Nelson’s Journal, Entry #3

Posted on February 12, 2023 by Margaret

When Nelson died seven weeks ago, one of the gifts that came to his wife Ann Sophie was ownership of his journals. He journaled faithfully throughout his adult life, often working out problems with words on paper, committing them to God as he went along.

A few years ago he switched to journaling on his computer, and it’s these entries Ann Sophie and I have been looking at recently. Nelson never made his journal public, but as we’ve been reading them, we’re learning how he coped with his lung cancer diagnosis. How does it feel to be told you have Stage 4 cancer? How do you cope in the days and months that follow? How do you bear this heavy burden, day after day?

As Nelson tapped out his thoughts each morning, usually at around 5:00 AM, he wrote words that might help us all—should we ever hear a similar diagnosis while sitting in a doctor’s office. The entries are a combination of feelings, scriptures, and prayers.

In our recent blogs we posted Nelson’s thoughts from the day he heard he had cancer, and the day following that (5/10 & 5/12, 2022). Our plan is to back up into January, before cancer, and move through his his last year, posting entries every few days. Maybe he’ll show all of us how best to respond to the shocking news of lethal disease, and what to do next.

January 19, 2022

“Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord! Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.” (Psalm 25)

Lord, you have really done this for me. Seeing a domestic violence thing in the paper the other day reminded me of where I would be if you hadn’t stepped in and offered me a way out of drinking, and then offered me a way out of a bad relationship. It’s real.

You really do the things you promise in the Bible. Thank you for answering my prayers. I will bank on the promises in the verses above. You have forgotten the sins of my youth, taught me the way to go, pardoned my guilt even in sin after the start of the sober years. And now you have given me offspring.

To see them inherit the land would be amazing and a total miracle. Thank you for little Willard Nelson Nyman who is soon coming into the world. Thank you for what is in a name.

Thank you for Papa [Willard Nathan Nyman] and what he taught me and how in sharing my testimony with the grounds team at Denny’s, I was able to refer to his words about not making decisions only for money. I pray for integrity with money. I can see the temptation to want more than I need, but I do have a family now and don’t want to sell us short. Please show me how to lead them. I know you will.

Should we buy something in Michigan to prepare to move there, or just wait? You know the future, Lord, and know what will happen. I pray for wisdom to know what is wrong and what’s right.

“Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.” (Psalm 25:12)

Lymphoma?

Posted on February 5, 2023 by Margaret

As Nelson’s hospital stay at the Kona hospital continued, doctors tried to pin down all that was wrong with him. Because of “unnumbered” nodules in his lungs, they went with lymphoma. Nelson was glad to hear it wasn’t lung cancer.

He had smoked off-and-on since his late teens but hadn’t had a cigarette for over six years. Surely that had been enough time to clean out his lungs from whatever damage might have occurred during his smoking years. And many lung cancer patients didn’t smoke at all, which meant, in Nelson’s case, it was possible he wasn’t responsible for bringing on the lung cancer. He hoped that was true.

From his journal:

May 12, 2022

I’m at the hospital for the 4^th night now. Last time I was admitted here was in 2003 when I was almost killed in that wreck with [cousin] Andrew. This time, I might be here because I was reckless, too, [by smoking] but not recently. Maybe the mass in my lungs is from smoking or any number of other things that could give you lung cancer. It’s pretty much what I have. You never think it will happen to you, even though you have a chest pain once in a while and think of worse-case-scenarios like that.

Then all of a sudden a doc calls me on the phone after looking at a scan and tells me, “We found a mass next to your heart, and nodules without number in your lungs. Looks like general lymphoma.”

More tests and lots of coughing later, I’m here after having 1.3 liters of fluid drained from my right lung alone, in a hospital bed enjoying the buzz of a couple of pain pills as I stay here for the last night, hopefully.

It’s Annso’s birthday tomorrow, so I would like to be there for that if possible. She has been by every day so far. Thank God she’s willing to bend the rules when necessary, to see me. It would be super lonely without anyone with me.

Last night I had this panic attack, because I felt I couldn’t get enough air. Even just sitting here, I was out of breath, even on oxygen. [Cousin] Luke offered to help us get into the Mayo Clinic, if we wanted that.

