Category Archives: Children

Nelson’s journal 4/26/22  

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The ongoing sleeping/eating challenges with Will are here pre-empted by Nelson’s health issues and his escalating pain. Sadly, the medical community is still focused on it being a problem with his thyroid gland. If only that had been true….

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April 26, 2022 

My sickness still rages on in the form of a really intense dry cough and pain in my whole chest, top to bottom. Mostly that’s it, aside from being pretty tired all the time. I feel like I could lie down and sleep anytime, even right after getting up and drinking coffee. Even coffee has lost its luster, so to speak. Hard to swallow.

Right now I’m listening to Will scream it out in the next room. We had a really nice morning together so far, but it goes south whenever it’s time to eat or sleep. Once we get to that point, I try to feed him, which increases his irritation, then eventually swaddle him and cuddle him to sleep.

But once he’s in the crying mode with me, he’s not going to settle, so there’s just one other option. That’s to try to get him comfortable and put him in the crib. Then it’s up to him. After that, it’s usually complaining-crying until he goes into full “billy-goat” screaming mode. Right now, I’d say there’s a 10% chance he goes to sleep, but usually Mama will awake and rescue him. She has what he wants and can usually calm him, unlike what I can do.

I’m proud of him though. We visited the doc first time yesterday, and he came in at 90% for his age in weight and height. Doc said he looks and sounds great. We have our issues, but Annso is the eternal optimist, and that’s our saving grace most of the time. Attitude is everything.

There is a picture on the wall from Samuel that says, “For this child I have prayed.” It’s a great reminder about the miracle he is. I’m excited that he keeps growing and even though people say, “Don’t wish the time away or rush through it,” I’m not much into the newborn stage, I have to say. He’s adorable, but there are so many times when I have nothing more I can do and it’s just screaming, which has all this failure and guilt attached to it for me.

I try not to over-think it and just be thankful for who he is and what we have. I’m excited that at some point, maybe I’ll be healthy again and be able to lick this Thyroid thing, even if that means getting it removed. I don’t want to lose my voice box or any other disaster that might happen in a surgery. I wonder, does it shrink down if they just “kill it” like they talk about doing?

All I know is, this is no kind of life I live now. No exercise, very little joy because of the constant pain and fatigue of the whole thing. I know what it must feel like to be 90 years old. Super tired and lots of pain in the body all over the place.

 

But I’m excited about our trip to the mainland to camp our way across the US in our RV, the one we don’t yet have. I’m working on Ebay and Cragslist to see if I can’t get a good one.  

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 “The God of all comfort comforts us in all our troubles.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)

Nelson’s journal 4/20/22  

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Despite Nelson’s health issues, little Will’s constant crying is what dominates their home. Because Nelson is throwing himself into helping in every way he knows to do, in the process he’s getting used to letting Will “cry it out.” Though it’s unpleasant, it usually works. So, to write this journal entry, Nelson has gone back to his happy place: Starbucks…or, as he sometimes called it, The Buckery.

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April 20, 2022 

Letting a baby “cry it out,” which happens pretty much daily at our house, is torture for everyone. I try everything, feeding, clean diaper, lights on, lights off, cuddling, laying on the floor, in the Moses basket he really likes that Holly sent us, and of course, feeding. He drank 2 oz, which is probably enough, had a poopy diaper, and now he’s “fine” but you would think someone is stabbing him with knives.

I did it all while holding him, so now my logic is: let’s at least get something done and teach him something through this ordeal, and it’s this: He won’t die if he cries for 20 minutes then falls asleep. He can do it without help and without Annso or I intervening again and again. He probably won’t even be slightly hurt by it. He doesn’t seem to mind screaming at all. Endless energy to do it.

Annso doesn’t like it, and I can see why. She’s so much nicer than I am when it comes to that stuff, but I’m totally against mushy parenting and see the results it gets when I look around the campus. The last thing I want is a baby who is high-need, never satisfied, unable to soothe himself, and living in a constant state of discontent. “This is the inevitable result of blocking all crying all the time.”

It’s an exhausting way to start the day, all frazzled-out, feeling like you’re torturing your child, yourself, and everyone else within ear shot. The one thing I’ll say though is that it works pretty well in the end. As long as I’ve tried EVERYTHING, I can do it with a clear conscience. He just needs to cry it out. And when I know that, it’s a done deal.

Here as I type this, we went from full boar billy goat crying, and now we’re quiet. I don’t know if we’re sleeping, but we’re quiet. It took about 15 minutes. He can go quite a bit longer than that, but 15 minutes usually does it when all else fails. If I would have kept trying things, I’d be walking and pacing this place with a mildly fussy to crying baby for the next hour and a half, and who does that help? Do we do that just because we’re afraid of a little crying?

