Category Archives: Dying

Mary’s Thoughts on Fear

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The last couple of days we’ve been listening to a patient’s view of living with deadly cancer. Tonight Mary shares what works for her in fending off fear:

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Whenever fear creeps into my thoughts, I know it hasn’t come from God. The Bible flat-out says, “God has not given us the spirit of fear.” (2 Timothy 1:7) So if it doesn’t come from him, it’s coming from my enemy, Satan. Because of that, I need to quickly reject it, making sure fear doesn’t take hold of me. The honest truth, though, is that I’ve had to struggle hard against it.

One fear that’s assaulted me multiple times this year centers around my grandchildren. When they first heard I had cancer, they began praying God would heal me. So my concern is that after I die, these trusting children might be angry with God for not answering their prayers, and turn against him.

With ten grandsRight now they’re praying in the no-holds-barred way children do, which is why I worry. After I’m gone, I envision them asking, “If God loves me, why did he let my grandma die?” I want them all to love him no matter what happens with me, but that isn’t always easy for a child. Though I know I can’t control their lives, I have to fight fear over this issue.

I have to repeatedly remember that their relationships with the Lord are in his capable hands. My continual prayer is for their faith to hold and even somehow grow as a result of my death. I’m thankful for God’s reminder that he’s caring for them now and will care for them then, especially where faith issues are concerned.

One day a while back, our daughter Julia gave me a plaque that sits on my kitchen counter. It simply says, “Trust in the Lord.” God has used that short message to bring me back to reality many times by dispelling fear. Of course I don’t want to leave my grandchildren any time soon, but that decision isn’t up to me.

Trust in the Lord

The most effective antidote to fear is Scripture. It has the power to settle me and show me what’s true and what isn’t. God’s Word is an anchor that holds when storms come, because it has a power no other book has. It’s alive and active. It acts toward me in a way nothing else can, pointing me to the Lord and reminding me I’m not alone in my anxiety. He’s there battling the enemy alongside me, and his Word is a weapon against fear that never fails.

I don’t know how I could manage without the Lord accompanying me through this cancer. There isn’t a day that I don’t sense his closeness, and I’ll never stop thanking him for it. He has promised to be my ever-ready help whenever I need him and guarantees that my future is secure with him in heaven.

[ Tomorrow Mary will talk about you, blog readers. ]

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

Step 1. Step 2

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My husband was a cerebral guy, well-read in history, politics, current events, literature, almost everything. His intellect was one of the things that first attracted me to him, probably because most of us look for a mate who’s equipped where we are lacking.

But Nate proved over the years that he was also capable of developing an adventurous streak. It was only a streak, since adventure wasn’t his natural bent. But once he was married and raising a family, the situation often called for it.

Nate raftingNate carving.During our dating years, if I’d have told him he’d be white-water rafting down the Colorado River or carv- ing pumpkins in his business suit or compet- ing to win at kid’s games, he’d have had a good laugh.

Nate competing

Hindsight is 20/20, and when I look back at our shared history, I see how adaptable he was. He took to marriage well, and never allowed me off the pedestal he put me on the day we were married.

Clowning aroundHe got “goofy” when he sensed his kids would appreciate it and if coaxed, would set aside serious pursuits to clown around.

Most widows look back and appreciate their men in fresh ways after they’ve gone. It’s the old adage that we don’t fully appreciate what we have till we’ve lost it. I’m no exception and am thankful for Nate in all kinds of ways I never acknowledged while he was alive. Like his willingness to adapt. Thoughts of “wishing him back” stem from a desire to express gratitude for what I left unsaid at the time.

In thinking about this, I also think of the most important relationship in my life, the one with the Lord. Am I noticing and being grateful for his many blessings? And am I following through with voiced appreciation to him? Thankfully with God, it’s never too late to verbalize thanks.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss, in her book Choosing Gratitude, says there are two parts to being grateful: realizing it and voicing it. “Gratitude is learning to recognize [#1] and express [#2] appreciation for the benefits we receive from God and from others.” That means being intentional about letting what’s in our hearts “come out!” *

Step 1. Step 2.

Most of us don’t have trouble identifying reasons to be thankful. It’s that second step where we fall short, the one I regret not stepping into more often with Nate.

Scripture consistently exhorts us to be thankful, and one verse in particular (below) hints at moving the message from inside-to-outside. First get a joyful heart (by being grateful) and then voice thanks. Always.

“Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks…” (Ephesians 5:19-20)

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Snow Angels

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Remembering back to my first winter as a widow, 5 years ago:

Snowy bushesAs we watched a picture-perfect snowstorm out the window today, I was reminded of the snow-related care Nate put into action for our family. Before our teenage kids would drive away in a storm, he’d always check to be sure they had a snow scraper/brush in their cars, often brushing them off before they got out there. He would always clean my car off, and if his schedule allowed, would volunteer to drive me wherever I needed to go, if a storm was in progress.

Our extra-long driveway was a bear to shovel, but he did more than his share, and if he was short on time, he’d still shovel a path to each car door. He was faithful to check the windshield wiper fluid in the cars and to add more if needed.

We began thinking about buying a snow blower after shoveling that long driveway for 15 years. When a neighbor died and his widow offered to sell us his blower, Nate took her up on it. “But,” she said, “I’ll need someone to clear my driveway, too.”

That winter Nate began blowing snow off her driveway after every storm. He always did hers before ours, sometimes in his business suit and dress coat in the pre-dawn hours of a frigid weekday morning. Often he’d get hers finished but didn’t have time for ours, slipping and sliding away in his sedan on a rush to the commuter train.

I often think of Nate’s willingness to help this widow. Despite the major inconvenience of keeping her driveway clear, he never once complained about doing it. Since our neighbor had no one else to help her, he felt it was his duty to do so. The Bible says a great deal about widows, and God makes it clear he’s pleased with those who help them.

God was watching Nate blow the equivalent of mountains of snow off our friend’s driveway over the years, but I don’t believe Nate was ever aware of divine approval on those icy mornings. He was simply doing the right thing, which of course is often the hard thing.

Snow-pro neighborNow I find I’m the widow needing help. When the first big snowfall arrived, I was rummaging around in the basement for a snow shovel when I heard the delightful roar of a snow blower. Running upstairs, I saw our next-door-neighbor Bob, pink-cheeked and dodging clouds of flying snow, clearing off the driveway. When I ran outside to express my enthusiasm, he smiled and said, “Well, those of us with blowers should help those who don’t have them.”

I’ll never forget the rush of feelings that came to me then. I flashed back to Nate’s faithful work on our neighbor’s driveway, coupled with deep gratitude for my current neighbor and his cheerful willingness to help the widow next door.

”Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who… do what is right… Those who refuse to… harm their neighbors… and those who keep their promises, even when it hurts.” (Psalm 15:1-4, TLB)