Cancer and Other Hard Things

Tonight I got to do something I’ve been eagerly looking forward to for quite a while: collect daughter Linnea and 3 month old Isaac at Midway Airport. Traveling with a young baby can be problematic, but for Linnea it was like a vacation. That’s because she left the other 3 (ages 5, 4, and 2) home with daddy.

Linnea and Isaac.We have these two only for a weekend, but extended family will get to meet Isaac, and I’m thrilled for this unique time with “just them.”

Tonight’s blog is one Linnea wrote for her web site (Only One Thing) on March 4, after learning of her Aunt Mary’s cancer. Because Isaac was born with an unusual little hand, she blends the disappointment of both events in what she writes, below:

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Two weeks ago my family got some bad news. Some very bad news.

I was getting ready to take Isaac for a walk when I noticed a message from my mom on my phone. My heart sank. My mom is not a phone person and she never calls me unless something really major has happened. I strapped Isaac into his baby carrier, stepped out the front door, and nervously called her back.

“It’s Mary,” my mom said, explaining that my aunt had gone to the ER when her fever spiked, which led to extensive testing. “They say she has—” My mom choked on her words and I could tell she was crying, “—pancreatic cancer.”

I burst into tears. “No!” I said. “Not pancreatic cancer. Anything but that… That can’t be right! How can that possibly be?”

See, my family knows all about pancreatic cancer. It took my dad’s life just 42 days after his diagnosis.

Naturally, we initially reacted to Mary’s diagnosis with total panic. All except for Mary, that is. At the end of that long, dreadful day at the hospital she sent my mom a text: “God is good,” it read.

Sisters with grandsWhenever I remember the last six weeks of my dad’s life, Mary always comes to mind. When my mom refused to leave my dad’s hospital bed, Mary was there at her side. When my mom “slept” night after night in a chair, Mary did too, spending those long hours on a hard stool in the corner. But when I said she must be exhausted, she chirped back, “No, I feel fine!”

Later I asked my mom if Mary was always this way—always cheerful, always sure of God’s goodness, never complaining. “No,” my mom said. “She’s grown into it over time” (Best answer ever.)

No one is perfect, including Mary. I’m sure she has her off days and her own private struggles. She wouldn’t be human if she weren’t anxious about the cancer in her body and what it will mean for her future and for her family. But in that crisis moment, when the doctors said “pancreatic cancer,” Mary chose to respond with a statement about God’s goodness.

Since Isaac’s birth, Adam and I have talked many times about the power of our perspective. Sometimes when I’m feeding Isaac, I look at his left hand and find myself praying over him: “Lord, let Isaac be a person who makes the best of things, who’s slow to complain, and doesn’t care all that much what people think. Let him be a happy kid, a thankful man. Give him an overcoming spirit.” I find it significant that Isaac’s name, which we chose before his birth, means laughter.

Isaac, 10 weeksBut the other night I said to Adam, “I’m praying Isaac will have qualities I’m not so sure I have myself.” Do I always make the best of things? Am I thankful for the body I’ve been given? Or do I put it down and wish it were different? How much time do I spend worrying what people think? When I go through something hard, am I watching to see the good God is going to bring out of it? Or am I mostly worrying?

Right after Isaac’s birth I wanted to know Mary’s thoughts about his different hand. She said it will be an important part of Isaac’s story and that God will use it for His glory. She reacted to her own cancer diagnosis the same way—without a trace of self-pity.

Mary has been through a lot of tests recently, and so far, her version of pancreatic cancer seems very different from my dad’s (thank you Lord!). We’ve all stepped back a bit from our initial panic and we are filled with hope that she will live a long time.

This postpartum stretch has been hard for me. There are days when I’m naturally filled with joy and gratitude. But there are other days too. Days when I feel like I’m fighting a battle against a dark sadness that sits at my feet and wants me to sink down into it. For some reason, it tempts me. But then I think of Mary and the kind of wife and mother she is. I think about the way she’s determined to believe God and make the best of things even in the worst circumstances. And I get up, wipe another messy face, change another diaper. I put on some music, bake cookies with the kids, and pray I’m following in Mary’s footsteps.

“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything.” (Philippians 4:5-6)

Mary’s Prayer Requests and Praises

  1. For the decision about which hospital to use for chemo (So far, each hospital has agreed about treatment.)
  2. For safe travel tomorrow as Luke and family drive to Chicago
  3. Praise for visits and prayer time with old friends

The Blessing of Children

???????????????????????????????When God blesses two parents with 7 children as he did Mary and Bervin, he also ensures all kinds of ripple-effect mini-blessings along with them. Not only will the mom and dad have babies and preschoolers charming them for many years, but the school years offer their own decades of joy. Which is not to say there aren’t a few bumps along the way.