We took him up on it, considering this island is a place where it’s hard to make things happen. When it’s something like a dryer you have on order that takes 12 weeks to get in and once it comes in, they don’t even call to tell you it’s in, you can laugh about it. When it’s your cancer scan results and they don’t bother sending them to the other doc or just lose them altogether, it’s hard to stick around and trust them with your life when there are other options.

I’m thankful, Lord, for Luke and his generosity, for BBC [Brentwood Baptist Church in TN] and theirs, for a total change of plans. For everything. Not what I would have wanted, but you can use it. I wonder how it will be. Like Papa? […died 42 days after diagnosis] Or will I get better, at least for a little while? NO one knows.

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“Do not throw away your confidence…” (Hebrews 10:35)

A Bad Phone Call

Posted on January 31, 2023 by Margaret

After sharing a couple of Nelson’s journal entries from one year ago, we’ll go back to the day when he first heard the word cancer. We’ll see how his emotions responded after being told about it. He had gone to the emergency room after struggling to breathe, while also suffering from sharp pains in other areas of his body. His coughing wouldn’t stop, and getting a doctor to see him quickly on the big Island of Hawaii wasn’t possible. So it was the ER or nothing.

Doctors there admitted him and were in the process of gathering data through tests when Nelson first heard the word cancer. He was alone in a hospital bed, because Ann Sophie was home with newborn Will. Covid restrictions in Hawaii were still extensive, and she was running into problems when trying to visit Nelson in the hospital. But she was determined and ended up finding a nurse who “looked the other way,” allowing her to walk in.

The uncertainty of his symptoms was bad enough, but then he got a phone call with some terrible news.

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May 10 2022

Today is day 2 at the hospital, my second time coming in to the ER because the pain and coughing was so severe. Annso pretty much insisted I do it. I went to campus and taught the Korean Foundation School then came home, ate a nice salad with her and came up here [to the hospital].

Once I was here, there was this really young doctor who zeroed right in on fluid in the lungs. Once I told him I was coughing so hard at night and that I was so out of breath, he ran and got a mini-ultrasound machine and found fluid in my heart cavity and lungs. That led them to do tons of tests, including a CT scan showing a tumor or growth in my neck and a few lymph nodes in the lungs about 11 mm at the biggest.

All of a sudden the fluid makes sense, the cough, and none of it has to do with the thyroid, which is what everyone has been looking at. So the admitting doc calls me on the phone and tells me she really thinks it’s cancer and so does the tech who does these scans all the time.

They will test more tomorrow, including a full body CT scan to see what else is going on. Maybe there are things growing in other places, not that these places aren’t severe enough.

When she told me that, I could hardly believe it, but at the same time, I could. All the intense pain and coughing now add up. I even said a couple times, “If I was told I had stage 3 lung cancer, I would believe it, because it feels like I think that would feel.”

It’s yet to be confirmed, and I would love for her to be wrong, but everyone is praying and it seems a likely scenario.

Lots of things come into perspective all of a sudden, but I try not to go worse-case-scenario right away. I think of what happened to Papa and wonder, “Will I be alive this time next year? Will I be alive at Christmas? Will I be alive still even in August?” Unknown for all of us, but especially me.

I don’t know anything, but the people I worry about the most are Annso and Will. What will they do? How hard for them will it be? I would have the easier situation, and they’d be left to pick up the pieces. How terrible. How terrible for her to be turned into a single Mom so soon after our answer to prayer and miracle [baby].

I don’t even want to ask WHY. Doesn’t matter, and no answer will come to that one anyway. I just think of those who went before me and how they did it. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that and I can beat it, whatever “it” is.

God, help me to know what to do now, to be the best man to Annso, strong and optimistic, someone she can rely on and knows what to do, the one who may not know, but knows who to trust. I pray for strength. I pray for healing, for a miracle, for different results on tomorrow’s test. For there to even be a mistake somehow. Thank you for getting Annso in here today. That was a miracle. I pray she gets in tomorrow, too. I pray for supernatural strength for her, too. What will happen to us? To me? To Will? Tomorrow will worry about itself. Amen.

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down.” (Proverbs 12:25)