Some of the worst mistakes I have made in my life came because I was afraid of a little crying. I have been in the wrong career because of it, kept the wrong people on staff here at Hale Ola, stayed in places too long, left places too early, you name it; all because I was afraid of a little crying. We don’t like confrontation and the loudest one gets the attention.

4pm. My first time back at a Starbucks in years after they were closed forever. They don’t have brewed coffee so I got a Mocha. Mark and Brenda gave us a $100 gift card so I don’t feel bad about the $6.75 price tag attached to it. Holy Cow! They always want to give you an “Americana,” but those aren’t the same as coffee at all. You can taste that the water has gone through coffee beans.

A friend of Annso’s is at our place hanging with Will, and I didn’t know it until I walked through the door earlier. I like it best when it’s only us. Is that weird? I’m becoming more introverted as time passes, even though I would rather become more of a community-minded person, but it takes lots of work. I’m still the over-sensitive alcoholic I always have been. Annso is a saint for being with me. I have nothing to complain about. I have blessings beyond anything I could dream of.

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“There is a time to cry and a time to laugh.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

Nelson’s journal 4/19/22

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Through the laptop keyboard Nelson wonders what it’s like to be “good salt and a bright light” in the kingdom of God. He also wonders if it’s possible to schedule a one month old child. On top of all that, he’s thinking about moving a short distance away from the crowd of Kokua Crew workers. That way his family would be slightly less around-the-clock available.

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April 19, 2022    

I just got Will back to sleep. 5:45am. We’re trying to get him on these morning and afternoon schedules. But he’s barely 1 month old, so we are told to let it slide (as if we have a choice), but you can push pretty hard for what you want.

I’ve come so close to moving to Kama Aina Hale [a neighboring subdivision that would put a short distance between Nelson’s family and the big Kokua Crew], but never really got around to it. Maybe when we get back from our Summer trip we can move over there and be less bound [24/7] to Kokua Crew. It would be nice to be involved in a different way than the way we are now.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:13-16)

Am I a light of the world? Is that how someone would describe me? Is the light of Jesus shining off me? Is he shining through most Christians (or people who claim to be)?

I’m reading the book, Hawaii by James Michner, and most of the missionaries’ kids became greedy and got involved in business and getting as much land as possible, not to mention that it belonged to the Hawaiian people. It eroded their own character, going after the money like they did.

They were no different than their pagan counterparts. And if they are not different, then are they even Christians in anything more than word? Are we anything more than that? I think we are. At least my wife is. We pray. We seek you, Lord, but are we after the money too? Do we act honestly all the time? Do we let money get out in front of doing the right thing?

Jesus says, we are the salt of the earth but that it’s possible to “loose your saltiness” and become worthless. “You are the light of the world.” Would he call me the light of the world? What am I doing that would set me apart from the darkness of the world and say I am the light or I am the salt?

It’s not by works lest any man should boast, but there should be signs of being a Christian for sure. How does a person lose their saltiness? They probably fall asleep spiritually and just cool off. That’s the biggest danger over a big fall I think, getting comfortable and lazy, not knowing anything is even wrong and being worthless in the kingdom of God.

How does a person avoid that? Fasting maybe? This comes right after the Beatitudes. Jesus describes a Christian in that progression we are familiar with, then reminds us not to “loose our saltiness.” I pray for a tender heart and to be more kind, etc. I’m not sure having a child does that. I love him but don’t have a problem letting him cry it out. It’s what works, and I’m for good results.

The last thing I want is a soft, high maintenance kid who expects everything brought to him on a sliver platter. Does that sound like compassion? Does it sound like love? I hope so. Here I am, missing the Tuesday night meeting to watch him, which has been a challenge. Annso is at the meeting. It’s one of my dreams about having children, not having to go to meetings if at all possible.

I always envied Ad Curington [brother-in-law], who would be watching a few kids while the rest of us got dressed up and went out to a formality. I thought, “What a smart man. How did he line it up like that for himself?” Now I have that too. 😉 Now I’m a “smart man.”

Finally caught up on my to-do list. It’s nice to sit here in the quiet. Had another batch of blood work done today to check in about my thyroid and see where I’m at. I’ve had more blood taken in the last couple months than in the whole of my life combined before that. It’s been a season of sickness mixed with fatherhood. So far, the whole time I have been a father, I’ve been pretty sick feeling. It was almost seamless, the transition.

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“Do not be discouraged. The Lord your God will be with you.” (Joshua 1:9)