanding of others. And eventually, in the hereafter, we’ll understand it all, just like Jesus.

Meanwhile, I might just give Skylar a call. The artist

“What shall I do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will also pray with my understanding. I will sing with my spirit, but I will also sing with my understanding. (1 Corinthians 14:15)