Mary and I have often talked about the difficulty we both had trying to spread our love and attention over each of our seven while we were raising them. But the up-side was their steady attentions to each other, not to mention the multiplied dividends so many children would end up returning to their parents, once they became adults.

During these especially difficult days of Mary’s cancer and its treatment, she and Bervin are experiencing that special loving attention from their grown kids. And it’s God who gets the credit for setting it all up this way.

Children come into a family “insisting” mommy and daddy serve them non-stop. None of us become parents because we want pay-back, but when it eventually happens (usually taking us by surprise), it’s pure delight. By the time children have grown into adults, we’ve gained meaningful friendships that nourish us every bit as much as we’ve nourished them.

And then there are those God-given gifts we receive through our adult children that are above-and-beyond, gifts like children-in-law, and grandchildren.

Jo and familyAnd so smack dab in the middle of Mary’s cancer and chemo, the Lord has gifted these two parents with a couple of these mega-gifts:

Their 30-something daughter, Johanna, and her family of five have just announced that a new baby will join them in October, putting Mary and Bervin into double-digit grandparenting!

Engaged

 

 

 

And if that wasn’t thrill enough, 20-something daughter Stina called a week ago with the exciting news she and boyfriend Evan had just gotten engaged! Mary and Bervin will gain a 5th in-law child, a young man they’ve already come to love.

And so the weeks continue on, a mix of positives and negatives for this family (as it is for most families). The important thing is for all of us to recognize God’s presence in both the good stuff and the bad, thanking him for all of it. His purpose is to teach us through  circumstances, and he’s hoping we’ll receive them with open minds and open arms.

And isn’t it interesting to note how often he includes our children as part of his lesson plans?

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

Mary’s Prayer Requests and Praises

  1. Praise that she could go back to attending her Bible study today
  2. Pray for the courage to face chemo well
  3. Continue to pray for wisdom in choosing which hospital for chemo

This Day

???????????????????????????????I have some note cards with an impactful Scripture on the front: “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24) It’s a verse many have memorized because of its cheery philosophy, but I think the real reason we love it is because we hope some day we can do it.

Mary has been a champion at putting this verse into practice ever since she heard the words “pancreatic cancer” on February 15. Maybe that’s because when we’re healthy, we subconsciously think another tomorrow will always come.

Of course our brains know the truth. All of us will live a “last day,” and eventually another tomorrow will not come. But trying to apply it to the particular tomorrow that’s next in line is another thing altogether.

Hearing the frosty facts of possible terminal illness linked with our names, however, usually does the trick. That may be one of the many reasons God allows such frightening news to come to us. It’s an automatic jump-start to appreciating today.

I look back at Mary’s text messages from February and see how she has practiced being glad for each day. When I asked what she was doing one day she wrote, “I’m sitting in the sunshine that’s streaming through my windows. It feels great.”

Or when I said, “Is there anything you need?” she said, “I don’t need a thing. I’m surrounded by loving care every minute.” Or, one more example, “Are you nervous about today’s tests?” And she said, “My life is in God’s hands. He’ll get me through whatever comes.”

Mary’s behavior is a tutoring session in how to live out Psalm 118:24 (above). When our tomorrows become uncertain, we have no trouble ascribing greater value to our todays. I felt the same thing happen when Nate received his deadly diagnosis in 2009. Each new day brought new losses, but watching how fast he was changing caused each day to become enormously valuable, sometimes each hour.

One other group that’s good at being glad in their todays is children. They’re very adept at living in the now. This morning I found a picture (below) lying on my basement floor.

???????????????????????????????I have no idea where it came from, but the message was rich. I don’t remember who wrote it or what that particular day was about, but the gladness was so strong it funneled through that child and right onto the sidewalk.

As Mary and Bervin head into an uncertain future, it’s comforting to know she’s already mastered the art of appreciating each day. She’s following God’s specific instructions, and I’m confident he’ll reward her accordingly.

“I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.My body rests in safety.” (Psalm 16:8-9)

Mary’s Prayer Requests

  1. For continued weight gain
  2. For peace of mind about the future, especially during the night
  3. Praise that pain from feeding tube is almost gone
  4. Praise for being able to travel to Michigan tomorrow